Conversation With Mom 20

Mommy dearest,

It's been a while. My birthday and dad's birthday have both passed. Celebrations such as this nowadays lackluster and feel incomplete without you. Although I always feel the loss of you on a daily basis, on special occasions such as this the dearth of your presence is felt a hundredfold more.

Mom, I would like to say that a year and a half after you've gone that we've moved on. That we have adjusted and are doing well enough without you. But such was the impact you had on our lives that even after all these time have passed, we still find it impossible to pretend that we are just fine without you.

Dad especially have been really morose lately thinking about you. He feels lost without you to anchor him. You were the reason why he had to stay strong. You were the reason he fought so hard to live a righteous life. And now you are gone and it's like he doesn't know what's left for him to do. He does not seem to see any purpose behind his existence now.

I don't know how to rectify dad's dwindling spirit.

I know I'm telling you about how dad is coping without you, but that does not mean that abang, along and I aren't as badly affected.

I was cleaning the yam today and I recall how it was a task that you had always undertaken and I felt a sharp pain in my chest as I internalize the fact that it is a task that I have to take over. That never again will I see you striping the outer yam skin to clean the yam.

Mom, I miss you so much. At this moment as I write this, tears are threatening to fall. Today is a bad day. Where missing you is concerned that is. There are days when missing you gets too much that I just have to give in to my misery and cry for losing you,

Mom, is there no magic dust that you can sprinkle over me while you watch over my sleeping self that would    take away this debilitating pain I feel at the thought of you?

Life is so empty without you. This house feels so empty without you.

I miss your gentle smile, your soft-spoken demeanor, your sleeping form in the corner of the bedroom, your pleading voice as you asked me to pull your gray hair...

What I would give to deny you yet again your request of pulling your gray hair, only to hear you asking me again and again to please pull your hair.

I miss you Mom.

I wonder how you are faring now. What your soul is subjected too. If you are still watching us from wherever you have gone to.

I'm sorry if I didn't look after you well enough while you were ill Mom. I don't know what I could have done that would have made a difference. I watched you suffer for 46 days and although it saddens me that you are no longer here, I was glad that your suffering saw an end.

Mom... if I could just hug you one more time and tell you how much I love you and how much you made a difference in my life, how you helped shaped me to be the woman I am today and if I could only see your smile one more time.... Mom, there's not a day that passes by that I don't wish you are still around.

There are even days when I would look up expecting to see you looking back and me only to realize that what I was feeling was just a glimpse from my memory.

I love you. I miss you. Always.

Al-Fatihah.

Conversation With Mom 19

Hello Mommy,

I just felt like talking with you. Don't really have anything specific to talk about... not really anyway.

There is something on my mind. Along and Dad has given me a lot to worry about these past few weeks.

Along... well I can't get into details about her. Lets just say that she is severely depressed and sees her life as being hopeless. I don't know how to help her other than be there for her when she needs a shoulder to cry on.

And Dad... he has been really ill these past few days. His spirit is low and he is hardly eating. I am worried about him. I pray that it is just a phase he is going through and that he will recover soon. I don't think I can bear it if I lose Dad so soon after I lost you. Maybe I am being a bit dramatic, but it does feel like Dad is slipping away. I don't know Mom. I hope to heaven I am wrong and Dad is just severely under the weather and that he will be all right soon.

Not much to say that is really new. I still miss you, still dream of you every now and again and still aches inside with losing you. Wonder how much time will pass before I don't feel like my heart is shattering every time I think of you.

Mom, you were the best part of me and I wonder how will I ever be whole again now that you've left a void inside of me.

I love you and I miss you. Rest well Mom. Al Fatihah.

Conversation With Mom 18

Dearest Mommy,

Your birthday came and went and I didn't even mention anything to you. Your 62nd birthday was on April 6, 2012. It's not that I didn't want to wish you a happy birthday, it is just that I was just too wrapped up in pain to broach the subject with you.

It was the 2nd birthday you weren't around for. I miss getting you cakes and surprising you with one sort of knick-knacks or the other.

This year, a week before your birthday the family went to your grave and cleaned up your resting place and Dad planted the orchid that he got for you on the last birthday you were around. It had bloomed for the first time and Dad thought it fitting that you should celebrate your birthday with your birthday orchid.

