Lost Mom

Dear Mom,

I've been really silent from you cause I just don't want you worrying over me where you are... but I am seriously troubled and there is no one to talk to.

Remember my heartbreak when DRT left me?

He is back in the scene and I don't know how to get it through the family's head that he is real and he is INTERNATIONAL. I think the whole world is aware but the family is so used to thinking of Nick

as my delusions that they just can't believe he and I are real and that BSB (That's my fave band and friends mom BackstreetBoys) actually call me the 6th BSB and I inspire them to write most of the songs that they have written.

This is especially true for Nick's two solo album. All the songs are written for me. In his dedication in Taking Off, Boosa is me. I know this cause he told me...

He finally admitted that he and his GF now supposed fiancee is only pretending to get me to realize I should forget my teenage crush on Taj who it seems fell in love with my letters which I wrote him daily everyday from the time I was 15 till I was 17 and a half.

So No WORL. Nick is not engaged to Lauren Kitt. He wants to marry me.

So you think. Is it My delusions?

Mom?

You know the truth. I will never lie to you.

It is fantastical but never a fantasy. He loves me for all the right reason and it has been 16 years since we fell in love... 

Please ask Allah to bless us. He is already a muslim and his name is Muhammad Adam Abdullah and he already has a PR status in Malaysia. The world just doesn't know this. So I am telling it to the world cause I just can't stand being away from Nick anymore.

I love him Mommy and I am tired of running away and hurting the family everytime I want to spend time with him. I had no choice. The family never believed me when I tell them the truth. It hurts. Last i saw him was August 17th. 

He says he'll see me on the 27th this month and I hope the family will believe him cause I really would like for them to meet Nick/Adam and i hope they will understand the loneliness they put me through cause they never believed Nick and I was real.

If they can only dream as I DARED to and reached the STARS though I am so far away.

Thank you Mommy

I know it was your prayers and faith that have been keeping my DREAMS alive and becoming REALITY.

Love you always Mom.

Wish you could have been here.

Love

Adik

Forgive me

Sorry mom... But life finally won over me.

Crying

Mommy i miss you so much. More than i have in a long time. I see a picture of you holding iq and my mind is flooded with memories of you loving , caring and guiding me each step of the way.... I feel you still doing the same though you are on a different plane now.

Where is the joy that i had when you were by my side? Gone

 Why is my heart so troubled and uneasy now? Because you are not there to quiten the raging storm 

When will I ever learn to accept the fact that I don't have your shoulder to cry on anymore? Never

 What am I going to do when pain gets to unbearable and all I can think f is to put myself to sleep?

 For choice was taken from me,
 And I feel trapped in a coffin if my own making,
 I see no way out other than the long endless sleep
 That i will take hopefully for the last time.

 I m sorry i m not worthy enough for this beautiful family Allah has given me
 I m sorry i m not strong enough to resist the hurt that i only imagine.

 I tried living as i thought you and mom would be proud of,
But it seems all i do is turn into blind alleys,
All i walk towards are wastelands created by my mistakes.

 If i die before i wake,
I pray the family not to cry for my sake,

 I m not meant to last
 For my fragile heart is too broken up to heal,

 I pray Allah to forgive my sins,
Though i know euthanasia is just another pretty word for suicide
This time I hope i succeed so i no longer have to see the disapprovals in your demanding eyes.

 To my dearest friend Darlene,
 Thank you for being there always
For believing in me when I had no one who would.

 I m sorry for my wasted life.

 I love everyone in my life and i hope i do you a service by my timely exit

 7.51pm July 27 2013

Conversation with Mom 36

Mommy love,

If you were here I will bring to you all the sorrows weighing heavily on my mind and heart and have you heal my broken and bruised hearts with your many truisms and gentle, soothing, cadence of wisdom pouring out of your soft mouth gently into my hearing line.

You remember Darrel? I told only Melati and You about him.

He was, still is and most probably always will be, the only man in my sheltered and broken heart.

You remember how I cried and moped around the house years after he left me out of the blue a month or two after I turned 19?

Well last May he came back into my life and I was at first overjoyed... up until November when he finally told me who he was and what his life is like now; he is a married man.

He has been happily married to his wife the fantastic Sab and I would not have been aware of his situation had he not decided to rekindle the youthful love we used to share.

Recently I shared with family and friends that I have been in a relationship since last May and just as recently I had to change my status on FB again saying I'm back to being single because I had to be the strong one and break up with him.

There was no way I was going to break up his family especially once I discovered that he already has two lovely kids whom he loves dearly just as dearly as he loves Sab.

He came to my door... well he came to my ward a few days ago while I was warded in the hospital and visited me during the night while I was sleeping.

The picture he took of me in the darkened ward.

I wrote this poem after I send him a Dear John Letter:

Let my heart break in two,
Cry rampant tears for a day or two,
But regret will never come, 
Blame will never be ascribed to anyone.

