Conversation With Mom 23

Mommy love,

It's been a while since we last had a conversation. It's not because I didn't want to talk with you it's just that I couldn't write what I had to say without it sending me into another tailspin of tears.

Mom, you know that despite how much I would have liked to remain frozen in time back to when you were still breathing that this can't happen - that time has to move on and me along with it.

Not much has changed in our life since you were around other than that now you are gone and we have to do without your loving presence.

Your duties before... all the housework that you used to do, that has largely been transferred to me. It is my responsibility now to see that dinner is on the table, clothes are washed and folded... stuff that you used to do is now up to me to see to.

Along remains as she is. The everlasting chauffeur and everybody's care taker.

Dad is still, sad to say on my useless unemployed self, the main breadwinner of the family despite him having suffered a mild stroke and stomach ulcer.

And Abang. He knows now Mom. The thing that you were so worried how he'd react to it if he ever found out and largely he is taking it well and his major problem that you used to worry about too is also taken care off now. I supposed you probably already knew, but I wanted to tell you anyway.

And Grey. She has now taken the spot near Along's feet now that she can no longer sleep by yours. Remember that Mom? How you used to scold her for bothering you when you were sleeping?

Then there's Aunty Jen. What can I say? She is still tenaciously holding on to her relationship with Dad. She keep saying that she could leave him any time but funny thing is she keeps coming back. You know how it is. It is neither here nor there... but it's just exasperating some times when she brings on the drama and put on a show and act as if she has enough but truth is she could never let Dad go and this is something we all know don't we Mom?

But enough about her.

I am seriously in need of a job. You know I had one a month after your passing but I went and quit that one. And ever since I left and have nothing to do I have not been able to find a new job. Maybe you could work some divine intervention with the Big One and hope your blessings and Allah's mercy will let me land a good reliable job that I won't be wanting to quit within 3 months!

It's like I'm really desperate to find a job now Mom... and while at it could you also work your ethereal magic on my love life? Hahaha... you remember Mom how desperate you were to want Along and I to be married when you were in the hospital? You kept asking the both of us, "Are you married yet?" As if we'd marry without you knowing about it.

Those days in the hospital... still brings tears to my eyes thinking how sick you were and how much pain you were in and how hungry you must have felt when all you were given were milk through the tube... Mom... I know those days in the hospital;s were hard - for you and for me emotionally watching you slip away... but I would give anything to have those days back.

I know... this kind of talk is not conducive to anything but more pain... but I miss you... and I love you, oh so much!

I will talk with you again soon Mom. For now it is just too much on my heart having this 'pretend' conversation with you while thinking of all those 'real' conversations we used to share. Heartbreak.

R.I.P. Mom

Dreams and Nightmares: Mom in the Night

A few raya back before Mom passed away

Abang had a nightmare the other day that something possessed Mom's lifeless form and cause her to turn into an abomination.

It scared Abang silly and made him miss Mom even more. He was worried that to him it seems as if it doesn't matter anymore that Mom isn't around anymore. He was also in wonder that it has barely been two years since Mom moved on - it seems to him that it has been a longer amount of time since Mom's passing.

Just a few days before the nightmare, Abang mentioned how it has been quite a while since he dreamt of Mom. This was said after I mentioned that I had another dream about Mom.

Not all of my dreams about Mom are pleasant. I have a nightmare or two where Mom came back from the grave, where she was buried alive and had to dig her way out of the grave...

I don't now why, but out of the four of us (dad, Along, Abang and myself) I am the one who is frequently having dreams about Mom.

I get like four to five dream a month on average and it always leaves me with an ache in my heart that just won't heal.

I added this picture of a few raya back, just to remind myself how it was when Mom was around and our family was complete.

It feels strange without Mom around. Despite what Abang says of him already too easily letting go of Mom, I know he still misses her and still think of her and how she loved him so much.

I know there are still things he wishes Mom was around to see. 

The same applies to each one of us. 

I know we are dealing with the loss in our own unique way.

Mine is this blog. Whenever it gets too lonely and I miss Mom too much, this blog is my refuge. 

Here, I can share my pain and deal with it at the same time. Here, I honor Mom's memories and here too sometimes when it gets too much and I just need that contact with Mom is where I will have my 'conversations' with her.

