Thursday, November 3, 2011

Conversation With Mom 11

Hello my sweetest sorrow,

Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of your death Mom. It's hard to believe that you've been gone for 364 days... tomorrow being the 365th day. I don't know what to say to you Mom... I think I've said often enough how empty and bereft I feel since you've been gone. What else is there to say? The pain still wouldn't lessen, it still feels fresh as if it was just yesterday that I was viewing your covered lifeless self.

Memories would flood me when we visit your grave on Saturday... not the date you died but the date we laid you in the ground. Dad insist that everyone of us wear the same thing we wore when we laid your body to rest.

But the difference is, when we visit your grave, we wouldn't see fresh earth, but instead your now resplendent grave fixture. If we have the opportunity, tomorrow Along and I will make bunga rampai (flower confetti) so we can scatter them over your grave.

I've missed you mom. Today your nephew by marriage, our cousin, Musli came. We had dinner together. What struck me and made me proud is that I can continue your legacy of delicious cooking. He said that at least I had time to learn the tricks of the kitchen from you, so now at least dad wouldn't feel so out of sorts because I still can cook like you used to.

I am so glad I learned to cook from you. It is something of you that I can bring into the future... should I have children of my own someday I can tell them, this is what grandma used to cook for me when I was your age.

Even though I feel sad that my children (if I ever have any) will never know you, as you will never know them, I will still have something of you to share with them.

I will share with my children the joys of cookery as you have shared with me and instill the love of the culinary arts in them as you have in me.

I'm sorry you never got to see any grandchildren mom. I still remember the desperation in your voice as you asked Along and I whether we were married yet or not when you were in the hospital. So sorry we could not give you your fondest wish; to see us both happily married with children of our own.

Maybe one of these days, while you are wherever you are now, you get to see from afar your fondest wish coming through. InsyaAllah (God Willing) Along will be getting married next year. And with blessings from Allah, maybe she will have the children you so wanted her to have.

Mom.... I'm sorry you couldn't be around to see us fulfill your wishes, but know that whatever happens now will happen with you in our hearts always.

I love you Mom.

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