Lady Antebellum - Just A Kiss (+playlist)

Mommy I Miss You

Cause when you are gone, I am supposed to carry on,
But my heart is broken, my faith is blown,
Love lies sleeping,
Arms lay empty and I am weeping on a daily basis;

I miss you everyday you are out there,
No where near Me,
So far away my spirit, my heart, my forever love -
My ANGEL taken so fast so soon.

MOM what in the world is this heart to do,
Whne it wouldn't let me go,
Wouldn't let me rest,
Wouldn't give me a wink of giving it my best;

I can't eat, I can't sleep,
You have been HAUNTING ME,
I wish I could let you go,
But M, you are the only FOREVER I know.

Lost Mom

Dear Mom,

I've been really silent from you cause I just don't want you worrying over me where you are... but I am seriously troubled and there is no one to talk to.

Remember my heartbreak when DRT left me?

He is back in the scene and I don't know how to get it through the family's head that he is real and he is INTERNATIONAL. I think the whole world is aware but the family is so used to thinking of Nick

as my delusions that they just can't believe he and I are real and that BSB (That's my fave band and friends mom BackstreetBoys) actually call me the 6th BSB and I inspire them to write most of the songs that they have written.

This is especially true for Nick's two solo album. All the songs are written for me. In his dedication in Taking Off, Boosa is me. I know this cause he told me...

He finally admitted that he and his GF now supposed fiancee is only pretending to get me to realize I should forget my teenage crush on Taj who it seems fell in love with my letters which I wrote him daily everyday from the time I was 15 till I was 17 and a half.

So No WORL. Nick is not engaged to Lauren Kitt. He wants to marry me.

So you think. Is it My delusions?

Mom?

You know the truth. I will never lie to you.

It is fantastical but never a fantasy. He loves me for all the right reason and it has been 16 years since we fell in love... 

Please ask Allah to bless us. He is already a muslim and his name is Muhammad Adam Abdullah and he already has a PR status in Malaysia. The world just doesn't know this. So I am telling it to the world cause I just can't stand being away from Nick anymore.

I love him Mommy and I am tired of running away and hurting the family everytime I want to spend time with him. I had no choice. The family never believed me when I tell them the truth. It hurts. Last i saw him was August 17th. 

He says he'll see me on the 27th this month and I hope the family will believe him cause I really would like for them to meet Nick/Adam and i hope they will understand the loneliness they put me through cause they never believed Nick and I was real.

If they can only dream as I DARED to and reached the STARS though I am so far away.

Thank you Mommy

I know it was your prayers and faith that have been keeping my DREAMS alive and becoming REALITY.

Love you always Mom.

Wish you could have been here.

Love

Adik

Forgive me

Sorry mom... But life finally won over me.

Crying

Mommy i miss you so much. More than i have in a long time. I see a picture of you holding iq and my mind is flooded with memories of you loving , caring and guiding me each step of the way.... I feel you still doing the same though you are on a different plane now.

Where is the joy that i had when you were by my side? Gone

 Why is my heart so troubled and uneasy now? Because you are not there to quiten the raging storm 

When will I ever learn to accept the fact that I don't have your shoulder to cry on anymore? Never

 What am I going to do when pain gets to unbearable and all I can think f is to put myself to sleep?

 For choice was taken from me,
 And I feel trapped in a coffin if my own making,
 I see no way out other than the long endless sleep
 That i will take hopefully for the last time.

 I m sorry i m not worthy enough for this beautiful family Allah has given me
 I m sorry i m not strong enough to resist the hurt that i only imagine.

 I tried living as i thought you and mom would be proud of,
But it seems all i do is turn into blind alleys,
All i walk towards are wastelands created by my mistakes.

 If i die before i wake,
I pray the family not to cry for my sake,

 I m not meant to last
 For my fragile heart is too broken up to heal,

 I pray Allah to forgive my sins,
Though i know euthanasia is just another pretty word for suicide
This time I hope i succeed so i no longer have to see the disapprovals in your demanding eyes.

