Daddy just came back from Bengkulu yesterday. He was exhausted when he arrived home. He straight away went to bed. His sleep however was a restless one because his body was in pain.
He kept asking to be massaged while talking in his sleep. At one point during the night he cried out,"Mi (short for Mommy) tangan sakit (my arm hurts)".
I didn't realized he was calling out your name, but Along pointed out that that what was what he did.
This morning I told him what he uttered while he was sleeping last night and he said, "I miss Mommy terribly."
And then I mentioned that soon (April 6) your birthday is coming and he said we should visit you at your eternal resting place.
And I shared with him my thoughts on the trip; on how when we go we should bring along cleaning essentials so we can spruce up your grave. I said it is the rainy season and for sure your grave would be muddy and dirty and we need to be prepared to clean it when we do go and visit you. Especially since it has been quite a long while since we last visited you and your headstone and the surrounding base would be grimy.
I'm sorry we haven't been visiting you more frequently Mom. But such is life that you don't always get to do what your heart longs to do. And I always long to be by your side.
I know its just the site where your body lays and that now that you are gone even miles away from your resting place you are still near me, being near that physical evidence of where you last lay brings a different kind of solace than saying a prayer for you every night, thinking of you each single day and writing to you here in this blog of mine.
I miss you Mommy. Thinking of you always makes me sad. As it is now tears are falling.
I miss you so much Mommy. I miss your smile, your gentle voice, your soft hands, your warm hugs, your tender touch.
I miss having you walk with me alongside me as I journey through my life. I miss having you by my side. I miss you.
There's a missing piece in my life now. Life is incomplete. Where you once stood is just an echo of a memory that try as I hard to keep it fresh tends to fade at the edges. I haven't forgotten what you look like, or how you were but in my mind the images takes on a soft blur. It's still visible but it taunts me with the fear that one day the blurry lines would just fade away into nothingness and you would just be gone permanently.
Which is why these words I keep writing to you are so important, less you fade away into nothingness.
I love you Mommy.