Two years ago, two days before raya (Eid) mom fell in the kitchen which subsequently led to her eventual demise. Raya has never been the same since.
This is the second fasting season that Mom hasn't been around for. It feels weird waking up for sahur (meal before fasting) to prepare the meal for the family when that was once Mom's domain. Mom was the one responsible for making sure every one gets up to have their meal before dawn.
Things are different now. Instead of Mom being in charge of the meals, it is now all up to me.
Ever since Mom passed on, the kitchen duties have fallen largely on my shoulders. The daily meals doesn't really bother me, but the meals served during Ramadhan (fasting month)... Mom usually make sure there was something special on the table for berbuka (break of fast) and she will ensure the fasting day begins right with a proper sahur.
Even as the rituals of fasting reminds me of its purpose of which to remember those who have to do without, I can't help but remember that the last Ramadhan spent with Mom ended in pain for her and Syawal (month after Ramadhan where the first day is Eid) was spend entirely in the hospital ward.
This coming November 4th would be the second year anniversary of Mom's passing. Even a year and a half or so away from the tragedy, I am still reeling from it's impact.
In fact as recent as last week, I was still dreaming of Mom. I dreamed she came back from the grave for a quick 'visit'. She looked her radiant self without the traces of fatigue and pain that marred her angelic face the last month of her life.
I miss Mom so much. I don't know if this pain I bear will be with me forever. Won't the scar ever heal?
It hurts still thinking of her sweet, loving self now taken from us. God loved her too much to let her suffer long. But I love her too and though I don't for the world wish her to suffer I can't help but wish she hadn't gone so soon.
Life is just not the same without Mom.
I have to stop. This is taking too much out of me. Tears are falling as I continue this trp down memory lane.
Perhaps more time is needed before I can talk about Mom and not want to bawl my eyes out.
I love you Mom. R.I.P.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
Remembering
Felt like listening to 'Shame' by Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow. And I don't even know why I felt like listening to it again after all these times. As I listened to the song again, it brought back memories of Mom during her 46 days stint in the hospital.
This song was released in the middle of Mom's stay there.
I remember how this song was like an anthem for me during those days.
I'm brought back to those heart-wrenching days as I watched Mum disappear right before my eyes.
It's been a while since it hits me this hard. I'm bawling almost as hard as I did back when Mom just passed away.
I miss Mom all the time, but there are days when it's harder than normal to keep the tears at bay.
As hard as those 46 days were, I'd give anything to be able to sit beside Mom once again and watch her as she sleeps.
I know, I know. She's off to a better place. She's no longer suffering. But can I help it if I miss her so much?
Amazing how even a trivial thing like listening to a song could open the floodgate of memories.
There was Mom as she delighted at the small amount of ice cream we managed to give her after she's been craving it for weeks.Then there was Mom asking me to sing to her. Then again there was Mom as she lay tired after her dialysis treatment. And again Mom on her last days on the respirator, blood coming out of her mouth....
These images will never be wiped from my memory, nor do I want it gone, it's just that sometimes when it comes back to haunt me, missing Mom gets harder to handle.
Taking a deep breath and hope this spell of heartache will end soon.
R.I.P. Mom
This song was released in the middle of Mom's stay there.
I remember how this song was like an anthem for me during those days.
I'm brought back to those heart-wrenching days as I watched Mum disappear right before my eyes.
It's been a while since it hits me this hard. I'm bawling almost as hard as I did back when Mom just passed away.
I miss Mom all the time, but there are days when it's harder than normal to keep the tears at bay.
As hard as those 46 days were, I'd give anything to be able to sit beside Mom once again and watch her as she sleeps.
I know, I know. She's off to a better place. She's no longer suffering. But can I help it if I miss her so much?
Amazing how even a trivial thing like listening to a song could open the floodgate of memories.
There was Mom as she delighted at the small amount of ice cream we managed to give her after she's been craving it for weeks.Then there was Mom asking me to sing to her. Then again there was Mom as she lay tired after her dialysis treatment. And again Mom on her last days on the respirator, blood coming out of her mouth....