 To my dearest friend Darlene,
 Thank you for being there always
For believing in me when I had no one who would.

 I m sorry for my wasted life.

 I love everyone in my life and i hope i do you a service by my timely exit

 7.51pm July 27 2013

Conversation with Mom 36

Mommy love,

If you were here I will bring to you all the sorrows weighing heavily on my mind and heart and have you heal my broken and bruised hearts with your many truisms and gentle, soothing, cadence of wisdom pouring out of your soft mouth gently into my hearing line.

You remember Darrel? I told only Melati and You about him.

He was, still is and most probably always will be, the only man in my sheltered and broken heart.

You remember how I cried and moped around the house years after he left me out of the blue a month or two after I turned 19?

Well last May he came back into my life and I was at first overjoyed... up until November when he finally told me who he was and what his life is like now; he is a married man.

He has been happily married to his wife the fantastic Sab and I would not have been aware of his situation had he not decided to rekindle the youthful love we used to share.

Recently I shared with family and friends that I have been in a relationship since last May and just as recently I had to change my status on FB again saying I'm back to being single because I had to be the strong one and break up with him.

There was no way I was going to break up his family especially once I discovered that he already has two lovely kids whom he loves dearly just as dearly as he loves Sab.

He came to my door... well he came to my ward a few days ago while I was warded in the hospital and visited me during the night while I was sleeping.

The picture he took of me in the darkened ward.

I wrote this poem after I send him a Dear John Letter:

Let my heart break in two,
Cry rampant tears for a day or two,
But regret will never come, 
Blame will never be ascribed to anyone.

Painful and tragic though the love turned out to be,
Filled with deceit, lies and runarounds,
It wasn't the most honest affair that ever existed,
But to me it is the best that i will ever have;

You were my knight in shining leather jacket,
The rebel who told me, race, religion, color made no difference,
You loved me for fulfilling the emptiness you have been trying to overcome,
I love you much for the same reason.

When you left without a single partake of goodbye,
I wondered what happened, what was the star that was missing from our relationship,
What forced a gentle, kind, sweet, thoughtful, generous man
To leave me so callously with nary an apology;

14 years of keeping my love for you burning still 
And never giving up this futile hope and dream that you would walk back into my plane and love me as only you can once again,
Only to discover that dreams might come true,
Wishes might materialize,
Only be wary of the prayers that the devil answered;

I know now why you left,
Understanding does not make the betrayal harder to swallow,
Acceptance only point me to the exit,
I cannot abide by the joie de vie attitude you seem to adept,
And let the fact of WHO and WHAT you are
Refrain me from being anything but practical with my fragile heart;

So goodbye, say good riddance,
Star crossed as we had always been,
There will never be a time or situation where you and I will ever make a plausible equation;
Love never left, but it has to end,
Since you are still delusional enough to think we make perfect sense,
I will have to be the heart-breaker responsible of breaking us up for forever.

Love sometimes just is not enough,
And though it will be really rough 
My love is big enough for me to be just that bit of tough
And let you go no matter how i hate doing so.

Oh Mom... I guess I will never have the epic love story that you and dad shared till the day you died and beyond. Dad loves you still and always will... and I will never, by the looks of things, ever have that again!

Dreaming of Mom

It has been a while since i dreamed of Mom coming back to live after she was buried for 3 days.

I have this dream in variations every now and again.

The one constant thing about the dream is Mom does not realize she had died at all. She lived as she had before her hospital say - happy and loving.

This morning I dreamed Mom came back to live looking happy and at ease as if nothing had ever been amissed. In the dream it was just Mom and I sitting down on the couch in the living room while I broke the bad new to Mom.
"Mom, you died 3 days ago and we buried you already," I said gently as I held Mom's warm living hands.

