Crying

Mommy i miss you so much. More than i have in a long time. I see a picture of you holding iq and my mind is flooded with memories of you loving , caring and guiding me each step of the way.... I feel you still doing the same though you are on a different plane now.

Where is the joy that i had when you were by my side? Gone

 Why is my heart so troubled and uneasy now? Because you are not there to quiten the raging storm 

When will I ever learn to accept the fact that I don't have your shoulder to cry on anymore? Never

 What am I going to do when pain gets to unbearable and all I can think f is to put myself to sleep?

 For choice was taken from me,
 And I feel trapped in a coffin if my own making,
 I see no way out other than the long endless sleep
 That i will take hopefully for the last time.

 I m sorry i m not worthy enough for this beautiful family Allah has given me
 I m sorry i m not strong enough to resist the hurt that i only imagine.

 I tried living as i thought you and mom would be proud of,
But it seems all i do is turn into blind alleys,
All i walk towards are wastelands created by my mistakes.

 If i die before i wake,
I pray the family not to cry for my sake,

 I m not meant to last
 For my fragile heart is too broken up to heal,

 I pray Allah to forgive my sins,
Though i know euthanasia is just another pretty word for suicide
This time I hope i succeed so i no longer have to see the disapprovals in your demanding eyes.

 To my dearest friend Darlene,
 Thank you for being there always
For believing in me when I had no one who would.

 I m sorry for my wasted life.

 I love everyone in my life and i hope i do you a service by my timely exit

 7.51pm July 27 2013

Conversation with Mom 36

Mommy love,

If you were here I will bring to you all the sorrows weighing heavily on my mind and heart and have you heal my broken and bruised hearts with your many truisms and gentle, soothing, cadence of wisdom pouring out of your soft mouth gently into my hearing line.

You remember Darrel? I told only Melati and You about him.

He was, still is and most probably always will be, the only man in my sheltered and broken heart.

You remember how I cried and moped around the house years after he left me out of the blue a month or two after I turned 19?

Well last May he came back into my life and I was at first overjoyed... up until November when he finally told me who he was and what his life is like now; he is a married man.

He has been happily married to his wife the fantastic Sab and I would not have been aware of his situation had he not decided to rekindle the youthful love we used to share.

Recently I shared with family and friends that I have been in a relationship since last May and just as recently I had to change my status on FB again saying I'm back to being single because I had to be the strong one and break up with him.

There was no way I was going to break up his family especially once I discovered that he already has two lovely kids whom he loves dearly just as dearly as he loves Sab.

He came to my door... well he came to my ward a few days ago while I was warded in the hospital and visited me during the night while I was sleeping.

The picture he took of me in the darkened ward.

I wrote this poem after I send him a Dear John Letter:

Let my heart break in two,
Cry rampant tears for a day or two,
But regret will never come, 
Blame will never be ascribed to anyone.

Painful and tragic though the love turned out to be,
Filled with deceit, lies and runarounds,
It wasn't the most honest affair that ever existed,
But to me it is the best that i will ever have;

You were my knight in shining leather jacket,
The rebel who told me, race, religion, color made no difference,
You loved me for fulfilling the emptiness you have been trying to overcome,
I love you much for the same reason.

When you left without a single partake of goodbye,
I wondered what happened, what was the star that was missing from our relationship,
What forced a gentle, kind, sweet, thoughtful, generous man
To leave me so callously with nary an apology;

14 years of keeping my love for you burning still 
And never giving up this futile hope and dream that you would walk back into my plane and love me as only you can once again,
Only to discover that dreams might come true,
Wishes might materialize,
Only be wary of the prayers that the devil answered;

I know now why you left,
Understanding does not make the betrayal harder to swallow,
Acceptance only point me to the exit,
I cannot abide by the joie de vie attitude you seem to adept,
And let the fact of WHO and WHAT you are
Refrain me from being anything but practical with my fragile heart;

So goodbye, say good riddance,
Star crossed as we had always been,
There will never be a time or situation where you and I will ever make a plausible equation;
Love never left, but it has to end,
Since you are still delusional enough to think we make perfect sense,
I will have to be the heart-breaker responsible of breaking us up for forever.

Love sometimes just is not enough,
And though it will be really rough 
My love is big enough for me to be just that bit of tough
And let you go no matter how i hate doing so.

Oh Mom... I guess I will never have the epic love story that you and dad shared till the day you died and beyond. Dad loves you still and always will... and I will never, by the looks of things, ever have that again!