Last year I didn't know it was my last raya with Mom. It was like any other raya except that raya mom was in pain. For a change, for the first time ever last year I was in charge of cooking the raya meal. This year is the second time I had to cook the raya meal.
Along, Dad Abang and I at Mom's grave
This year we spend raya at Mom's grave. Dad told mom that Abang finished the 30 days fasting for the first time and that I am really great at cooking now and that Along has become an expert with doing up her hair.
Unlike most times when I visit Mom's grave, I did not break in to tears. I think my tears were already spent the previous couple of days before raya when I got a really bad attack of missing Mom.
A friend of the family told me today that Dad told her that he hated Doctor's especially now because they caused mom to die.
I don't know how I feel about doctors. I think they did the best they could. But there was this one doctor who treated Mom last year who keeps telling us that Mom didn't have a chance of surviving. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if they gave up on Mom long before it was her time to go.
But putting blame or being angry at the situation won't change anything. Whatever we say or do now will never bring Mommy back, although I kept dreaming of Mom coming back from the dead.
Just last night I dreamed that Mom came back to give me advice. She told me to try and stick to whatever I set my mind to do and not to give up halfway.
I miss mom's wisdom. You might not expect that mom has much to say, because Dad is more prominent in that he speaks out more and give directives more often than mom does, but I know some of the best advice about life I had received from Mom. She might seem unassuming and have little to say, but when Mom speaks her mind you know it's worth its weight in gold.
I miss Mom.
This raya, I cannot kneel at her feet and ask her forgiveness in person, but I did knelt at her grave and say a prayer for her and ask her forgiveness at her place of eternal rest.
I miss you and I love you.