I miss you Mom and I love you - always and forever.

R.I.P. Mom

Conversation With Mom 22

Mommy love,

Raya came and went and we visited your grave yet again. We said our prayers beside it and send you our well wishes. It isn't the same as kneeling at your feet and asking you forgiveness on raya morning and seeing you bless us with your brilliant smile, but at least we were still together.

As you know, Abang turned 17 on Raya morning. Must have been hard for him to visit you that day. I know he misses you a lot. Life's harder for him without the comfort you offer when he's upset or sick.

As for the rest of us... you know the situation with Dad. You were the love of his life and losing you has torn him asunder. He is like a ship with no sails now.

Along. She misses you along with her missing Phil. I don't know how that works for her, but it seems the more she miss Phil, the more she misses you. And the pain is double for her I suppose.

As for me... I assuage my empty heart by writing this blog and having the odd 'conversation' or two with you.
There are still days when I look up expecting to see you before my eyes only to realize with a start that you are no longer around.

Abang's friends are coming to celebrate raya with us this Friday and I'm thinking this is really the first time I have to entertain guest without you. I remember all those house parties that Dad was so fond of having and I remember how you were always the perfect hostess.

Mom, how have you been?

Can you still see us?

I wonder sometimes what you are going through now... where you are... what you are up to... I guess I'll never know until my end comes... And no matter how much I wish I could see you again, I hope my end doesn't come so soon. I still have a lot I want to do in this life. I guess it isn't fair for me to be talking to you about a long life since yours was cut so tragically... But I know you would want me to have a long, healthy and happy life.

Mom? I love you. I miss you. And there's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you.

R.I.P. Mom

A Different Ramadhan Without Mom

Two years ago, two days before raya (Eid) mom fell in the kitchen which subsequently led to her eventual demise. Raya has never been the same since.

This is the second fasting season that Mom hasn't been around for. It feels weird waking up for sahur (meal before fasting) to prepare the meal for the family when that was once Mom's domain. Mom was the one responsible for making sure every one gets up to have their meal before dawn.

Things are different now. Instead of Mom being in charge of the meals, it is now all up to me.

Ever since Mom passed on, the kitchen duties have fallen largely on my shoulders. The daily meals doesn't really bother me, but the meals served during Ramadhan (fasting month)... Mom usually make sure there was something special on the table for berbuka (break of fast) and she will ensure the fasting day begins right with a proper sahur.

Even as the rituals of fasting reminds me of its purpose of which to remember those who have to do without, I can't help but remember that the last Ramadhan spent with Mom ended in pain for her and Syawal (month after Ramadhan where the first day is Eid) was spend entirely in the hospital ward.

This coming November 4th would be the second year anniversary of Mom's passing. Even a year and a half or so away from the tragedy, I am still reeling from it's impact.

In fact as recent as last week, I was still dreaming of Mom. I dreamed she came back from the grave for a quick 'visit'. She looked her radiant self without the traces of fatigue and pain that marred her angelic face the  last month of her life.

I miss Mom so much. I don't know if this pain I bear will be with me forever. Won't the scar ever heal?

It hurts still thinking of her sweet, loving self now taken from us. God loved her too much to let her suffer long. But I love her too and though I don't for the world wish her to suffer I can't help but wish she hadn't gone so soon.

Life is just not the same without Mom.

I have to stop. This is taking too much out of me. Tears are falling as I continue this trp down memory lane.

Perhaps more time is needed before I can talk about Mom and not want to bawl my eyes out.

I love you Mom. R.I.P.

Remembering

Felt like listening to 'Shame' by Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow. And I don't even know why I felt like listening to it again after all these times. As I listened to the song again, it brought back memories of Mom during her 46 days stint in the hospital.

This song was released in the middle of Mom's stay there.

I remember how this song was like an anthem for me during those days.

I'm brought back to those heart-wrenching days as I watched Mum disappear right before my eyes.

It's been a while since it hits me this hard. I'm bawling almost as hard as I did back when Mom just passed away.

I miss Mom all the time, but there are days when it's harder than normal to keep the tears at bay.

