Conversation With Mom 27

Hello Mommy,

Abang had a tonsillectomy today in Hospital Serdang. That's right Mom, the place where you breathed your last.

Thankfully, Abang's surgery went well and he will probably be discharged tomorrow, but being in the hospital as always, reminds me a lot about the time spent looking after you back then Mom.

Today I even met the guard who guarded the entrance to the ICU ward back when you were admitted then and she asked, "Back again?"

I told her this time it was for my brother.

Yesterday I texted Abang on his phone and reminded him to say a prayer to Allah asking for a successful operation and also I told him to recite the al-Fatihah for you and to ask you to bless him.

I don't know if he did as told, but I did it just the same on his behalf.

                                          Abang in the hospital sleeping after being medicated

Mom, I just wanted to share the good news that your little boy is safe and will now be tonsillitis free after so long having suffered from it.

Thank you for watching over him still from where you are.

I love you and miss you Mom.

Conversation With Mom 26

Hello Mommy,

I was just thinking about your Meandering River. The story you always wanted to write but never got around to. Just like my best-selling novel which I never get around to writing somehow.

You know Mom when I talk about my writing abilities and my natural flair for the written words, it is almost always easy to think that most of it come from Dad because Dad has been writing all his life and never seem to stop.

But now thinking about it, I think the way I write and my play on words, they seem more likely to be coming from you. Although you seldom apply yourself to the written words when you do the result is amazing!

Remember Mom when your article was published in one of the women's magazine? And you got paid RM100? I remember how excited you were that they published your article. And I remember too some of your writings which never saw print.

Oh how moving were those words you wrote!

Well Mom, I am trying to live the dream for you. To get my writings established. To share with the world the story that is in me. So that it won't be too late for me like it was for you. Oh the story you could have told with your 'Meandering River' Mom...

To not let my writing skills go unpolished while I wait for that illusive inspiration for my great novel, I have joined an online writing site called Helium. And you can find links to my works by going to my about me page at Helium.

I miss you Mom. All the time. In every way, every day, in every thing I do... I am always thinking of you.

Al-Fatihah.

Remembering

I was sitting by Mom's bedside in the hospital ward while she had been warded for about two weeks, in between being in the ICU, HDW and a normal ward, when Mom whispered to me, "Nyawa Mommy tak panjang dah Adik" (My life is not going to last for very long now dear).

It shattered me thinking that Mom could foretell her demise. Of course back then we didn't know her time was coming to a close so soon, but it weighed heavily in the thinking that Mom knew something I didn’t.

I remember how I broke down crying and calling my sister at home and telling her about what Mom said and asking her, “What if Mom knows sis?” Referring to the fact that Mom might me cognizant of her end.

After hanging up the phone with Along’s pragmatic words that all we can do is fight along with Mom and pray that she gets better, I wrote this following poem for Mom:

Mummy don’t go,

Please stay.

I can’t imagine a world without you in it,

You make the world lighter with your presence,

You lit it up with your smile and laughter,

And I can’t bear to see it all disappear,

You are my shining star,

You brighten even the darkest nights in my life.

Mummy please don’t go,

Not just yet,

Give it time,

I know you are tired,

I know you are in pain,

And it’s selfish of me to want you to cling to a life that is riled with illness,

But I need you still,

I can’t let go,

So don’t you let go either.

As I write this poem, I was crying and it was neither the first nor the last time that I’d be shedding copious tears.

Thinking about that single memory now, I can tell for certain that, that was the defining moment when I begin to let go of Mom, way even before the Doctor asked my sister Along to sign the death in line form (a form which states that the doctor has informed the next of kin of the imminent death of the patient).

And I realise now too, thinking back on the memory of that night, that Mom was saying her goodbye to me. Mom was telling me that it was her time and that it would all be all right.

That single memory, that precious moment in time, is a private moment between Mom and I, that I would never forget – Mom telling me goodbye and me accepting the fact that Mom is soon to return to the arms of the Almighty Allah. 

Conversation With Mom 25

Hello Mom,

It's 11.48 pm November 4th 2012. This exact moment two years ago, you breathed your last breath and you left us shattered and broken.

Two years later, time might have moved on, but for us, it is still as if it was just yesterday that we saw you last.

Today we visited your grave sans Abang who stayed behind in Jerantut... but he sends his love. We planted another tree at your grave to replace the last one we planted which has since perished.

I hope the new tree will grow well and will keep your resting place cool and comfortable.

I miss you and I love you.

Al-Fatihah.

Conversation With Mom 24

Hello Mommy,

When you were at the hospital

This Sunday would be exactly two years since you've been gone. Two years since I last saw your face.