I couldn't get you a cake anymore, but I went online and found you a pretty picture of a birthday cake and were you here that is the kind of cake that I'd want to get for you.

                                                      Happy Belated Birthday Mommy!

Don't you think the cake looks pretty Mommy? I know you would have loved it if you were here and that cake was for real.

I love you Mom and I miss you. Always.

Hope that where ever you are, you are safe and happy.

R.I.P. Mom.

Old Photographs

Dad was taking pictures of the old photographs we had and some of them were pictures taken with Mom. I felt kinda weepy looking at those pictures again as memories of those events in the pictures came sweeping by.

There were pictures when Along and I were small, pictures when I was a teenager and Abang was a toddler. It all bring back memories.

To cap it all, yesterday I just dreamed about Mom. I dreamed that she was still alive now and we were sending Abang off on a trip to Hong Kong Disneyland all by himself. Mom looked so proud of her little boy who is now a young man.

Gosh I miss Mom so much.

Looking at these pictures, they just impacted the loss tenfold. Looking at Mom as she was.

                                                                    Mom and I a long time ago

Mom, Abang and Along

Feel really sad now, thinking of the wonderful, loving woman I knew as Mom and how she is no longer on this plane to share this journey I am still going through now.

Look at how happy we once were.

And now, all we have are memories.

Now all we have to remember her by are our memories and her grave site where we only ever visit once in a while. 

Miss you Mom. RIP.

Conversation With Mom 17

Mommy love,

It's been quite a while since our last conversation. It's not because I have been thinking about you any less that I was before, it's just that I haven't had anything new to say to you.

I still don't really have anything new to say but I felt as if I have been silent too long.

Yesterday I dreamed about you. I was crying in my sleep calling out your name. In my dream I recited Al-Fatihah in your memory and I was mourning you something terrible. I don't know why I had that dream of you.
While I was crying in my sleep, Along was crying for you while she waited for sleep to overcome her pain of missing you.

I didn't want to mention it because it hasn't arrived yet, but I can't help myself. Your birthday is coming. April 6. You would have been 62 if you were still around. This is your second birthday you wouldn't be around for. On the first birthday, the rose that dad bought for you for your last birthday on earth bloomed. It seems the rose will bloom on special occasion. Like on your 40th day, 100th day, on your wedding anniversary and on your birthday. We will see if it will bloom again on your birthday this year.

Mom, Dad too have been missing you something terrible. He was brought to tears a few times recently as he remembers you.

And abang. You know how much it hurts him to have lost you at fifteen. There are moments when he will go all quiet and sad and I just know that he was thinking of you. Sometimes he even said that he misses you so much.

Mom, it seems time hasn't lapsed too much because it still haven't done its job of dulling the ache in our hearts regarding you. The wound is still very much raw and unhealed.

I don't know how long it will take before we can go on with our lives and feel just the warmth of your memories, without the pain of losing you leeching our hearts dry.

I hope you are at peace mom and that our earthly sorrows are not giving you unrest in the afterlife. I hope that where ever you are now that you are finally at rest.

I love you and I miss you. Alway. R.I.P. Mom.

Conversation With Mom 16

Mommy love,

You would be so proud of daddy's achievement if you were still here. I just wanted to share with you the highlight of our lives these past few days.

Dad's first ever book has finally seen print and the books were sent to our house. Dad entitled the book 'Simfoni Sepi'.

                                            Dad besides the delivered boxes of his books.

Mom, the book is spectacular. What I love most about the book is the poems that dad wrote for you and the dedication that was made out for you. The dedication reads, "Siti Rahey binti Tok Muda Haji Salehuddin. Mummy, isteriku tercinta, ibu kepada anak-anakku Yasleh Khaliff Amri, Yasleh Hani Wati, Yasleh Rita Ayu" (Siti Rahey binti Tok Muda Haji Salehuddin.Mummy, my beloved wife, mother to my children Yasleh Khaliff Amri, Yasleh Hani Wati, Yasleh Rita Ayu)

You are still very much part of our lives Mom. No one can deny how huge an impact you have wrought into our lives. Especially to daddy. Everyone can see how important you were in dad's life.