As hard as those 46 days were, I'd give anything to be able to sit beside Mom once again and watch her as she sleeps.

I know, I know. She's off to a better place. She's no longer suffering. But can I help it if I miss her so much?

Amazing how even a trivial thing like listening to a song could open the floodgate of memories.

There was Mom as she delighted at the small amount of ice cream we managed to give her after she's been craving it for weeks.Then there was Mom asking me to sing to her.  Then again there was Mom as she lay tired after her dialysis treatment. And again Mom on her last days on the respirator, blood coming out of her mouth....

These images will never be wiped from my memory, nor do I want it gone, it's just that sometimes when it comes back to haunt me, missing Mom gets harder to handle.

Taking a deep breath and hope this spell of heartache will end soon.

R.I.P. Mom

When Silence Gets Too Much

Sometimes silence might seem like indifference,
Days, weeks go by and I keep my distance,
Not because I don't care,
Not because I've forgotten,
But sometimes silence is all there is
When words fail to describe further how much I miss you
How much I yearn and how much I ache for you.

But I've been silent far too long,
The stillness is deafening,
And I again search for the words,
Whether in vain or not,
It is for you to judge,
As I once more struggle to tell you,
What life is like now that you no longer walk it with us.

Mommy love,
If I could paint you the bleakness of my soul,
Without it coming up pitch dark
Like my heart is,
I would.
I would show you the many shades of grief,
The layers of hurt,
The lines of pain,
But alas I am not much of a painter,
And all I have are these words,
And still they fail me.

How many ways can you write what pain means,
What loss is all about?
How many words can be scribed telling you
How my heart bleeds,
How my spirit is shredded...
Too many and too little all at the same time.
Suffice is to say, this is another expression of
My soul's dejection.

I love you and I miss you.

Adik
2011 hrs. 19 June 2012,
The empty house you left behind,
Puchong, Selangor

Conversation With Mom 21

Mommy love,

Uncle Dzul (Dad's mentor and friend) and Pak Long (Dad's Brother) both passed away recently. Uncle Dzul on Saturday June 2nd and Pak Long On Tuesday June 5th.

I don't know how things work in the after life, but I was hoping you'll have more company now. I hate the thought of you alone. I hope all those people we've known in our lives who have moved on as well are there with you and that you are not lonely.

Mom, I worry about you still. I wonder how you are faring in the after life. I hope you are doing all right.

Me? I'm not doing too well. Too stressed and too many things ailing me. Right now I'm eating 9 different medications daily and I'm guessing when I meet my doctor next for my diabetes appointment I will have to add another medication on my list. Oh and don't forget the insulin jab at night.

I don't mean to worry you, but you know how it is mom, you were about the only one I could always talk too.

I miss those times Mom. Those times when I would talk your ears off. You would listen and would tell me things that would make everything that seems wrong in my life looks less threatening and scary.

I miss you, period.

I know every time I have this conversation with you I'd be telling you in one form or the other how much I miss you. i'd hate to sound repetitive, but it just doesn't seem to be enough - me telling you how much I miss you.

Life is rather stressful now. Dad is overtly sensitive and every gestures and words we utter he would misinterpret it in the negative way. He keeps insisting that we don't love him anymore, that we find him a burden to us and he keeps saying that it's not like he is going to live for very long anyway and that soon we would be free of him.

This is so outlandish that I don't know how to tell him that he is paranoid. We love him so much and would never wish ill off him. We don't want to lose him anytime soon. Losing you was hard enough. Losing dad in any near future would just about shatter us.

I'm telling you all this so that not only will you know what's going on down here, but also so dad could read this and know that we do not resent him and do not for a second think he is a nuisance.

We love dad. We love you. The both of you makes the best parents any child could have, even with all your flaws and failings.

No one is perfect, but the both of you have loved us beyond what perfection could initiate.

Dad, if you are reading this, please, please know that we love you always and would never wish ill on you.

Mom, please whisper in Dad's dreams that he doesn't need to leave this plane so fast and that you'll be waiting for him when and only when his time has come.

I love you Mom. Sorry if I brought trouble to your resting self. I have no one really I could share this with.

I miss you always. R.I.P. Mom.

Love,
Adik