These images will never be wiped from my memory, nor do I want it gone, it's just that sometimes when it comes back to haunt me, missing Mom gets harder to handle.
Taking a deep breath and hope this spell of heartache will end soon.
R.I.P. Mom
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
When Silence Gets Too Much
Sometimes silence might seem like indifference,
Days, weeks go by and I keep my distance,
Not because I don't care,
Not because I've forgotten,
But sometimes silence is all there is
When words fail to describe further how much I miss you
How much I yearn and how much I ache for you.
But I've been silent far too long,
The stillness is deafening,
And I again search for the words,
Whether in vain or not,
It is for you to judge,
As I once more struggle to tell you,
What life is like now that you no longer walk it with us.
Mommy love,
If I could paint you the bleakness of my soul,
Without it coming up pitch dark
Like my heart is,
I would.
I would show you the many shades of grief,
The layers of hurt,
The lines of pain,
But alas I am not much of a painter,
And all I have are these words,
And still they fail me.
How many ways can you write what pain means,
What loss is all about?
How many words can be scribed telling you
How my heart bleeds,
How my spirit is shredded...
Too many and too little all at the same time.
Suffice is to say, this is another expression of
My soul's dejection.
I love you and I miss you.
Adik
2011 hrs. 19 June 2012,
The empty house you left behind,
Puchong, Selangor
Days, weeks go by and I keep my distance,
Not because I don't care,
Not because I've forgotten,
But sometimes silence is all there is
When words fail to describe further how much I miss you
How much I yearn and how much I ache for you.
But I've been silent far too long,
The stillness is deafening,
And I again search for the words,
Whether in vain or not,
It is for you to judge,
As I once more struggle to tell you,
What life is like now that you no longer walk it with us.
Mommy love,
If I could paint you the bleakness of my soul,
Without it coming up pitch dark
Like my heart is,
I would.
I would show you the many shades of grief,
The layers of hurt,
The lines of pain,
But alas I am not much of a painter,
And all I have are these words,
And still they fail me.
How many ways can you write what pain means,
What loss is all about?
How many words can be scribed telling you
How my heart bleeds,
How my spirit is shredded...
Too many and too little all at the same time.
Suffice is to say, this is another expression of
My soul's dejection.
I love you and I miss you.
Adik
2011 hrs. 19 June 2012,
The empty house you left behind,
Puchong, Selangor
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Conversation With Mom 21
Mommy love,
Uncle Dzul (Dad's mentor and friend) and Pak Long (Dad's Brother) both passed away recently. Uncle Dzul on Saturday June 2nd and Pak Long On Tuesday June 5th.
I don't know how things work in the after life, but I was hoping you'll have more company now. I hate the thought of you alone. I hope all those people we've known in our lives who have moved on as well are there with you and that you are not lonely.
Mom, I worry about you still. I wonder how you are faring in the after life. I hope you are doing all right.
Me? I'm not doing too well. Too stressed and too many things ailing me. Right now I'm eating 9 different medications daily and I'm guessing when I meet my doctor next for my diabetes appointment I will have to add another medication on my list. Oh and don't forget the insulin jab at night.
I don't mean to worry you, but you know how it is mom, you were about the only one I could always talk too.
I miss those times Mom. Those times when I would talk your ears off. You would listen and would tell me things that would make everything that seems wrong in my life looks less threatening and scary.
I miss you, period.
I know every time I have this conversation with you I'd be telling you in one form or the other how much I miss you. i'd hate to sound repetitive, but it just doesn't seem to be enough - me telling you how much I miss you.
Life is rather stressful now. Dad is overtly sensitive and every gestures and words we utter he would misinterpret it in the negative way. He keeps insisting that we don't love him anymore, that we find him a burden to us and he keeps saying that it's not like he is going to live for very long anyway and that soon we would be free of him.
This is so outlandish that I don't know how to tell him that he is paranoid. We love him so much and would never wish ill off him. We don't want to lose him anytime soon. Losing you was hard enough. Losing dad in any near future would just about shatter us.
