It's an hour before dawn and I've been up all night. Was up reading until 3.40 then came down and mess around with the computer.
I have been meaning to write a post here for days but just didn't know what to write.
Right now though, I feel like having a conversation with you, so here we are.
I wonder how you are doing. Are you all right wherever you are now? Are you cognizant to the fact that you are no longer alive or are you in some sort of limbo? Despite being taught religion since I was in primary school up to all the way until I finished secondary school, I don't actually know what happened to those who have moved on.
I know there's an afterlife. But that comes once the end of days comes and judgement time arrives for who is naughty or nice and who'd end up in heaven or hell. But in the mean time, what happens when you die? Where do your soul go to? What happens to the dead? What happened to you Mom?
I wish I know for sure that you are all right. That if you are stuck in your grave and being questioned by the two angels, that your grave is roomy and comfy and that you don't suffer the punishment found inside that 6 feet hole and that you could answer all the questions Mungkar and Nangkir would pose for you.
I don't know what got me in this train of thought, but the other day I had a dream about you. And in it I just realised you had moved on and I was crying in the dream. I don't know if I was crying outside in my sleep though.
I just had this worrisome thought that you aren't doing well in the after life because I am here crying for you. They say the tears and cries of the living weighs heavily on the spirit of those who have moved on.
Do I pain you with my sorrow mom? Do my missing you causes you grief in the hereafter?
I can't help being sad all the time Mom. I think of all the things that we had done together while you were still alive and I can't help but yearn to have all those experiences back in my life.
I miss you. I say this practically every time I have a conversation with you, but it remains as true as the first time I said it. It never changes. I miss you all the time.
I see how sad everyone in the family is since you've been gone.
Nothing has been the same since you return to the Almighty.
Dad is more sensitive now. He gets touchy at the slightest provocation. Sometimes silly thing like responding to his calls a little bit later and he feels like he's all alone and that no one cares for him.
And then there's Abang. He keeps saying how he only had 15 measly years with you where as Along and I had you for more than 3 decades.
And Along of course. She cries for you all the time. It gets worse during that time of the month when her PMS is acting up. The slightest thing will set her off. And late at night when she is in pain she cries out for you in remembrance of all those times in the past when you would be about the only one who would get up and soothe her aching body with your gentle massages.
Your little girl who is now so lost without you even though she's an adult of 32 years of age.
I need you still mom. If only for the companionship that you gave me. The easy camaraderie we shared. The secrets and dreams I would share with you and only you. The doubts, insecurities and worries that seems to wash away after a good heart-to-heart with you.
It's hard mom.
It's almost a year since you left us and it's still hard - going on with life without you.
It is like a constant knife in my heart. Embedded so deep that the wound just keeps on festering.
I miss you Mom. But for tonight, this is all I manage to say to you. Till next time. Take care and R.I.P