Conversation With Mom 35

Hello Mommy,

I had been thinking about the desperate words you said repeatedly while you were bedridden in Hospital Serdang for the longest time.

The first time you ever asked that question you were barely lucid but we understood what you were saying nonetheless. It was easy enough to understand where you were coming from considering how well we know and love you.

You asked Along (my big sis) if she was married already.

And Along replied gently as not to disappoint you so much for we all know how long you've been after her to settle down, get married and build a family of her own so you will get a chance to spoil your grand-kids as you had spoiled the three (Along, Me and our little boy who is now all grown up - Abang) that she would not get married without at least telling you about it even if you could not be physically present for her big day.

Every now and again during the 46 days you were bedridden in the hospital you kept asking the same question to Along.

Sometimes you would ask me too although not as frequently as you insistently asked Along.

And Along's heart break a little each time you asked having to face what we knew was coming - your demise, for she knows that even though during that time she was already in a relationship with Phil and you had the chance to meet him once when he visited us for two weeks in our home, she was no where near at the point where they were both able to make that big decision together.

Alongs focus during those heartbreaking days, same as the rest of the family, was to look after you the best way we could and pray that you would make a miraculous recovery.

Alas, such was not the case, and at 11.46 p.m. on a cold November night you passed away as silently and quietly as you had lived your entire life; never in any situation and condition in life had you ever been a disruption in the lives of those who loved and knew you best and everyone else who knew.

Well Mom, the reason I am having this conversation with you today because I have glad tidings to bring you.

If nothing untoward happens, such as Phil having to use the money he is saving for his trip here in July for something urgent and unavoidable, Phil will visit the family, in specific, Along to make arrangements to convert to our religion, Islam, get himself circumcised and do all the necessary paperwork in order for them to be able to get married the next time Phil have another two weeks off from his work.

Finally, the moment you waited in vain your entire life is dawning happily on us.

I hope your spirit will find peace in the knowledge that one of your most fervent wish is about to come true.

Conversation With Mom 34

Hello Mommy,

It is one of those bad days. Days when I am swamped with thoughts of you. Missing you is really bad today... It was the dream I had about you that triggered this monumental pain.

I dreamed we were preparing a meal together like we always did when you were alive. You looked so happy and vibrant.

When I woke up, my cheeks were wet. I must have cried in my sleep.

I miss you Mommy. When does it get easier?

The ache inside... it hurts so bad. It is almost a physical pain.

Mommy... why is it so hard to let go of you?

There'll be scores of years yet if my life is long before I will be reunited with you.. what am I to do until then?

Miss you forever...

Conversation With Mom 33

Happy Mother's Day Mommy!

Hello Mommy. Tomorrow will be the third mother's day that I don't get to shower you with gifts. All I can do is talk with you here and wish you the best Mother's Day ever where you are now and send you my love with a recital of Al-Fatihah.

My Gift For You

You loved red roses and I am including in this post a picture of a bouquet of red roses that I wish I could really give you. Maybe I could bring some when we visit your grave next Saturday. Dad wants to visit your place of rest. He says he misses you a lot.

It will be just Dad, Aunty Jen and I. Along and Abang is not following. Along has work to finish and Abang doesn't like the long journey. It tires him out.

Have you seen Grey? Before I had the vet put her to sleep I told her that you will look after her now that she has joined you. At least you won't be so lonely now. 

This Monday is my 34th. It is going to be hard not to have you there again and even extra hard now that Grey to has joined you.

I miss sharing my birthday cake with you Mom. 

But I am digressing. 

I wanted to have this conversation to celebrate your special day. You ARE the best Mom a child could have. The love that you showered on us... we still feel the warmth although it is nearing three years since you have moved on.

I feel sad as Mother's day approaches and everyone is planning their celebration for their Moms and I am heartbroken that I can't join their happy rank and share this special day with you.

All I have are these words and sometimes I feel they are not adequate. I wish I could hug you and kiss your cheek and give you present and see the surprised smile on your face as you unwrap it...

I miss you Mom. All the time. I love you and always will; happy mother's day, thank you for loving us with all you had.

