Sunday, October 23, 2011

Un-cauterized Pain

It will be one year since Mom passed away on November 4th 2011. One year of feeling out of sorts and incomplete. Being without Mom as long as a year has not lessened the impact of losing her.

It still hurts as if it was just yesterday that I last saw Mom alive. I can still remember vividly the coldness that had seeped into my heart as I watched the nurses take off the life support system from Mom's lifeless body.

I know I've said this before, but I still wonder if this is one wound that time cannot heal or whether not enough time has passed by for the pain to lessen.

I miss Mom so very, very much. Everyday is a struggle to exist on earth with the knowledge that Mom is no longer there to walk beside me as I go through this journey we call life.

I don't know if this pain will always be there in my heart - an open wound that cannot be cauterized.

I know one should let the deceased rest and not bother them with worry of the miseries those left behind are suffering, yet I just can't help but suffer the pain of losing Mom.

Lately I have been posting my conversations with Mom. I haven't really posted anything where I am not speaking directly to Mom; reason being I miss the actual conversations I used to have with her. There just have been so many things that I wanted her to know - made sense to strike conversations with her, instead of eulogizing her all the time.

But today. Today I want to share with the world the pain I've been carrying inside of me for the last 11 months and closing on 12.

I don't know if there'll ever come a time when I think of Mom and this constant ache in my heart won't be there. From what my cousins told me, they got used to talking about their father with just fondness minus the pain. But my uncle has passed away for quite a while. Maybe in years to come, I too will be able to look back and think of Mom simply with happy remembrance and no trace of the pain that is still so very prevalent in my daily thoughts of Mom at this moment in time.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see if time will heal this wound in my heart. Either that or learn to live with a constant ache there.

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