Conversation With Mom 16

Mommy love,

You would be so proud of daddy's achievement if you were still here. I just wanted to share with you the highlight of our lives these past few days.

Dad's first ever book has finally seen print and the books were sent to our house. Dad entitled the book 'Simfoni Sepi'.

                                            Dad besides the delivered boxes of his books.

Mom, the book is spectacular. What I love most about the book is the poems that dad wrote for you and the dedication that was made out for you. The dedication reads, "Siti Rahey binti Tok Muda Haji Salehuddin. Mummy, isteriku tercinta, ibu kepada anak-anakku Yasleh Khaliff Amri, Yasleh Hani Wati, Yasleh Rita Ayu" (Siti Rahey binti Tok Muda Haji Salehuddin.Mummy, my beloved wife, mother to my children Yasleh Khaliff Amri, Yasleh Hani Wati, Yasleh Rita Ayu)

You are still very much part of our lives Mom. No one can deny how huge an impact you have wrought into our lives. Especially to daddy. Everyone can see how important you were in dad's life.

In the introduction to the book Uncle Johan (Johan Jaaffar) wrote about how daddy was shaped to be the man he is by having you in his life and how important you were in creating the man he is today.

Mom, I am going to share with you the poem dad wrote (which is included in the book) on the 101 day of your passing.


Seratus Satu Hari Sudah Mummy Pergi Meninggalkan Kami


Mummy sayang.
Seratus satu hari sudah
Mummy pergi meninggalkan kami.
Daddy, Abang, Adik, Phil dan Mama Jen
datang hari ini
menziarahi pusara Mummy
menjulang pasrah menatang sayu
memujuk rindu tanpa sendu
walaupun tak terleraikan jua
sembilu pilu yang menghiris qalbu.


Anak-anak kita membersihkan pusara Mummny
dari dakapan daun-daun kering.
Daddy tanamkan sepohon puding
dari keratan benih yang kami ambil
di pusara Abah.


Aduhai Mummy tersayang.
Betapalah ya,
begitu kami melafazkan salam pamitan
bayu pula menggugurkan lagi daun-daun kering
satu, satu, menutup pusaramu
bagaikan dulu
di suatu ketika
dalam suatu detik waktu
bayu meniup rambut menutup wajahmu
di sempadan hari
dan belibis senja resah mencari
pasangannya yang hilang
dalam timbunan daun-daun kering
yang berguguran satu, satu, satu, satu, satu.


Lalu dengan darah dari jari manisku yang luka
ku tuliskan sebuah sajak untukmu Siti Rahey ku tercinta.
Di manakah agaknya
sajak itu kini Mummy sayang?
Aduhai.


1038, 12 Feb, 2011
Tanah Perkuburan Pengkalan Balai,
Chenor, Maran, Pahang.

(* Taken from 'Simfoni Sepi' by yassinsalleh page 29-30 with permission from the author.)

Mom, that is one among many of the poems dad wrote for you. Some while you were in the hospital and some after you passed away.

I hope you are proud looking down on dad from wherever you are.

We love you and miss you always.

R.I.P. Mom.

Conversation With Mom 15

Hello Mommy,

It's been a while since I last talked to you. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I feel as if I am saying the same thing over and over again and I was afraid of sounding trite.

But tonight, I feel like talking with you. You know I always miss you Mom. All of us do all the time.

Dad and Abang is particularly miserable. And dad in specific have not been the same since you've been gone. He is more irritable now and he seems lost without you. He is drowning in his sorrow and I don't know what we can do to help pull him out of his bereavement.

I know you were his soul-mate and you bring balance to his life. You stabilized him. As much as he was your rock when you were alive, you were the pillar of his existence. Now that you are gone his very essence is threatened for you defined the man that he used to be. Without you he have to rebuild his entire make-up and I don't think dad is doing well in rebuilding a life post you.

Mom, how do I help dad regain his sense of self? His life for so long now has been centred around you, but now you are no longer here and it's like he has lost his direction and purpose in life.

How can I help dad when I have no clue of where to begin?

I know dad will read this and he will brush my lamentations aside. He won't deign to dignify my concerns with an admission of how bereft he is without you. Dad is still dad despite the changes your passing has impose on him. And he is always the strong one and heaven forbids if we should see him crumble.

Mom, the family has not been the same since you left.

There are much resentment and tension in the house. Abang is always saying how the family is not like it used to be when you were still around. Grief is tearing us apart and yet no one is adressing the issue. We are all each suffering in silent and not talking about how your passing has affected the unity of this small family unit.

We are just going on with life and everyday I feel the family growing further and further apart. It's like your passing has left a chasm in between the four of us left and we just can't seem to close the gap to reach each other.

Every one is in their own private hell and there is no solidarity.

I don't know how to heal this wound you left behind Mom. How do I gain back the unified family we once had?

Who would have thought that having you out of the equation would leave everyone in the negative?

Mom, show me the way to repair our shredded heart and to heal the family's broken bonds.

I have not known a truly happy moment in the family ever since you departed.

Help me Mom. Guide me from where ever you are. If this hurt isn't healed, we will never gain that cohesive unity once more.

Sorry if I burden you with our earthly problems, but as when you were alive, you were the only one I could really share my troubles with. I'll leave you for now mom. Hopefully when next we talk, I would have a happier demeanour.

Love always,
Adik.