I'm telling you all this so that not only will you know what's going on down here, but also so dad could read this and know that we do not resent him and do not for a second think he is a nuisance.
We love dad. We love you. The both of you makes the best parents any child could have, even with all your flaws and failings.
No one is perfect, but the both of you have loved us beyond what perfection could initiate.
Dad, if you are reading this, please, please know that we love you always and would never wish ill on you.
Mom, please whisper in Dad's dreams that he doesn't need to leave this plane so fast and that you'll be waiting for him when and only when his time has come.
I love you Mom. Sorry if I brought trouble to your resting self. I have no one really I could share this with.
I miss you always. R.I.P. Mom.
Love,
Adik
Uncle Dzul (Dad's mentor and friend) and Pak Long (Dad's Brother) both passed away recently. Uncle Dzul on Saturday June 2nd and Pak Long On Tuesday June 5th.
I don't know how things work in the after life, but I was hoping you'll have more company now. I hate the thought of you alone. I hope all those people we've known in our lives who have moved on as well are there with you and that you are not lonely.
Mom, I worry about you still. I wonder how you are faring in the after life. I hope you are doing all right.
Me? I'm not doing too well. Too stressed and too many things ailing me. Right now I'm eating 9 different medications daily and I'm guessing when I meet my doctor next for my diabetes appointment I will have to add another medication on my list. Oh and don't forget the insulin jab at night.
I don't mean to worry you, but you know how it is mom, you were about the only one I could always talk too.
I miss those times Mom. Those times when I would talk your ears off. You would listen and would tell me things that would make everything that seems wrong in my life looks less threatening and scary.
I miss you, period.
I know every time I have this conversation with you I'd be telling you in one form or the other how much I miss you. i'd hate to sound repetitive, but it just doesn't seem to be enough - me telling you how much I miss you.
Life is rather stressful now. Dad is overtly sensitive and every gestures and words we utter he would misinterpret it in the negative way. He keeps insisting that we don't love him anymore, that we find him a burden to us and he keeps saying that it's not like he is going to live for very long anyway and that soon we would be free of him.
This is so outlandish that I don't know how to tell him that he is paranoid. We love him so much and would never wish ill off him. We don't want to lose him anytime soon. Losing you was hard enough. Losing dad in any near future would just about shatter us.
I'm telling you all this so that not only will you know what's going on down here, but also so dad could read this and know that we do not resent him and do not for a second think he is a nuisance.
We love dad. We love you. The both of you makes the best parents any child could have, even with all your flaws and failings.
No one is perfect, but the both of you have loved us beyond what perfection could initiate.
Dad, if you are reading this, please, please know that we love you always and would never wish ill on you.
Mom, please whisper in Dad's dreams that he doesn't need to leave this plane so fast and that you'll be waiting for him when and only when his time has come.
I love you Mom. Sorry if I brought trouble to your resting self. I have no one really I could share this with.
I miss you always. R.I.P. Mom.
Love,
Adik
Sunday, May 27, 2012
I Cherish You
For you are loved beyond the span of your time on earth,
You are remembered and missed by those you left behind,
In great pain and heartache we etch you in our mind,
Trying our hardest to hold on to a past that we try our best not to outlast,
Your presence though no longer corporeal, still deeply felt and cherished,
And we pray for strength to move on beyond your reach,
And we hope we honor your memories by holding you near,
Even if holding you close brings us to tears.
Mommy love,
I celebrate your life by holding true to the legacy you left behind;
Of love, kindness, compassion and understanding;
All the warmth of your love which transcends death,
And all the colours you painted your life with,
I will immortalize in the canvas of my own life,
and I will bring you with me wherever I go in this life I still have to live,
And I will never forget the glory that was you.
I love you and I treasure you,
For now and for forever.
Till death bring us back together.
