Conversation With Mom 31

Hello Mommy,

It is dusk as I am writing this. I still remember what you said about dusk. How we are not to play outside during that time or fall asleep...

I don't know why I said that. It just came to my mind, I can hear you saying those words to me.

But that wasn't why I wanted to talk to you today. I just simply miss you and wanted to spend some times talking with you.

Yesterday I went to MidValley to go to the jobfair. After I was done there I went to have lunch. I had grilled cheese and pancakes. I uploaded the pictures of what I was having on facebook and Kak Ita commented on how I had always loved pancakes since I was a little girl and how she remembers you making pancakes for us when she was living with us all those years ago. She says she misses you too.

I am so happy to know that you touched so many lives when you were alive and how everyone who knew you only have wonderful things to say about the person you were.

Of course the thing people remember most about you is your cooking abilities. There's not one person who knew you who didn't say they miss one type of food or other that you used to cook.

Most of the time what people miss most is your gulai lemak daging.

You certainly make the best gulai ever.

I miss you Mom. And I love you. Always.

A Bus Ride

I went to IJN today via public transport. When I was on the way home, sitting on the bus, my mind recalled the day after we buried Mom and Along and I took the bus from Temerloh, Pahang to KL and KL to Puchong.

Abang, Dad and Auntie Jen went back in Aunty's small Kancil.

Along and I had to take the bus because the car is too small to accomodate five people.

I remember how we trailed tears from Temerluh to KL and Kl to Puchong.

It was hard going back and leaving Mom buried in her hometown.

The finality of having just put Mom in the ground and that we will never see her form again hit us hard.

It was a really melancholic journey. Along crying her silent tears and me crying mine... thinking of the sweet creation who had just left us for good.

I almost broke down and cried again just now on the bus, thinking of that heartbreaking day when we left Mom at her place of rest.

It's strange how memories can overcome me unawares... the most mundane thing could trigger a trip down memory lane...

I miss Mom still. I always will.

Al-Fatihah Mommy.

Mom's Lost Recipes

I've written in previous posts how Mom was an incredible cook who had amazing recipes for innumerable recipes that I can't even begin to name. I think I've also mentioned how Along and I failed to learn most of the dishes that are our favorites that only Mom seemed to be able to make.

Among the dishes that mom made that we all miss are kerabu pucuk paku, laksa lemak, ikan sarak, karipap... to name a few.

Dad had been wanting to eat laksa lemak and kerabu pucuk paku for a while now but we don't know how to make it. Dad looked up the recipes online and ask me to make them.

Laksa Lemak

A few days ago I attempted laksa lemak. It turned out pretty good... but not like the one Mom used to make. I made a second attempt but I tweaked the recipe as close to an approximation of what I remember Mom making and it turned out great.

Today, I made kerabu pucuk paku. It turned out amazing but different from Mom's recipe. I guess we have a new recipe for Kerabu Paku now.

Kerabu Pucuk Paku

No matter how wonderful the new recipes I learned turns out, it would never compare to the dishes that Mom made using her own recipes. 

Another reason Mom will be missed always.

R.I.P Mom. Al-Fatihah

Loving Mommy

My biggest worry where Mom is concerned that I didn't show her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me when she was still alive.

I am afraid that i failed her somehow. That I didn't show her the maximum love and took care of her the best that I could.

It keeps haunting me that there must have been more that I could have done for Mom when she was alive... especially her last few months on earth... when I was taking care of her in the hospital. Did I talk to her enough? Did I exercised her limbs properly? Was i gentle enough when handling her daily baths?

Most importantly I wonder if she knew just how much my world is better just because she was in it... How I am a better person because of the person she was and how she raised me with so much love and care.

I don't know if I told her enough times how much I loved being her daughter... even when times are bad and she is in one of her relapsed and not making much sense... I loved her so much, but I'm afraid while she was alive I took that love for granted, took time for granted and never utilized all the time we had together to ensure that she felt deeply loved every single day of her life.

Maybe she knows... I hope she does.

Mommy I love you. Al-Fatihah.

Conversation With Mom 30

Hello Mommy,

Been a while since we last had a conversation. Of course if you want to be technical, the last real conversation we had was over two years ago while you were still alive... but you know what I mean... the conversation that we have at this blog of mine... where I do most of the talking and hope somehow deep in my heart I could hear the response you would give.

I went for an interview on Friday. I don't know how it turns out just yet. I hope you'll bless me and I'll be lucky enough to land this job.

I know you were never materialistic and you only worry about money when the basic necessity of life cannot be met... while life isn't as bad as it was at one point or the other in the past, it would be nice to have some sort of financial independence.

Dad is old and not very healthy anymore and it is just too bad of me still being so dependent on him.

I don't know Mom... I wish you were here and could bolster my spirit with one of your bright comforting truism... Like, 'Things will work out dear', or my favorite, 'Let tomorrow take care of itself'.

I miss you Mom. The comfort that I could find just by being near you. You were always such a warm, giving, loving presence and it always made me feel better to be around you... and see that gentle smile on your face...

How do I move on and leave you in the past Mom? I can't seem to let you go and you have already gone for quite a while... and I'm still hanging on tight to whatever is left of you...

I wonder what you would say to me now if you could... would you tell me not to dwell too much on the pain of losing you? That sounds like what you would say... you were always pragmatic that way.

I love you Mom and I miss you all the time.

Al-Fatihah.