Mom, you know how much I love entering contests right? Well these past two years I've been going strength for strength with entering as many contest as I can.

Today, I saw on Maybank2u.com that they are having a contest, so I figured I might as well kill two birds with one stone : I could talk to you and blog about how great it is to have access to Maybank2u.com.

You might not be aware of this Mom since you were too ill to realize the practicality of things but during your stay at the hospital we needed a lot of money daily.

We needed money for your adult diapers, we needed money for your special TED stockings which would allow your blood in your legs to circulate and of course we needed money for the daily expenses of coming and going to and fro the hospital; not to mention meal money for me being that I stayed by your side practically the entire 46 days you were hospitalised.

Suffice is to say money was a big worry for us then.

But Dad has many kind friends who would from time to time bank in some money to help with the expenses.

If it wasn't for the ability to check money online at Maybank2u.com we would have wasted a lot of time going physically to the ATM just to check if the money have been banked in or not.

Thanks to Maybank2u.com we did not have to waste time and effort to know our financial strength. With just a click, we easily discover how strong our bank balance is.

We still use Maybank2u.com mainly for checking our bank balance, but there's many wonders that we can do now.

The various things you can do at Maybank2u.com

Previously the Astro account was under your name, but since you've been gone the account has been changed to my name. Since I have access to Maybank2u.com, I'm thinking how easy it is to pay our Astro bill online.

And Mom, do you remember how you used to have to line up at the post office to make a deposit of your ASB account? Well, if you were alive now, you no longer need to suffer the queues at the post office. Just link your ASB account to your Maybank2u.com account and you can purchase new ASB stocks online.

That's what I've been doing lately.

Speaking of contest and Maybank2u.com I've entered another contest of theirs on Facebook where I made an advertisement on how great it is to have access to Maybank2u.com.

I told them about the time you were hospitalised and how important it was to be able to check money on the go.

Well Mom, it's been wonderful sharing this conversation with you and I'll try and come back on your anniversary and maybe have another conversation with you.

Wish me luck with the contest Mom.

Remembering

Dad was in tears today thinking of Mom not being around anymore. Dad asked, "Kenapa Mommy dah tak ada? (Why Isn't Mommy around anymore?):

I felt like crying too, but I replied as calmly as I could that it was her time to go.

As daddy kept being morose and sniffling about I tried to make dad lighthearted a bit by saying, "Mom had to go first so she can set up housekeeping so when you moved on there'll be a nice comfortable house waiting for you."

While Mom wasn't much of a housekeeper she had always somehow manage to make a house a home by making it feel warm and inviting - despite the messiness.

Maybe it was just Mom's loving presence that make the home such an inviting and welcoming haven. Thinking about how empty the house now feels, it definitely was Mom's loving touch that made the difference in the friendly atmosphere that the house gets.

Mom was such a warm, loving and giving person, that being around here automatically induces one into a calm and happy mood.

Remembering Mom as she was, I can't seem to escape this heartache and the feeling of wanting to cry.

We Miss you Mom. R.I.P.

Two years and an innumerable heartbreaks later

On November 4th 2012 at 11.48pm,  it will be exactly two years since Mom passed away. Nearing her anniversary, I find myself thinking about her more frequently than I've been doing this past year.

It's not that all these while I don't think of her, because I do, it's just that lately thoughts of her has been consuming my mind a lot.

These November is also the two years anniversary of my aunt and my friend's grandfather's passing.
They died two days before Mom did.

I mentioned to my friend in a mail on FB the other day that it's almost two years since our loved ones had moved on and she replied saying "yes can you believe how time flies".

Time has flown indeed and I am now about to honour Mom's two years of going home to the Almighty.

I hope she is faring well in the after life. I hope she can still feel the love we still carry for her in our hearts.

I don't have a poem or anything remotely poetic to say about Mom's passing -all I have are these thoughts and I hope it reaches her somehow:

"Mom, I am trying to be a wonderful person whom you would be proud of and trying to live a full life in honor of the spectacular one you had lived. I carry within me, 24/7, 365 and every where I go, the love you left inside my heart and I will cherish and treasure each memory I have of you and one day should I be blessed with a family of my own I will share my memories of you with them and though you weren't blessed with grandkids while you were alive, I will, if Allah willing and I have my own offspring, make them love you as if you were here still to share your love on them... such was the power and beauty of your loving heart that I'm sure I won't have any problems allowing your loving nature to transcends death.

On this day, 26 days before your anniversary, I celebrate the bountiful life you lived and the joy of your love that you shared with those who knew you best.

I love, cherish and honour you.

God willing, one day we'll be together again and this pain in my heart will turn to rejoicing when our souls will greet each other on the same plain once again.

Till then, R.I.P Mom."