Adik
2143 hrs. May 27.2011
The empty house you left behind
Bandar Bukit Puchong
You are remembered and missed by those you left behind,
In great pain and heartache we etch you in our mind,
Trying our hardest to hold on to a past that we try our best not to outlast,
Your presence though no longer corporeal, still deeply felt and cherished,
And we pray for strength to move on beyond your reach,
And we hope we honor your memories by holding you near,
Even if holding you close brings us to tears.
Mommy love,
I celebrate your life by holding true to the legacy you left behind;
Of love, kindness, compassion and understanding;
All the warmth of your love which transcends death,
And all the colours you painted your life with,
I will immortalize in the canvas of my own life,
and I will bring you with me wherever I go in this life I still have to live,
And I will never forget the glory that was you.
I love you and I treasure you,
For now and for forever.
Till death bring us back together.
Adik
2143 hrs. May 27.2011
The empty house you left behind
Bandar Bukit Puchong
Friday, May 25, 2012
Conversation With Mom 20
Mommy dearest,
It's been a while. My birthday and dad's birthday have both passed. Celebrations such as this nowadays lackluster and feel incomplete without you. Although I always feel the loss of you on a daily basis, on special occasions such as this the dearth of your presence is felt a hundredfold more.
Mom, I would like to say that a year and a half after you've gone that we've moved on. That we have adjusted and are doing well enough without you. But such was the impact you had on our lives that even after all these time have passed, we still find it impossible to pretend that we are just fine without you.
Dad especially have been really morose lately thinking about you. He feels lost without you to anchor him. You were the reason why he had to stay strong. You were the reason he fought so hard to live a righteous life. And now you are gone and it's like he doesn't know what's left for him to do. He does not seem to see any purpose behind his existence now.
I don't know how to rectify dad's dwindling spirit.
I know I'm telling you about how dad is coping without you, but that does not mean that abang, along and I aren't as badly affected.
I was cleaning the yam today and I recall how it was a task that you had always undertaken and I felt a sharp pain in my chest as I internalize the fact that it is a task that I have to take over. That never again will I see you striping the outer yam skin to clean the yam.
Mom, I miss you so much. At this moment as I write this, tears are threatening to fall. Today is a bad day. Where missing you is concerned that is. There are days when missing you gets too much that I just have to give in to my misery and cry for losing you,
Mom, is there no magic dust that you can sprinkle over me while you watch over my sleeping self that would take away this debilitating pain I feel at the thought of you?
Life is so empty without you. This house feels so empty without you.
I miss your gentle smile, your soft-spoken demeanor, your sleeping form in the corner of the bedroom, your pleading voice as you asked me to pull your gray hair...
What I would give to deny you yet again your request of pulling your gray hair, only to hear you asking me again and again to please pull your hair.
I miss you Mom.
I wonder how you are faring now. What your soul is subjected too. If you are still watching us from wherever you have gone to.
I'm sorry if I didn't look after you well enough while you were ill Mom. I don't know what I could have done that would have made a difference. I watched you suffer for 46 days and although it saddens me that you are no longer here, I was glad that your suffering saw an end.
Mom... if I could just hug you one more time and tell you how much I love you and how much you made a difference in my life, how you helped shaped me to be the woman I am today and if I could only see your smile one more time.... Mom, there's not a day that passes by that I don't wish you are still around.
There are even days when I would look up expecting to see you looking back and me only to realize that what I was feeling was just a glimpse from my memory.
I love you. I miss you. Always.
Al-Fatihah.
It's been a while. My birthday and dad's birthday have both passed. Celebrations such as this nowadays lackluster and feel incomplete without you. Although I always feel the loss of you on a daily basis, on special occasions such as this the dearth of your presence is felt a hundredfold more.
Mom, I would like to say that a year and a half after you've gone that we've moved on. That we have adjusted and are doing well enough without you. But such was the impact you had on our lives that even after all these time have passed, we still find it impossible to pretend that we are just fine without you.
Dad especially have been really morose lately thinking about you. He feels lost without you to anchor him. You were the reason why he had to stay strong. You were the reason he fought so hard to live a righteous life. And now you are gone and it's like he doesn't know what's left for him to do. He does not seem to see any purpose behind his existence now.
