A Bus Ride

I went to IJN today via public transport. When I was on the way home, sitting on the bus, my mind recalled the day after we buried Mom and Along and I took the bus from Temerloh, Pahang to KL and KL to Puchong.

Abang, Dad and Auntie Jen went back in Aunty's small Kancil.

Along and I had to take the bus because the car is too small to accomodate five people.

I remember how we trailed tears from Temerluh to KL and Kl to Puchong.

It was hard going back and leaving Mom buried in her hometown.

The finality of having just put Mom in the ground and that we will never see her form again hit us hard.

It was a really melancholic journey. Along crying her silent tears and me crying mine... thinking of the sweet creation who had just left us for good.

I almost broke down and cried again just now on the bus, thinking of that heartbreaking day when we left Mom at her place of rest.

It's strange how memories can overcome me unawares... the most mundane thing could trigger a trip down memory lane...

I miss Mom still. I always will.

Al-Fatihah Mommy.

Mom's Lost Recipes

I've written in previous posts how Mom was an incredible cook who had amazing recipes for innumerable recipes that I can't even begin to name. I think I've also mentioned how Along and I failed to learn most of the dishes that are our favorites that only Mom seemed to be able to make.

Among the dishes that mom made that we all miss are kerabu pucuk paku, laksa lemak, ikan sarak, karipap... to name a few.

Dad had been wanting to eat laksa lemak and kerabu pucuk paku for a while now but we don't know how to make it. Dad looked up the recipes online and ask me to make them.

Laksa Lemak

A few days ago I attempted laksa lemak. It turned out pretty good... but not like the one Mom used to make. I made a second attempt but I tweaked the recipe as close to an approximation of what I remember Mom making and it turned out great.

Today, I made kerabu pucuk paku. It turned out amazing but different from Mom's recipe. I guess we have a new recipe for Kerabu Paku now.

Kerabu Pucuk Paku

No matter how wonderful the new recipes I learned turns out, it would never compare to the dishes that Mom made using her own recipes. 

Another reason Mom will be missed always.

R.I.P Mom. Al-Fatihah

Loving Mommy

My biggest worry where Mom is concerned that I didn't show her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me when she was still alive.

I am afraid that i failed her somehow. That I didn't show her the maximum love and took care of her the best that I could.

It keeps haunting me that there must have been more that I could have done for Mom when she was alive... especially her last few months on earth... when I was taking care of her in the hospital. Did I talk to her enough? Did I exercised her limbs properly? Was i gentle enough when handling her daily baths?

Most importantly I wonder if she knew just how much my world is better just because she was in it... How I am a better person because of the person she was and how she raised me with so much love and care.

I don't know if I told her enough times how much I loved being her daughter... even when times are bad and she is in one of her relapsed and not making much sense... I loved her so much, but I'm afraid while she was alive I took that love for granted, took time for granted and never utilized all the time we had together to ensure that she felt deeply loved every single day of her life.

Maybe she knows... I hope she does.

Mommy I love you. Al-Fatihah.

Conversation With Mom 30

Hello Mommy,

Been a while since we last had a conversation. Of course if you want to be technical, the last real conversation we had was over two years ago while you were still alive... but you know what I mean... the conversation that we have at this blog of mine... where I do most of the talking and hope somehow deep in my heart I could hear the response you would give.

I went for an interview on Friday. I don't know how it turns out just yet. I hope you'll bless me and I'll be lucky enough to land this job.

I know you were never materialistic and you only worry about money when the basic necessity of life cannot be met... while life isn't as bad as it was at one point or the other in the past, it would be nice to have some sort of financial independence.

Dad is old and not very healthy anymore and it is just too bad of me still being so dependent on him.

I don't know Mom... I wish you were here and could bolster my spirit with one of your bright comforting truism... Like, 'Things will work out dear', or my favorite, 'Let tomorrow take care of itself'.

I miss you Mom. The comfort that I could find just by being near you. You were always such a warm, giving, loving presence and it always made me feel better to be around you... and see that gentle smile on your face...

How do I move on and leave you in the past Mom? I can't seem to let you go and you have already gone for quite a while... and I'm still hanging on tight to whatever is left of you...

I wonder what you would say to me now if you could... would you tell me not to dwell too much on the pain of losing you? That sounds like what you would say... you were always pragmatic that way.

I love you Mom and I miss you all the time.

Al-Fatihah.

What would have been the 38th anniversary

Happy Anniversary Mommy and Daddy!

Had Mom lived till today, it would have been Mom and Dad's 38th anniversary. as it is they only saw 35 years together. The other three dad only celebrate in remembrance of what once was.

It has been exactly 2 years 3 months and 24 days since Mom moved on. And in those span of time, we've celebrated Mom and dad's anniversary, Mom's birthday, Mother's dad, and Mom's moving on day. 

As the years go, these celebrations will come again and again and I foresee it will still hit me hard not to be able to celebrate these occasions with Mom and not to have to celebrate the day that marked her passing.

I don't know about other people who have lost their loved ones. But for me, the saying that it gets better with time, well it hasn't proved true to me yet. Or maybe it is just that not enough time has passes by. Whatever it is, up till today, the pain is still the same.

It seems that it was just yesterday that we laid her to rest. It still feels so recent and I am still raw inside. My heart hasn't stopped aching for Mom ever since that cold Thursday night when Along called and said mom was no longer with us.

All these words that I write in this blogs... I know they sound repetitious somehow... after all how many ways can one say one is bereaved and missing the departed? Yet every post I write keeps Mom's presence alive and relevant still in my life and so I will write in various ways the desolation I feel at Mom's passing.

Al-Fatihah Mom. Happy Anniversary.

Mom's Last Ice Cream

Abang bought a tub of ice cream today. Somehow as I thought of the ice cream in the fridge my mind flashed back to the time when she was hospitalized for the very last time.

From the moment she was lucid enough to speak, all she ever wanted was some ice-cream. She was on the feeding tube then and wasn't able to eat orally yet.

But there was a short span of time within those 46 days that she was hospitalized that she could consume food and we managed to give her some ice cream a few times.

Oh the delight on her face when she tasted those ice creams. She savored every morsel that went down her throat and claimed, "Sedapnya. Sejuk je tekak Mummy (How delicious. My throat feels so refreshed.)."

The kind of ice-cream Mom loved.

I was glad that we managed to fulfill one of her last wishes. Sometimes, like today, when I come across ice creams or though about it, my mind would wander back to those times in the hospital when about the only bright spot in Mom's pain-riled body was a small taste of ice cream.

Conversation With Mom 29

Happy New Year 2013 Mom!

Another new year that you are not with us. I've already spent an entire day in the new year and it hasn't sunk in yet, the newness of it all.

But then again, many changes that takes place in my life goes by without so much as a by-your-leave, simply because a part of me is stuck in the past, trapped by the lost of you.

I know it's nearing three years this year since you passed away, and I supposed I have moved on of sorts, but a part of me is still stuck in limbo when you left us for good. A part of me that sees me having this conversation with you every now and again... a part of me that just can't comprehend a life without you.

Do you know Mom? That when I write out this conversations with you,. I am actually imagining you sitting before me and that at every point or so I'm picturing the response you'd give if you were still able.

I don't know if this blog is a plus or a minus. I don't suppose it does me any harm keeping your spirit alive within the confines of the WWW. But then again... I don't know how much this blog is affecting my ability to heal. Am I just keeping my wounds wide open by keeping this worded shrine for you?

Dark thoughts on what should be a new brighter beginning.

I just wanted to greet the new year with you by my side.

I love you and miss you Mom.

Al-Fatihah.