Painful and tragic though the love turned out to be,
Filled with deceit, lies and runarounds,
It wasn't the most honest affair that ever existed,
But to me it is the best that i will ever have;

You were my knight in shining leather jacket,
The rebel who told me, race, religion, color made no difference,
You loved me for fulfilling the emptiness you have been trying to overcome,
I love you much for the same reason.

When you left without a single partake of goodbye,
I wondered what happened, what was the star that was missing from our relationship,
What forced a gentle, kind, sweet, thoughtful, generous man
To leave me so callously with nary an apology;

14 years of keeping my love for you burning still 
And never giving up this futile hope and dream that you would walk back into my plane and love me as only you can once again,
Only to discover that dreams might come true,
Wishes might materialize,
Only be wary of the prayers that the devil answered;

I know now why you left,
Understanding does not make the betrayal harder to swallow,
Acceptance only point me to the exit,
I cannot abide by the joie de vie attitude you seem to adept,
And let the fact of WHO and WHAT you are
Refrain me from being anything but practical with my fragile heart;

So goodbye, say good riddance,
Star crossed as we had always been,
There will never be a time or situation where you and I will ever make a plausible equation;
Love never left, but it has to end,
Since you are still delusional enough to think we make perfect sense,
I will have to be the heart-breaker responsible of breaking us up for forever.

Love sometimes just is not enough,
And though it will be really rough 
My love is big enough for me to be just that bit of tough
And let you go no matter how i hate doing so.

Oh Mom... I guess I will never have the epic love story that you and dad shared till the day you died and beyond. Dad loves you still and always will... and I will never, by the looks of things, ever have that again!

Dreaming of Mom

It has been a while since i dreamed of Mom coming back to live after she was buried for 3 days.

I have this dream in variations every now and again.

The one constant thing about the dream is Mom does not realize she had died at all. She lived as she had before her hospital say - happy and loving.

This morning I dreamed Mom came back to live looking happy and at ease as if nothing had ever been amissed. In the dream it was just Mom and I sitting down on the couch in the living room while I broke the bad new to Mom.
"Mom, you died 3 days ago and we buried you already," I said gently as I held Mom's warm living hands.

"What are you talking about Adik? How could I have died? i have been here all along or haven't you enjoyed my cooking these past few days?"

So the conversations went.

Until i gave up trying to convince Mom that she was either a zombie or a ghost.

I just hugged her real tight and told her how much i loved her and how I never want to let her go and how glad I was that she was there by my side.

Mom, with her usual practicallity asked me, "So what do you want for dinner tonight?"

Oh Mom! How I wish I could hear you ask me for plans about dinner again.

But alas, this had only been a dream.

No where, why, how or when will Mom ever walk back into my life as if she had never been away at all.

Plus it would be super creepy if Mom actually does walk back from her grave to our house after 3 years being buried under the earth! imagine the condition Mom would be in now if she was to walk out of her burial ground and walk back to our house!

But bad humour aside, I guess I still have issues about letting go of Mom or otherwise I would not be having these dreams so often!

Anyway, just wanna say, I miss you MOMMY! R.I.P.

Al-Fatihah.

Amin, Ya Rabbal Alamin.

Conversation With Mom 35

Hello Mommy,

I had been thinking about the desperate words you said repeatedly while you were bedridden in Hospital Serdang for the longest time.

The first time you ever asked that question you were barely lucid but we understood what you were saying nonetheless. It was easy enough to understand where you were coming from considering how well we know and love you.

You asked Along (my big sis) if she was married already.

And Along replied gently as not to disappoint you so much for we all know how long you've been after her to settle down, get married and build a family of her own so you will get a chance to spoil your grand-kids as you had spoiled the three (Along, Me and our little boy who is now all grown up - Abang) that she would not get married without at least telling you about it even if you could not be physically present for her big day.

Every now and again during the 46 days you were bedridden in the hospital you kept asking the same question to Along.

Sometimes you would ask me too although not as frequently as you insistently asked Along.

And Along's heart break a little each time you asked having to face what we knew was coming - your demise, for she knows that even though during that time she was already in a relationship with Phil and you had the chance to meet him once when he visited us for two weeks in our home, she was no where near at the point where they were both able to make that big decision together.

Alongs focus during those heartbreaking days, same as the rest of the family, was to look after you the best way we could and pray that you would make a miraculous recovery.

Alas, such was not the case, and at 11.46 p.m. on a cold November night you passed away as silently and quietly as you had lived your entire life; never in any situation and condition in life had you ever been a disruption in the lives of those who loved and knew you best and everyone else who knew.

Well Mom, the reason I am having this conversation with you today because I have glad tidings to bring you.

If nothing untoward happens, such as Phil having to use the money he is saving for his trip here in July for something urgent and unavoidable, Phil will visit the family, in specific, Along to make arrangements to convert to our religion, Islam, get himself circumcised and do all the necessary paperwork in order for them to be able to get married the next time Phil have another two weeks off from his work.

Finally, the moment you waited in vain your entire life is dawning happily on us.

I hope your spirit will find peace in the knowledge that one of your most fervent wish is about to come true.