I went for a job interview today. During the course of the interview, the interviewer asked me what I have been doing during the time I was not working. I told him how I have written and published a book for Kindle and he asked what the book was about and I told him that it's about you and my experiences after you passed away.
He told me what I've been telling myself all this while. He said, "Don't dwell on the past. She is after all in a better place."
My head knows this Mom, but my heart? My heart won't hear anything of the sort. It keeps yearning for your continued presence in my life, it keeps insisting on holding tight to every possible link there is left of you; my heart does not know and does not want to let you go.
Mom, I know it's not healthy for either of us that I keep dwelling in the many what-ifs-scenario in my head. You have indeed moved on to a better place devoid of pain, devoid of misery. But I can't stop myself from wishing that Allah hasn't seen fit to take you away last November 4th, even though that was the most Merciful thing Allah could do for you then.
Mom, life is moving forward. Each day that I take forward now leaves you further and further behind where the distant isn't only physical but spiritual, emotional and mental, and I don't want to leave you behind; I CAN'T leave you behind.
All the things in life that I'm going through, I wish you could still be here to share with me. All the things in life that I know you would have wanted to be there for.
Mom, I thought writing that book I entitled simply, 'Mom' would be a catharsis, that it would help me heal... but now even with the book having made it's very first sale and I rejoiced in the fact that at least another soul out there who bless his or her heart has seen fit to purchase our book, and will know you as I have known you and help me in immortalizing you, I still feel hollow inside.
Mom, why won't this ache ever go?
I believe till there is no more breath in me, I will forever more carry a wound in my heart where your presence once was.
Mom, I love you and I miss you.