In the introduction to the book Uncle Johan (Johan Jaaffar) wrote about how daddy was shaped to be the man he is by having you in his life and how important you were in creating the man he is today.

Mom, I am going to share with you the poem dad wrote (which is included in the book) on the 101 day of your passing.


Seratus Satu Hari Sudah Mummy Pergi Meninggalkan Kami


Mummy sayang.
Seratus satu hari sudah
Mummy pergi meninggalkan kami.
Daddy, Abang, Adik, Phil dan Mama Jen
datang hari ini
menziarahi pusara Mummy
menjulang pasrah menatang sayu
memujuk rindu tanpa sendu
walaupun tak terleraikan jua
sembilu pilu yang menghiris qalbu.


Anak-anak kita membersihkan pusara Mummny
dari dakapan daun-daun kering.
Daddy tanamkan sepohon puding
dari keratan benih yang kami ambil
di pusara Abah.


Aduhai Mummy tersayang.
Betapalah ya,
begitu kami melafazkan salam pamitan
bayu pula menggugurkan lagi daun-daun kering
satu, satu, menutup pusaramu
bagaikan dulu
di suatu ketika
dalam suatu detik waktu
bayu meniup rambut menutup wajahmu
di sempadan hari
dan belibis senja resah mencari
pasangannya yang hilang
dalam timbunan daun-daun kering
yang berguguran satu, satu, satu, satu, satu.


Lalu dengan darah dari jari manisku yang luka
ku tuliskan sebuah sajak untukmu Siti Rahey ku tercinta.
Di manakah agaknya
sajak itu kini Mummy sayang?
Aduhai.


1038, 12 Feb, 2011
Tanah Perkuburan Pengkalan Balai,
Chenor, Maran, Pahang.

(* Taken from 'Simfoni Sepi' by yassinsalleh page 29-30 with permission from the author.)

Mom, that is one among many of the poems dad wrote for you. Some while you were in the hospital and some after you passed away.

I hope you are proud looking down on dad from wherever you are.

We love you and miss you always.

R.I.P. Mom.

Conversation With Mom 15

Hello Mommy,

It's been a while since I last talked to you. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I feel as if I am saying the same thing over and over again and I was afraid of sounding trite.

But tonight, I feel like talking with you. You know I always miss you Mom. All of us do all the time.

Dad and Abang is particularly miserable. And dad in specific have not been the same since you've been gone. He is more irritable now and he seems lost without you. He is drowning in his sorrow and I don't know what we can do to help pull him out of his bereavement.

I know you were his soul-mate and you bring balance to his life. You stabilized him. As much as he was your rock when you were alive, you were the pillar of his existence. Now that you are gone his very essence is threatened for you defined the man that he used to be. Without you he have to rebuild his entire make-up and I don't think dad is doing well in rebuilding a life post you.

Mom, how do I help dad regain his sense of self? His life for so long now has been centred around you, but now you are no longer here and it's like he has lost his direction and purpose in life.

How can I help dad when I have no clue of where to begin?

I know dad will read this and he will brush my lamentations aside. He won't deign to dignify my concerns with an admission of how bereft he is without you. Dad is still dad despite the changes your passing has impose on him. And he is always the strong one and heaven forbids if we should see him crumble.

Mom, the family has not been the same since you left.

There are much resentment and tension in the house. Abang is always saying how the family is not like it used to be when you were still around. Grief is tearing us apart and yet no one is adressing the issue. We are all each suffering in silent and not talking about how your passing has affected the unity of this small family unit.

We are just going on with life and everyday I feel the family growing further and further apart. It's like your passing has left a chasm in between the four of us left and we just can't seem to close the gap to reach each other.

Every one is in their own private hell and there is no solidarity.

I don't know how to heal this wound you left behind Mom. How do I gain back the unified family we once had?

Who would have thought that having you out of the equation would leave everyone in the negative?

Mom, show me the way to repair our shredded heart and to heal the family's broken bonds.

I have not known a truly happy moment in the family ever since you departed.

Help me Mom. Guide me from where ever you are. If this hurt isn't healed, we will never gain that cohesive unity once more.

Sorry if I burden you with our earthly problems, but as when you were alive, you were the only one I could really share my troubles with. I'll leave you for now mom. Hopefully when next we talk, I would have a happier demeanour.

Love always,
Adik.