Conversation with Mom 32

Hello again Mommy. Just wanted to tell you that two nights ago before Abang went to sleep, he said he misses you and cried his heart out.

It has been a long time since Abang showed his pain of losing you... so much so that I sometimes wonder if you still run through his mind; I have my answer now, like the rest of the family he still sorely misses you.

It broke my heart that I couldn't do anything to ease his pain, I just held him and reminded him that you loved him so much.

 He fell asleep with tears still falling.

It happens to me too sometime. And sometime I even cry in my sleep.

It doesn't seem to get easier with time Mom; it hurts just as badly as it did when we first learned that you were gone.

Truth is, every time I have these talks with you I am always rendered near to tears, and sometimes the tears couldn't be kept at bay and I have actually cried a few times while writing this to you.

I know the pain hurts, but I am glad I still feel it because it means you are still fresh in my mind.

I love you and miss you always. Al-Fatihah.

Mom's 63rd Birthday

Happy 63rd Birthday

Tomorrow, April 6 2013, would have been Mom's 63rd birthday had she lived beyond age 60.

While Mom was alive, before Along met Phil, Mom's Birthday is the first one we celebrate every year. The year, to me at least, doesn't really start to swing until Mom's birthday rolled in.

It's hard now not having Mom around to mark her special day.

Like me Mom loved birthdays. But unlike me, Mom love it not for the present, but rather for the cake that we would never fail to get her.

Mom loved cakes. Her favorite was tiramisu. 

While we don't celebrate her special day in real time now, I mean, buying cakes and presents for her, we still honor the day in our memory.

This year I am honoring her special day a day earlier, just because I can't wait for midnight before I express how much she is missed and how much I would have loved it if she was still around to enjoy the cake we would have gotten her if she was still alive to enjoy it.

As it is, I can only recite for her Al-Fatihah and hope she is comfortable where she is now.

Happy Birthday Mommy. I love you and miss you always.

My recurring dream of Mom

Ever since Mom passed away, I have often dreamed of her. Most of the time the theme of the dream is similar.

Mom had passed away but she came back to life and lived as she had always lived before. In most of the dreams, she was unaware that she had died. She lived as if she had never moved on.

In all of the dreams, we were always at a loss to explain how Mom who had died was now alive once more.

And at the end of these dreams, Mom would die once again and we once again had to mourn her passing. The best thing about the dream was having Mom alive once more and being the pillar of strength and the cornerstone that she had always been for the entire family.

Of course added to that dream is the horrific fact that she came back from the dead.

Somehow though, she came back fully form and healthy. Just as I remembered her before she got ill and ultimately passed away.

In all my dreams, she never came back looking zombie like or grotesque.

I don't really like to psychoanalyze myself, but it is obvious to me that I have issues with letting go of Mom and wishes she still walks the earth with us.

Such is the way of life that Mom is really gone and I will just have to get used to the idea that only my own death would mean that I would see Mom once again.

And as I have no plans of dying anytime soon, I guess my reunion with Mom will just have to wait.

I love you and miss you Mommy. Al-Faitihah