Conversation With Mom 43

Hello Mummy, 

Do you remember this Mummy? It was one raya when we were all still together. I miss those times Mom. Times when you were still a part of our lives.

I dreamed that dream again. The one where you came back to life and not know that you've been dead. Where I had to tell you that Mom, you died but then you came back to live and you would say I've never left Adik.

I don't know why I get that same dream all the time. Maybe it's because I wish you are still around.

Sometimes I still get moments when I would turn around expecting you to be there. Like I wanted to say something to you only to then remember you are no longer with me. 

I miss you Mom. Isn't it supposed to get easier with time?

I don't know. I still miss you as much. Still hurts as much thinking of you being gone. I love you Mommy. Always have and always will.

Thinking of all the hugs we have shared and needing one right now so bad that my arms are aching to hold you again.

I love you. I miss you. Keeping you in my mind and heart and bringing you around with me everywhere I go.

Bless your soul Mummy. R.I.P. Al-Fatihah.

Conversation With Mom 42

Mommy love,

This morning in my dream I was lost in missing you. The pain was so intense from the feeling of loss that tears streamed down my cheeks and I was woken up from sleep to find my cheeks damp with tears.

Now just minutes into a new day, I'm still feeling the emptiness that the dream evoked early yesterday morning.

I miss you so much Mommy. 

Everyday that I move further and further away from the day that I saw you last alive is everday that I feel that much more empty without you around.

Right at this moment I feel an overwhelming need to reach out and hug you tight like I used to do. 

Life is just that more lonely without your bright smile and your kind words. 

Everday I miss you. Everyday I think of you. Everyday you are no longer around for me to call out to you Mom.

It is an actual pain what I'm feeling right now. My heart is constricted from the overwhelming feeling of loss.

Mommy, mommy, mommy, where are you now?

Happy Mother's Day Mommy

Mommy love,

Another day that leaves me with nothing to say since you are no longer here to say it to, but still the day is here and say something I must for I still have you in my heart; I remember and miss you always, but days when special occasions such as this make the missing that much harder to bear.

I love you and I miss you.

Happy Mother's day and may Allah bless your soul always.

Al-Fatihah.

Missing you as always,
Adik.

Happy 65th Birthday Mommy

Happy 65th Birthday Mummy

Another year,

Another birthday that you did not see,

And I try to keep still,

Less the memories overwhelms me.

But as your favourite song insist,

I will be Right Here Waiting

Even if it was meant for lovers separated,

I just thought the notion of being reunited incredibly comforting;

For as the years past,

And I try to make your memories last,

Days such as this,

When you are incredibly missed

I look to the sky and wish you

Happy Birthday for ever after.

I love you and miss you.

Happy 65th Mommy,

I am Right Here Waiting For You.

Conversation with Mom 41

Hello Mommy,

Was just looking through this blog and thought it's been a while since I last dropped by and chatted with you. This place is good for my peace of mind. Whenever I find myself thinking of you it is here that I go to to reminisce with you of how it was when you were still around.

It's the same as usual; I still miss you as much as I did on the day you left this earth permanently. The pain is still as sharp, except I guess now I'm more used to the way it feels without you here.

It's hard not having you around. I still look at the empty chair next to me while I'm preparing meals. Still expect to hear your gentle voice whenever I'm lonely and wanting to have a conversation.

Here it is 12 days into the new year and I can't help but think of how much warmer I'd feel inside if you are still here with me.

I know I should be at peace that you've been put out of your misery now, but the heart doesn't know how not to miss you.

But enough about this gloom. I just wanted to tell you that this Saturday Along will be off to England to see Phil (yeah, they are still going strong, say a prayer for them will you Mom?). It will be just Abang, Dad and Me for a month.

We did go see you at your grave in December. We cannot make the trip back often because the car is not very fit for such a rough and long journey.

We do try to get back as often as we can, just don't be sad that it's not that often our visits to you. Just know that you are always in our thoughts.

I miss you Mommy. If you see Grey around tell her I miss her too. I like to think that she's together with you.

My two best girls.

See you around Mommy. My love to you and Grey.

Al-Fatihah.

Conversation With mom 40

Hello Mommy.

Missing you badly at the moment. This Tuesday it would be four years exactly since you went away. Still seems as if it was just yesterday that I last said goodbye to you.

These were taken two days before you passed away. The image is still fresh in my mind; of you lying there unconscious and us praying, despite knowing your days were numbered, that you would pull through somehow.

It still as hard as the day you went away - dealing with you being gone. 

I was rereading my diary yesterday and it was a post for this year's hari raya (Eid) and I was writing how I'd forgotten to put in some ingredient and how I was thinking about you. I am always thinking about you.

Mommy I love you so much. There's not a day that passes by that I don't think of you. 

I still think of how you love having your grey hair pulled. How you always had time to sit by and keep Abang company while he plays his games. How you would never fail to wake up in the middle of the night whenever Dad wants a bite to eat. How you never complained whenever Along needs to be massaged... And how you never tire of my incessant tirade. 

I MISS YOU SO MUCH.

I love you Mommy and I pray that your soul is at peace and that you know how much you are still loved.

Al-Fatihah.

Conversation With Mom 39

Hello Mommy,

It's been a while, I know. Not that I haven't been thinking of you, it's just that I couldn't find the words to say. It's pretty much the same everytime I come in here. I tell you how much I miss you, how it still hurts not to have you around...

Sentiments are still the same because I still haven't learnt to let go off you. No matter how many times I rationalized that your death was the best outcome for you for had you lived you would have suffered, I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I just don't get to have you around anymore.

Mommy, I miss you so much sometimes that its all I can do to fight down the need to bawl.

I think of you and my chest feels heavy with unshed tears. The sorrow runs deep.

As I sit here and think of you and write this post after so long having kept silent, I can't help but lose just a little bit of myself thinking of how life would be if you still walk it with us.

I miss you so much Mom. Everyday.

This coming November 4th would mark the 4th year that you've been gone, but I still feel as if it was just yesterday that I received that call from along close to midnight saying you just passed.

I still feel the surreality of it.

Tears are falling as I write this and just like that thinking of you overwhelms me again.

There's a void inside me where you used to fill it with a comfort that I just can't find anywhere from anyone. There's been moments since you've been gone that I really needed you to be around for. There's just no getting around the fact that no one could give me the solace that only you could provide.

Mommy I love you and miss you always.