Friday, August 26, 2011

Conversation With Mom 4

Hello Mommy,

In four days I will see you again at your grave. It will be the first raya we celebrate at your final resting place. I'm incredibly sad today. I don't know why. I'm just sitting here in front of the computer and thinking of you and tears are streaming down my cheeks.

I have bad days like today when I miss you so bad that it feels like my whole world is crumbling down all around me yet again. I don't know why mom. I thought it's supposed to get easier with time.

This November 4th will be the first anniversary of your passing and I still can't wrap my head around the idea that you are no longer with us.

I miss you so bad. It hurts so bad.

My heart is all raw and bleeding from missing you so much. It aches Mom. It aches for the soft smile you use to have on your face. It aches for the gentle way you have when you speak. It aches for the love that I used to feel emanating from you. It aches for YOU.

Mom, you weren't here when Abang turned 16. That was a heartache for everyone of us, but especially for boy. He hurts so much that you won't get to see him grow up that he says he doesn't want to celebrate his birthdays anymore.

And Along just wrote a post yesterday saying how she is even less looking forward to her birthday this year than she usually is. Last year on her birthday you fell, and this year will only serve as a reminder of her last birthday with you.

Mom, my mind keep asking the question IF. I can't let go of the many what ifs in my head. What if you hadn't fall. What if I hadn't ask you to tend to the pot in the kitchen? What if we had gotten you to the hospital sooner when you did fall... What if we had taken better care of you?

I know asking these questions only adds to the pain... as if we could have done something to avert fate.

But Mom, I can't help it. I keep playing in my hand the different scenarios that could have happened and the outcome of it. Maybe if you hadn't fall, you'd still be here. Still be here to watch Abang grow. Still be here when Along gets married. Still be here to see me keep a job and be successful at it. Still be here to keep dad company. Still be here so we can still shower you with our love.

Mom, I know Allah has decided that it was time for you to come home and for you to finally be at rest. Rest from a life you have grown weary off. Allah is the All-Knowing. Allah knows it was time for you to go.

But not to talk back to the divine or anything, but I wish sometimes Allah is less-knowing so I might still have you with me.

I know it is selfish of me. I know you are in a better place. You so suffered in your last two months on earth and all the years you have been living half a life, a shadow of your former self... but mom, I would give anything if I could see you lying on the bed in the room peacefully sleeping and see your sleepy eyes when I wake you to oversee me prepare a meal.

Mom, how I miss our time together. You were my best friend. I could share with you anything, no matter how silly and ridiculous... and I miss that Mom.

I miss having someone I can talk with. I love our conversations together. Now I only have this one sided conversation with you and never again will I hear you telling me that life will turn out all right because what else would it be if not all right?

Mom, I miss you. R.I.P Mom. See you on Hari Raya (Eid).

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