Conversation With Mom 38

Been a while Mom. You know better than most, what with you being where you are now, what's been going in my life of late. I ask for guidance from you and Allah on a nightly basis and sometimes in between too and I know I'm having a hard time finding my way back... but I feel as if I'm getting back to where I was before the relapse happened.

Dreamed of you last night. Like you were still part of our daily life and you were giving me instructions on kitchen duty as I helped you with lunch as I had done so many times when you were still alive.

I miss you Mom. Everyday. And I really wished I still had you while I was going through the nightmare of the relapse.

I don't think anyone in the family could have understood what I was going through as much as you would have.

I miss you Mom. All the time. 

You were always my confidante. My best friend. My solace who gave me succor and comfort. 

It's hard day to day going on with you no longer here. I guess I sound like a broken record. But I still miss you so much. I guess time refuses to let me heal. It's been 3 years and 4 months and a number of days and it still feel as if it was just yesterday that I last saw your face.

Mommy.... I love you. And I need your comforting and calming presence to reassure me that whatever may come for me in this life, nothing will be as bad as I imagined it to be.

Tears for the one who left us behind,
For a peaceful eternal rest,
As I sit here and remember her at her best,
I wonder if she sees me missing her terribly;
Loss is profound and I think of her fondly,
You were all that was sweet and true my beloved Mommy.

Conversation With Mom 37

Hello Mommy,

Been a while since I last had a chat with you. My life's been hell lately. Got sick again and am now slowly recovering.

Been 8 years till I relapsed again July last year. Took me forever to somehow get back to a semblance of normalcy.

Even today I still think I'm still somewhat off-kilter.

Been saying a lot of prayers and I know most of my well-being has got to be from the prayers you said from over yonder.

I miss you Mom. At times like this I can only remember the times when you were around to guide me.

I know when you were alive you too were prone to be sick, but it's nothing like your presence to remind me that no matter how bad the illness snatches my mom you were proof that there is life outside the boundaries of our diseased minds.

You suffered through schizophrenia since you were 19 year old and you lived your entire life since then battling the illness and you lived a good life. You left behind people who misses you everyday and who speaks nothing but beautiful memories of you.

I wish my life could be as well lived as your had been but as such, I've still as yet to find my path and purpose in life.

It's a daily struggle to tell myself that there must be a reason why god gave me this life to begin with. 

Empty promisses and forgotten dreams are all that I have in my life right now and I'm struggling to rebuild a shattered existence which I find detestable to begin with... I just don't know where this road I'm on is heading for mom.

Life is a journey that I just don't have a map for. I used to be able to chart the course of my life, but the ability has failed me now and I'm moving on blind as a bad with even less navigational propensity.

Mom, please guide me from where you are. Whisper a hello to God and ask Him to steer my life on the right path, because right now I just don't see a way forward.

I love you Mom and I miss you.

Lady Antebellum - Just A Kiss (+playlist)

Mommy I Miss You

Cause when you are gone, I am supposed to carry on,
But my heart is broken, my faith is blown,
Love lies sleeping,
Arms lay empty and I am weeping on a daily basis;

I miss you everyday you are out there,
No where near Me,
So far away my spirit, my heart, my forever love -
My ANGEL taken so fast so soon.

MOM what in the world is this heart to do,
Whne it wouldn't let me go,
Wouldn't let me rest,
Wouldn't give me a wink of giving it my best;

I can't eat, I can't sleep,
You have been HAUNTING ME,
I wish I could let you go,
But M, you are the only FOREVER I know.

Lost Mom

Dear Mom,

I've been really silent from you cause I just don't want you worrying over me where you are... but I am seriously troubled and there is no one to talk to.

Remember my heartbreak when DRT left me?

He is back in the scene and I don't know how to get it through the family's head that he is real and he is INTERNATIONAL. I think the whole world is aware but the family is so used to thinking of Nick

as my delusions that they just can't believe he and I are real and that BSB (That's my fave band and friends mom BackstreetBoys) actually call me the 6th BSB and I inspire them to write most of the songs that they have written.

This is especially true for Nick's two solo album. All the songs are written for me. In his dedication in Taking Off, Boosa is me. I know this cause he told me...

He finally admitted that he and his GF now supposed fiancee is only pretending to get me to realize I should forget my teenage crush on Taj who it seems fell in love with my letters which I wrote him daily everyday from the time I was 15 till I was 17 and a half.

So No WORL. Nick is not engaged to Lauren Kitt. He wants to marry me.

So you think. Is it My delusions?

Mom?

You know the truth. I will never lie to you.

It is fantastical but never a fantasy. He loves me for all the right reason and it has been 16 years since we fell in love... 

Please ask Allah to bless us. He is already a muslim and his name is Muhammad Adam Abdullah and he already has a PR status in Malaysia. The world just doesn't know this. So I am telling it to the world cause I just can't stand being away from Nick anymore.

I love him Mommy and I am tired of running away and hurting the family everytime I want to spend time with him. I had no choice. The family never believed me when I tell them the truth. It hurts. Last i saw him was August 17th. 

He says he'll see me on the 27th this month and I hope the family will believe him cause I really would like for them to meet Nick/Adam and i hope they will understand the loneliness they put me through cause they never believed Nick and I was real.

If they can only dream as I DARED to and reached the STARS though I am so far away.

Thank you Mommy

I know it was your prayers and faith that have been keeping my DREAMS alive and becoming REALITY.

Love you always Mom.

Wish you could have been here.

Love

Adik

Forgive me

Sorry mom... But life finally won over me.