Al-Fatihah.

Conversation with Mom 32

Hello again Mommy. Just wanted to tell you that two nights ago before Abang went to sleep, he said he misses you and cried his heart out.

It has been a long time since Abang showed his pain of losing you... so much so that I sometimes wonder if you still run through his mind; I have my answer now, like the rest of the family he still sorely misses you.

It broke my heart that I couldn't do anything to ease his pain, I just held him and reminded him that you loved him so much.

 He fell asleep with tears still falling.

It happens to me too sometime. And sometime I even cry in my sleep.

It doesn't seem to get easier with time Mom; it hurts just as badly as it did when we first learned that you were gone.

Truth is, every time I have these talks with you I am always rendered near to tears, and sometimes the tears couldn't be kept at bay and I have actually cried a few times while writing this to you.

I know the pain hurts, but I am glad I still feel it because it means you are still fresh in my mind.

I love you and miss you always. Al-Fatihah.

Mom's 63rd Birthday

Happy 63rd Birthday

Tomorrow, April 6 2013, would have been Mom's 63rd birthday had she lived beyond age 60.

While Mom was alive, before Along met Phil, Mom's Birthday is the first one we celebrate every year. The year, to me at least, doesn't really start to swing until Mom's birthday rolled in.

It's hard now not having Mom around to mark her special day.

Like me Mom loved birthdays. But unlike me, Mom love it not for the present, but rather for the cake that we would never fail to get her.

Mom loved cakes. Her favorite was tiramisu. 

While we don't celebrate her special day in real time now, I mean, buying cakes and presents for her, we still honor the day in our memory.

This year I am honoring her special day a day earlier, just because I can't wait for midnight before I express how much she is missed and how much I would have loved it if she was still around to enjoy the cake we would have gotten her if she was still alive to enjoy it.

As it is, I can only recite for her Al-Fatihah and hope she is comfortable where she is now.

Happy Birthday Mommy. I love you and miss you always.

My recurring dream of Mom

Ever since Mom passed away, I have often dreamed of her. Most of the time the theme of the dream is similar.

Mom had passed away but she came back to life and lived as she had always lived before. In most of the dreams, she was unaware that she had died. She lived as if she had never moved on.

In all of the dreams, we were always at a loss to explain how Mom who had died was now alive once more.

And at the end of these dreams, Mom would die once again and we once again had to mourn her passing. The best thing about the dream was having Mom alive once more and being the pillar of strength and the cornerstone that she had always been for the entire family.

Of course added to that dream is the horrific fact that she came back from the dead.

Somehow though, she came back fully form and healthy. Just as I remembered her before she got ill and ultimately passed away.

In all my dreams, she never came back looking zombie like or grotesque.

I don't really like to psychoanalyze myself, but it is obvious to me that I have issues with letting go of Mom and wishes she still walks the earth with us.

Such is the way of life that Mom is really gone and I will just have to get used to the idea that only my own death would mean that I would see Mom once again.

And as I have no plans of dying anytime soon, I guess my reunion with Mom will just have to wait.

I love you and miss you Mommy. Al-Faitihah

Conversation With Mom 31

Hello Mommy,

It is dusk as I am writing this. I still remember what you said about dusk. How we are not to play outside during that time or fall asleep...

I don't know why I said that. It just came to my mind, I can hear you saying those words to me.

But that wasn't why I wanted to talk to you today. I just simply miss you and wanted to spend some times talking with you.

Yesterday I went to MidValley to go to the jobfair. After I was done there I went to have lunch. I had grilled cheese and pancakes. I uploaded the pictures of what I was having on facebook and Kak Ita commented on how I had always loved pancakes since I was a little girl and how she remembers you making pancakes for us when she was living with us all those years ago. She says she misses you too.

I am so happy to know that you touched so many lives when you were alive and how everyone who knew you only have wonderful things to say about the person you were.

Of course the thing people remember most about you is your cooking abilities. There's not one person who knew you who didn't say they miss one type of food or other that you used to cook.

Most of the time what people miss most is your gulai lemak daging.

You certainly make the best gulai ever.

I miss you Mom. And I love you. Always.