Sunday, September 23, 2012
Conversation With Mom 23
It's been a while since we last had a conversation. It's not because I didn't want to talk with you it's just that I couldn't write what I had to say without it sending me into another tailspin of tears.
Mom, you know that despite how much I would have liked to remain frozen in time back to when you were still breathing that this can't happen - that time has to move on and me along with it.
Not much has changed in our life since you were around other than that now you are gone and we have to do without your loving presence.
Your duties before... all the housework that you used to do, that has largely been transferred to me. It is my responsibility now to see that dinner is on the table, clothes are washed and folded... stuff that you used to do is now up to me to see to.
Along remains as she is. The everlasting chauffeur and everybody's care taker.
Dad is still, sad to say on my useless unemployed self, the main breadwinner of the family despite him having suffered a mild stroke and stomach ulcer.
And Abang. He knows now Mom. The thing that you were so worried how he'd react to it if he ever found out and largely he is taking it well and his major problem that you used to worry about too is also taken care off now. I supposed you probably already knew, but I wanted to tell you anyway.
And Grey. She has now taken the spot near Along's feet now that she can no longer sleep by yours. Remember that Mom? How you used to scold her for bothering you when you were sleeping?
Then there's Aunty Jen. What can I say? She is still tenaciously holding on to her relationship with Dad. She keep saying that she could leave him any time but funny thing is she keeps coming back. You know how it is. It is neither here nor there... but it's just exasperating some times when she brings on the drama and put on a show and act as if she has enough but truth is she could never let Dad go and this is something we all know don't we Mom?
But enough about her.
I am seriously in need of a job. You know I had one a month after your passing but I went and quit that one. And ever since I left and have nothing to do I have not been able to find a new job. Maybe you could work some divine intervention with the Big One and hope your blessings and Allah's mercy will let me land a good reliable job that I won't be wanting to quit within 3 months!
It's like I'm really desperate to find a job now Mom... and while at it could you also work your ethereal magic on my love life? Hahaha... you remember Mom how desperate you were to want Along and I to be married when you were in the hospital? You kept asking the both of us, "Are you married yet?" As if we'd marry without you knowing about it.
Those days in the hospital... still brings tears to my eyes thinking how sick you were and how much pain you were in and how hungry you must have felt when all you were given were milk through the tube... Mom... I know those days in the hospital;s were hard - for you and for me emotionally watching you slip away... but I would give anything to have those days back.
I know... this kind of talk is not conducive to anything but more pain... but I miss you... and I love you, oh so much!
I will talk with you again soon Mom. For now it is just too much on my heart having this 'pretend' conversation with you while thinking of all those 'real' conversations we used to share. Heartbreak.