I don't know how to rectify dad's dwindling spirit.
I know I'm telling you about how dad is coping without you, but that does not mean that abang, along and I aren't as badly affected.
I was cleaning the yam today and I recall how it was a task that you had always undertaken and I felt a sharp pain in my chest as I internalize the fact that it is a task that I have to take over. That never again will I see you striping the outer yam skin to clean the yam.
Mom, I miss you so much. At this moment as I write this, tears are threatening to fall. Today is a bad day. Where missing you is concerned that is. There are days when missing you gets too much that I just have to give in to my misery and cry for losing you,
Mom, is there no magic dust that you can sprinkle over me while you watch over my sleeping self that would take away this debilitating pain I feel at the thought of you?
Life is so empty without you. This house feels so empty without you.
I miss your gentle smile, your soft-spoken demeanor, your sleeping form in the corner of the bedroom, your pleading voice as you asked me to pull your gray hair...
What I would give to deny you yet again your request of pulling your gray hair, only to hear you asking me again and again to please pull your hair.
I miss you Mom.
I wonder how you are faring now. What your soul is subjected too. If you are still watching us from wherever you have gone to.
I'm sorry if I didn't look after you well enough while you were ill Mom. I don't know what I could have done that would have made a difference. I watched you suffer for 46 days and although it saddens me that you are no longer here, I was glad that your suffering saw an end.
Mom... if I could just hug you one more time and tell you how much I love you and how much you made a difference in my life, how you helped shaped me to be the woman I am today and if I could only see your smile one more time.... Mom, there's not a day that passes by that I don't wish you are still around.
There are even days when I would look up expecting to see you looking back and me only to realize that what I was feeling was just a glimpse from my memory.
I love you. I miss you. Always.
Al-Fatihah.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Conversation With Mom 19
Hello Mommy,
I just felt like talking with you. Don't really have anything specific to talk about... not really anyway.
There is something on my mind. Along and Dad has given me a lot to worry about these past few weeks.
Along... well I can't get into details about her. Lets just say that she is severely depressed and sees her life as being hopeless. I don't know how to help her other than be there for her when she needs a shoulder to cry on.
And Dad... he has been really ill these past few days. His spirit is low and he is hardly eating. I am worried about him. I pray that it is just a phase he is going through and that he will recover soon. I don't think I can bear it if I lose Dad so soon after I lost you. Maybe I am being a bit dramatic, but it does feel like Dad is slipping away. I don't know Mom. I hope to heaven I am wrong and Dad is just severely under the weather and that he will be all right soon.
Not much to say that is really new. I still miss you, still dream of you every now and again and still aches inside with losing you. Wonder how much time will pass before I don't feel like my heart is shattering every time I think of you.
Mom, you were the best part of me and I wonder how will I ever be whole again now that you've left a void inside of me.
I love you and I miss you. Rest well Mom. Al Fatihah.
I just felt like talking with you. Don't really have anything specific to talk about... not really anyway.
There is something on my mind. Along and Dad has given me a lot to worry about these past few weeks.
Along... well I can't get into details about her. Lets just say that she is severely depressed and sees her life as being hopeless. I don't know how to help her other than be there for her when she needs a shoulder to cry on.
And Dad... he has been really ill these past few days. His spirit is low and he is hardly eating. I am worried about him. I pray that it is just a phase he is going through and that he will recover soon. I don't think I can bear it if I lose Dad so soon after I lost you. Maybe I am being a bit dramatic, but it does feel like Dad is slipping away. I don't know Mom. I hope to heaven I am wrong and Dad is just severely under the weather and that he will be all right soon.
Not much to say that is really new. I still miss you, still dream of you every now and again and still aches inside with losing you. Wonder how much time will pass before I don't feel like my heart is shattering every time I think of you.
Mom, you were the best part of me and I wonder how will I ever be whole again now that you've left a void inside of me.
I love you and I miss you. Rest well Mom. Al Fatihah.
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