Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Conversation With Mom 12

Hello Mommy,

It's been a while since I last talked to you. It's not because I don't want to talk anymore, it's just that I couldn't think of what to say. I hate being repetitious and it seems that every time I talk with you I am always telling you how miserable I am now without you.

Mom, you know I miss you with all that is in me, but I don't think it's healthy anymore for me to keep dwelling on the fact that you are now gone. I will still talk with you, but I don't think I will keep on reiterating in various different ways how much you being gone is affecting us and me in particular.

I want to tell you that in 9 days Along will leave for England and will be there for a month. She's going to visit her fiance and give a test run on how life would be there when she moves there after her marriage. You would have loved Along forging ahead with her life, contemplating marriage and a family of her own.

At least one of your children is moving on with her life. Me? I'm still stuck in the same routine, not growing, not evolving. I don't know Mom. It's at times like this that I wish you were still around to reassure me that my life is progressing nicely. That in time I will find the answers to my questions about life.

Oh yes, Dad commented one time that it's like he doesn't matter in our equation when we write our blogs. I guess my blogs with you have always been focused on my feelings, my emotions, my heartbreak. I haven't really shared with you how Dad, Abang and Along are doing.

Well, I think you would know already that they all miss you terribly. Dad is handling his bereavement by being stoic and focusing on the betterment of his children's lives. He misses you a lot. I can tell that he is finding life without you unbearable at times. There are times when he would look really sad and I know he's thinking of you.

There was that one point in time when he refuse to shave off his beard. He looked so scruffy. But he shaved it off when we were going to visit you for your one year anniversary.

And Abang. He remembers all those times when you would sit by him and accompany him while he is playing his computer games. Now he plays by himself and he says he misses the times when you were sitting by his side. He would also say sometimes how my cooking pales to yours. He misses you being around Mom. And sometimes when he gets really sad, he says he would rather be there with you than be here without you. Of course I know he doesn't mean it, just that he misses you too much.

Then there's Along. I know she still cries for you from time to time. It doesn't help that she's missing Phil the same time she's missing you. She says missing Phil and missing you is intertwined together. That when she misses Phil, she misses you and vice-versa.

Oh Mom, how do I get away from telling you how much you are dearly missed? It's hard when talking with you not to raise the fact that we are miserable without you. That life has become incomplete.

But I know, your time is done and we must accept it - no matter how hard it is to do so.

Well Mom, here is another conversation where I am telling you how hard it is without you by our side. All we have of you are memories... lets hope they won't fade as you have faded.

I love you Mom. R.I.P.

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