Friday, November 3, 2017

7 Years Since You've Been Gone


It has been 7 years since you left us Mom. 7 years since the last time I saw your face in real time. 7 years of not being able to be face to face with you. 7 years of heartache and pain and endless feeling of missing you.

Our love for you remain as strong as ever and we are still so lost without you in our lives.

As you always were, you still are in our hearts and we carry you with us every where we go in every thing that we do.

Although you are no longer here with us physically, your presence is still very much felt by us because we will never let go of the memories we have of you and the love we still carry for you.

On this 7th anniversary of the day you moved on, I just want to share with you the depths of our dedication to you and all that you were when you lived.

We may not have you around anymore, but we will always remember, always be aware of how much the loss of you affect our daily lives.

We love you always, forever after.

Al-Fatihah Mommy. May you be at peace where you are now.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Conversation With Mom 47

Mommy,

Adik rindu Mommy (I miss you Mommy). Daddy reposted a memory of when you were in Day 25 being warded in Serdang Hospital.

I read that post and saw the pictures and broke down crying.

Soon it will be 7 years since you left us. It hurts just the same as it did when I first said goodbye to you.

I miss your smile, I miss the sound of your voice. I miss hugging you. I miss our talks. I miss preparing meals with you. I miss you. So much.

Life is that much less richer without you. There is an emptiness, a hollow feeling where your presence once was.

Abang told me, three days ago while I was sleeping I called out your name while extending my hand as if reaching out for you. If Abang didn't tell me about it, I wouldn't have known I had been dreaming about you.

Mommy it hurts so bad not having you in our lives anymore. Everyday I say a prayer in your memory, everyday I think of you, everyday I miss you.

If I could spend just one more day with you, just to tell you again how much I love you and miss you and need you, I would be the happiest person on earth.

I miss you so much Mommy.

Words are not enough to express the wrenching pain in my heart. I hurt so bad missing you. I love you so much Mommy. You were the best part of me. You were my best friend. You were the only person in my life that I could totally be myself with.

I could tell you everything and anything about me and know that you would love me still without question or hesitation.

I love you so much Mommy. And I miss you. Every second, every minute and every hour of every day.

I love you and you are no longer here for me to tell you that.

I miss you with every breath that is in me.

Al-Fatihah.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Mother's Day 2017

Happy Mother's Day Mommy!

Another year where you are no longer around for us to show you how much you mean to us. Another year of feeling the loss of your presence. As everyone celebrates this day with their mothers, I'm warding of the ache I feel inside knowing that I can no longer to the same with you.

All I have are memories and today my mind is flooded with memories of mother's day past when you were still around for us to honor you on this special day meant for special mothers like you.

I remember Along will always get you the most practical gifts while I would always find the most whimsical albeit useless gifts that I could find.

Remember the teapot with the small cups mom? I loved thinking up of gifts that would tickle your fantasy fancy.

Those are just memories now. And I'm swimming with them at the moment. How I wish I could still thrill you with my whimsy. I love you Mom. And miss you. Everyday. Every moment. This being no exception.

Happy Mother's Day 2017 Mommy... if you but lived...

Al-Fatihah.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Happy Birthday Mommy

Mommy,

Today is your birthday again Mommy. Another one that we cannot celebrate with you. Along was thinking about the cake that we would joyously choose for you every year because that is all that you ever really want for your birthday. 

Every time your birthday rolls around now, we will feel like we haven't accomplished something because we no longer get to buy you your favorite treat. No longer do we have the fun of surprising you with different delectable cakes each year.

All we can do now is reminisce on all of the past birthdays when you were still around and remember your happiness and delight when we bring out the cake on your birthday.

We miss you Mommy and it still tugs at our heartstrings that we can never celebrate your birthday together.

I love you Mommy. Happy 60th again.

Love you forever after, Adik. 

Monday, March 20, 2017

Conversation With Mom 46

Hello Mommy,

Daddy just came back from Bengkulu yesterday. He was exhausted when he arrived home. He straight away went to bed. His sleep however was a restless one because his body was in pain.

He kept asking to be massaged while talking in his sleep. At one point during the night he cried out,"Mi (short for Mommy) tangan sakit (my arm hurts)".

I didn't realized he was calling out your name, but Along pointed out that that what was what he did.

This morning I told him what he uttered while he was sleeping last night and he said, "I miss Mommy terribly."  

And then I mentioned that soon (April 6) your birthday is coming and he said we should visit you at your eternal resting place.

