Monday, March 20, 2017

Conversation With Mom 46

Hello Mommy,

Daddy just came back from Bengkulu yesterday. He was exhausted when he arrived home. He straight away went to bed. His sleep however was a restless one because his body was in pain.

He kept asking to be massaged while talking in his sleep. At one point during the night he cried out,"Mi (short for Mommy) tangan sakit (my arm hurts)".

I didn't realized he was calling out your name, but Along pointed out that that what was what he did.

This morning I told him what he uttered while he was sleeping last night and he said, "I miss Mommy terribly."  

And then I mentioned that soon (April 6) your birthday is coming and he said we should visit you at your eternal resting place.

And I shared with him my thoughts on the trip; on how when we go we should bring along cleaning essentials so we can spruce up your grave. I said it is the rainy season and for sure your grave would be muddy and dirty and we need to be prepared to clean it when we do go and visit you. Especially since it has been quite a long while since we last visited you and your headstone and the  surrounding base would be grimy.

I'm sorry we haven't been visiting you more frequently Mom. But such is life that you don't always get to do what your heart longs to do. And I always long to be by your side.

I know its just the site where your body lays and that now that you are gone even miles away from your resting place you are still near me, being near that physical evidence of where you last lay brings a different kind of solace than saying a prayer for you every night, thinking of you each single day and writing to you here in this blog of mine.

I miss you Mommy. Thinking of you always makes me sad. As it is now tears are falling. 

I miss you so much Mommy. I miss your smile, your gentle voice, your soft hands, your warm hugs, your tender touch.

I miss having you walk with me alongside me as I journey through my life. I miss having you by my side. I miss you.

There's a missing piece in my life now. Life is incomplete. Where you once stood is just an echo of a memory that try as I hard to keep it fresh tends to fade at the edges. I haven't forgotten what you look like, or how you were but in my mind the images takes on a soft blur. It's still visible but it taunts me with the fear that one day the blurry lines would just fade away into nothingness and you would just be gone permanently.

Which is why these words I keep writing to you are so important, less you fade away into nothingness.

I love you Mommy. 


Friday, January 20, 2017

Conversation With Mom 45

Hello Mommy,
Was looking at my earlier postings and I felt like it has been a while since we talked. I miss you and miss you and never stop missing you but that's not news is it? I say it every time I talk to you.

Haven't been dreaming about you lately, but still thinking of you everyday. You know of course that there's not a day that goes by that you don't cross my mind and make me ache for your company.

You were the sunshine in my life Mom. You centered my universe and you make life that much easier to bear when times are hard and all I want to do is give up. You are that to all of us. To Abang, Along, Daddy and me.

Along could really use your gentle, loving care right about now. She is in one of the worst depression she has ever suffered. Almost as bad as when she first got sick in Form 3.

I don't know how to help her. All I can do is listen and hug her when she needs it, but I'm not you. I don't have that uplifting effect you had. How you can make a bad day looks better just by being your loving self.

Abang will ask from time to time how you are doing on the other side. He will ask, "Adik, Adik ingat Mommy OK ke? (Adik, do you think Mommy is OK or not?)"

And Daddy will want to visit your grave every now and again, but we can never seem to visit as often as we would like due to the circumstances of our lives that hinders our ability to do so.

But no matter the distance that's between us now Mom, all of us still holds you as close to our hearts as we always have.

Death might separate us but it cannot keep us apart Mommy.

We will always carry you where ever we go, where ever we might be and what ever we might be doing. 

You live on FOREVER in our hearts and minds.

I love you Mommy. R.I.P. 


Thursday, November 3, 2016

Hold on Forever

Mommy, six years ago today, you left us for good to be in a better place and I know I should not regret that your pain has ended and that you have moved on to where you will no longer feel pain, but alas Mommy, the hold you have on my heart is so deep that I can't stop feeling sorry for myself that I no longer have you around to continue walking with me through out my life's journey.

I am crying as I write this. Would you believe it didn't register to me that today is the anniversary of that tragic day when you breathed your last breath, until Along showed me her poem about you.

Mommy, I miss you so much. I miss you still. I can't believe it's been six years because the pain is still as fresh as the day you went away.

Mommy I love you so much. The pain is so deep, so sharp and I feel so raw inside. My heart is still in pieces and I don't think it will ever mend. You took my heart away with you. I still need you with me Mom. 

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and miss you like a million times a day. I say a prayer for you every night and wake up every morning wishing I could still greet you good morning.

