I was sitting by Mom's bedside in the hospital ward while she had been warded for about two weeks, in between being in the ICU, HDW and a normal ward, when Mom whispered to me, "Nyawa Mommy tak panjang dah Adik" (My life is not going to last for very long now dear).
It shattered me thinking that Mom could foretell her demise. Of course back then we didn't know her time was coming to a close so soon, but it weighed heavily in the thinking that Mom knew something I didn’t.
I remember how I broke down crying and calling my sister at home and telling her about what Mom said and asking her, “What if Mom knows sis?” Referring to the fact that Mom might me cognizant of her end.
After hanging up the phone with Along’s pragmatic words that all we can do is fight along with Mom and pray that she gets better, I wrote this following poem for Mom:
Mummy don’t go,
I can’t imagine a world without you in it,
You make the world lighter with your presence,
You lit it up with your smile and laughter,
And I can’t bear to see it all disappear,
You are my shining star,
You brighten even the darkest nights in my life.
Mummy please don’t go,
Not just yet,
Give it time,
I know you are tired,
I know you are in pain,
And it’s selfish of me to want you to cling to a life that is riled with illness,
But I need you still,
I can’t let go,
So don’t you let go either.
As I write this poem, I was crying and it was neither the first nor the last time that I’d be shedding copious tears.
Thinking about that single memory now, I can tell for certain that, that was the defining moment when I begin to let go of Mom, way even before the Doctor asked my sister Along to sign the death in line form (a form which states that the doctor has informed the next of kin of the imminent death of the patient).
And I realise now too, thinking back on the memory of that night, that Mom was saying her goodbye to me. Mom was telling me that it was her time and that it would all be all right.
That single memory, that precious moment in time, is a private moment between Mom and I, that I would never forget – Mom telling me goodbye and me accepting the fact that Mom is soon to return to the arms of the Almighty Allah.