And I shared with him my thoughts on the trip; on how when we go we should bring along cleaning essentials so we can spruce up your grave. I said it is the rainy season and for sure your grave would be muddy and dirty and we need to be prepared to clean it when we do go and visit you. Especially since it has been quite a long while since we last visited you and your headstone and the  surrounding base would be grimy.

I'm sorry we haven't been visiting you more frequently Mom. But such is life that you don't always get to do what your heart longs to do. And I always long to be by your side.

I know its just the site where your body lays and that now that you are gone even miles away from your resting place you are still near me, being near that physical evidence of where you last lay brings a different kind of solace than saying a prayer for you every night, thinking of you each single day and writing to you here in this blog of mine.

I miss you Mommy. Thinking of you always makes me sad. As it is now tears are falling. 

I miss you so much Mommy. I miss your smile, your gentle voice, your soft hands, your warm hugs, your tender touch.

I miss having you walk with me alongside me as I journey through my life. I miss having you by my side. I miss you.

There's a missing piece in my life now. Life is incomplete. Where you once stood is just an echo of a memory that try as I hard to keep it fresh tends to fade at the edges. I haven't forgotten what you look like, or how you were but in my mind the images takes on a soft blur. It's still visible but it taunts me with the fear that one day the blurry lines would just fade away into nothingness and you would just be gone permanently.

Which is why these words I keep writing to you are so important, less you fade away into nothingness.

I love you Mommy. 

Al-Fatihah.

Friday, January 20, 2017

Conversation With Mom 45

Hello Mommy,
Was looking at my earlier postings and I felt like it has been a while since we talked. I miss you and miss you and never stop missing you but that's not news is it? I say it every time I talk to you.

Haven't been dreaming about you lately, but still thinking of you everyday. You know of course that there's not a day that goes by that you don't cross my mind and make me ache for your company.

You were the sunshine in my life Mom. You centered my universe and you make life that much easier to bear when times are hard and all I want to do is give up. You are that to all of us. To Abang, Along, Daddy and me.

Along could really use your gentle, loving care right about now. She is in one of the worst depression she has ever suffered. Almost as bad as when she first got sick in Form 3.

I don't know how to help her. All I can do is listen and hug her when she needs it, but I'm not you. I don't have that uplifting effect you had. How you can make a bad day looks better just by being your loving self.

Abang will ask from time to time how you are doing on the other side. He will ask, "Adik, Adik ingat Mommy OK ke? (Adik, do you think Mommy is OK or not?)"

And Daddy will want to visit your grave every now and again, but we can never seem to visit as often as we would like due to the circumstances of our lives that hinders our ability to do so.

But no matter the distance that's between us now Mom, all of us still holds you as close to our hearts as we always have.

Death might separate us but it cannot keep us apart Mommy.

We will always carry you where ever we go, where ever we might be and what ever we might be doing. 

You live on FOREVER in our hearts and minds.

I love you Mommy. R.I.P. 

Al-Fatihah.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Hold on Forever


Mommy, six years ago today, you left us for good to be in a better place and I know I should not regret that your pain has ended and that you have moved on to where you will no longer feel pain, but alas Mommy, the hold you have on my heart is so deep that I can't stop feeling sorry for myself that I no longer have you around to continue walking with me through out my life's journey.

I am crying as I write this. Would you believe it didn't register to me that today is the anniversary of that tragic day when you breathed your last breath, until Along showed me her poem about you.

Mommy, I miss you so much. I miss you still. I can't believe it's been six years because the pain is still as fresh as the day you went away.

Mommy I love you so much. The pain is so deep, so sharp and I feel so raw inside. My heart is still in pieces and I don't think it will ever mend. You took my heart away with you. I still need you with me Mom. 

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and miss you like a million times a day. I say a prayer for you every night and wake up every morning wishing I could still greet you good morning.

Mommy, how will I ever get through losing you? It hurts so bad. There's an emptiness in me where you used to be. I feel hollow and incomplete. There is a yearning in my heart for your ever loving presence that I just can't shake off from my psyche.

I love you forever Mommy. But it seems forever is not enough because forever ended when you moved on. I want to love you here, now in the present not as a memory that I can't hold and touch and hug and talk to.

If I could have my fondest wish granted is for Allah to have change our fate and that you did not die that night six years ago. That you survived. That you are still here. That I still can look up and see your face. That I can say, "Mommy I love you," and hear you say it back, "Adik, I love you too."

Al-Fatihah Mommy.