Hold on Forever

Mommy, six years ago today, you left us for good to be in a better place and I know I should not regret that your pain has ended and that you have moved on to where you will no longer feel pain, but alas Mommy, the hold you have on my heart is so deep that I can't stop feeling sorry for myself that I no longer have you around to continue walking with me through out my life's journey.

I am crying as I write this. Would you believe it didn't register to me that today is the anniversary of that tragic day when you breathed your last breath, until Along showed me her poem about you.

Mommy, I miss you so much. I miss you still. I can't believe it's been six years because the pain is still as fresh as the day you went away.

Mommy I love you so much. The pain is so deep, so sharp and I feel so raw inside. My heart is still in pieces and I don't think it will ever mend. You took my heart away with you. I still need you with me Mom. 

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and miss you like a million times a day. I say a prayer for you every night and wake up every morning wishing I could still greet you good morning.

Mommy, how will I ever get through losing you? It hurts so bad. There's an emptiness in me where you used to be. I feel hollow and incomplete. There is a yearning in my heart for your ever loving presence that I just can't shake off from my psyche.

I love you forever Mommy. But it seems forever is not enough because forever ended when you moved on. I want to love you here, now in the present not as a memory that I can't hold and touch and hug and talk to.

If I could have my fondest wish granted is for Allah to have change our fate and that you did not die that night six years ago. That you survived. That you are still here. That I still can look up and see your face. That I can say, "Mommy I love you," and hear you say it back, "Adik, I love you too."

Al-Fatihah Mommy.

Happy 60th Again

Dearest Mommy,

Every year since you passed away, I write in this blog happy 61st, 62nd, 63rd and so forth on your birthday. And this year you would have turned 66 and I would have wished you happy 66th birthday except as your birthday approaches, I only now realized that you passed away when you were sixty and so you would never age again and it just shows how much I haven't accepted your passing that it took over five years after you've been gone to realize that you can't age anymore and me wishing you a new age year is just not logical. 

So this year, I'm just going to say happy birthday and since your last birthday you were 60 I am going to wish you happy 60th again Mom. You are ageless now, for you no longer walk this plateau.

I love you and miss you always.

Happy 60th Once Again Beloved

Mommy

Conversation With Mom 44

Hello Mommy.

I dreamed of you yesterday. It was one of those dream where you came back from the dead to live as if you had never died. Been a while since I had that kind of dream. Yesterday it was you and I spending precious time together. You were brushing the dandruff out of my hair. And my heart ached feeling the tenderness and love with which you were applying to the task.

When I woke up with the realization that time spent with you could never ever be again, I almost wept.

Even as I write this I feel like crying again.

And then I saw dad post his picture at your grave today and the tears just started to fall. I should have followed dad to the wedding today then I would have been able to visit your grave. But I am having my monthly and I am feeling poorly and didn't feel like making the long trip to Pahang.

But I would have really love to visit you. It's been a while since I last visited you.

I miss you Mommy. So much. There's an emptiness, a gaping hole in my heart where your presence once reside. Memories are not the same Mom. They are not tangible. Not something I can hold physically. These arms ache to hold you once more.

Ya Allah knows how much it hurts not having you around. It should get easier with time, but it still hurts so much. I am crying now and I can't stop thinking of how much I wish you were still around. It doesn't make sense to me you being gone. I know everyone's time will come, but how I wish yours hadn't come so soon.

I love you Mommy.

The two of us once upon a time