Mommy, how will I ever get through losing you? It hurts so bad. There's an emptiness in me where you used to be. I feel hollow and incomplete. There is a yearning in my heart for your ever loving presence that I just can't shake off from my psyche.

I love you forever Mommy. But it seems forever is not enough because forever ended when you moved on. I want to love you here, now in the present not as a memory that I can't hold and touch and hug and talk to.

If I could have my fondest wish granted is for Allah to have change our fate and that you did not die that night six years ago. That you survived. That you are still here. That I still can look up and see your face. That I can say, "Mommy I love you," and hear you say it back, "Adik, I love you too."

Al-Fatihah Mommy.

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Happy 60th Again

Dearest Mommy,

Every year since you passed away, I write in this blog happy 61st, 62nd, 63rd and so forth on your birthday. And this year you would have turned 66 and I would have wished you happy 66th birthday except as your birthday approaches, I only now realized that you passed away when you were sixty and so you would never age again and it just shows how much I haven't accepted your passing that it took over five years after you've been gone to realize that you can't age anymore and me wishing you a new age year is just not logical. 

So this year, I'm just going to say happy birthday and since your last birthday you were 60 I am going to wish you happy 60th again Mom. You are ageless now, for you no longer walk this plateau.

I love you and miss you always.
Happy 60th Once Again Beloved

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Conversation With Mom 44

Hello Mommy.

I dreamed of you yesterday. It was one of those dream where you came back from the dead to live as if you had never died. Been a while since I had that kind of dream. Yesterday it was you and I spending precious time together. You were brushing the dandruff out of my hair. And my heart ached feeling the tenderness and love with which you were applying to the task.

When I woke up with the realization that time spent with you could never ever be again, I almost wept.

Even as I write this I feel like crying again.

And then I saw dad post his picture at your grave today and the tears just started to fall. I should have followed dad to the wedding today then I would have been able to visit your grave. But I am having my monthly and I am feeling poorly and didn't feel like making the long trip to Pahang.

But I would have really love to visit you. It's been a while since I last visited you.

I miss you Mommy. So much. There's an emptiness, a gaping hole in my heart where your presence once reside. Memories are not the same Mom. They are not tangible. Not something I can hold physically. These arms ache to hold you once more.

Ya Allah knows how much it hurts not having you around. It should get easier with time, but it still hurts so much. I am crying now and I can't stop thinking of how much I wish you were still around. It doesn't make sense to me you being gone. I know everyone's time will come, but how I wish yours hadn't come so soon.

I love you Mommy.

The two of us once upon a time

Monday, December 14, 2015

Conversation With Mom 43

Hello Mummy, 

Do you remember this Mummy? It was one raya when we were all still together. I miss those times Mom. Times when you were still a part of our lives.

I dreamed that dream again. The one where you came back to life and not know that you've been dead. Where I had to tell you that Mom, you died but then you came back to live and you would say I've never left Adik.

I don't know why I get that same dream all the time. Maybe it's because I wish you are still around.

Sometimes I still get moments when I would turn around expecting you to be there. Like I wanted to say something to you only to then remember you are no longer with me. 

I miss you Mom. Isn't it supposed to get easier with time?

I don't know. I still miss you as much. Still hurts as much thinking of you being gone. I love you Mommy. Always have and always will.

Thinking of all the hugs we have shared and needing one right now so bad that my arms are aching to hold you again.

I love you. I miss you. Keeping you in my mind and heart and bringing you around with me everywhere I go.

Bless your soul Mummy. R.I.P. Al-Fatihah.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Conversation With Mom 42

Mommy love,

This morning in my dream I was lost in missing you. The pain was so intense from the feeling of loss that tears streamed down my cheeks and I was woken up from sleep to find my cheeks damp with tears.

Now just minutes into a new day, I'm still feeling the emptiness that the dream evoked early yesterday morning.

I miss you so much Mommy. 

Everyday that I move further and further away from the day that I saw you last alive is everday that I feel that much more empty without you around.

Right at this moment I feel an overwhelming need to reach out and hug you tight like I used to do. 

Life is just that more lonely without your bright smile and your kind words. 

Everday I miss you. Everyday I think of you. Everyday you are no longer around for me to call out to you Mom.

It is an actual pain what I'm feeling right now. My heart is constricted from the overwhelming feeling of loss.

Mommy, mommy, mommy, where are you now?