"What are you talking about Adik? How could I have died? i have been here all along or haven't you enjoyed my cooking these past few days?"

So the conversations went.

Until i gave up trying to convince Mom that she was either a zombie or a ghost.

I just hugged her real tight and told her how much i loved her and how I never want to let her go and how glad I was that she was there by my side.

Mom, with her usual practicallity asked me, "So what do you want for dinner tonight?"

Oh Mom! How I wish I could hear you ask me for plans about dinner again.

But alas, this had only been a dream.

No where, why, how or when will Mom ever walk back into my life as if she had never been away at all.

Plus it would be super creepy if Mom actually does walk back from her grave to our house after 3 years being buried under the earth! imagine the condition Mom would be in now if she was to walk out of her burial ground and walk back to our house!

But bad humour aside, I guess I still have issues about letting go of Mom or otherwise I would not be having these dreams so often!

Anyway, just wanna say, I miss you MOMMY! R.I.P.

Al-Fatihah.

Amin, Ya Rabbal Alamin.

Conversation With Mom 35

Hello Mommy,

I had been thinking about the desperate words you said repeatedly while you were bedridden in Hospital Serdang for the longest time.

The first time you ever asked that question you were barely lucid but we understood what you were saying nonetheless. It was easy enough to understand where you were coming from considering how well we know and love you.

You asked Along (my big sis) if she was married already.

And Along replied gently as not to disappoint you so much for we all know how long you've been after her to settle down, get married and build a family of her own so you will get a chance to spoil your grand-kids as you had spoiled the three (Along, Me and our little boy who is now all grown up - Abang) that she would not get married without at least telling you about it even if you could not be physically present for her big day.

Every now and again during the 46 days you were bedridden in the hospital you kept asking the same question to Along.

Sometimes you would ask me too although not as frequently as you insistently asked Along.

And Along's heart break a little each time you asked having to face what we knew was coming - your demise, for she knows that even though during that time she was already in a relationship with Phil and you had the chance to meet him once when he visited us for two weeks in our home, she was no where near at the point where they were both able to make that big decision together.

Alongs focus during those heartbreaking days, same as the rest of the family, was to look after you the best way we could and pray that you would make a miraculous recovery.

Alas, such was not the case, and at 11.46 p.m. on a cold November night you passed away as silently and quietly as you had lived your entire life; never in any situation and condition in life had you ever been a disruption in the lives of those who loved and knew you best and everyone else who knew.

Well Mom, the reason I am having this conversation with you today because I have glad tidings to bring you.

If nothing untoward happens, such as Phil having to use the money he is saving for his trip here in July for something urgent and unavoidable, Phil will visit the family, in specific, Along to make arrangements to convert to our religion, Islam, get himself circumcised and do all the necessary paperwork in order for them to be able to get married the next time Phil have another two weeks off from his work.

Finally, the moment you waited in vain your entire life is dawning happily on us.

I hope your spirit will find peace in the knowledge that one of your most fervent wish is about to come true.

Conversation With Mom 34

Hello Mommy,

It is one of those bad days. Days when I am swamped with thoughts of you. Missing you is really bad today... It was the dream I had about you that triggered this monumental pain.

I dreamed we were preparing a meal together like we always did when you were alive. You looked so happy and vibrant.

When I woke up, my cheeks were wet. I must have cried in my sleep.

I miss you Mommy. When does it get easier?

The ache inside... it hurts so bad. It is almost a physical pain.

Mommy... why is it so hard to let go of you?

There'll be scores of years yet if my life is long before I will be reunited with you.. what am I to do until then?

Miss you forever...

Conversation With Mom 33

Happy Mother's Day Mommy!

Hello Mommy. Tomorrow will be the third mother's day that I don't get to shower you with gifts. All I can do is talk with you here and wish you the best Mother's Day ever where you are now and send you my love with a recital of Al-Fatihah.

My Gift For You

You loved red roses and I am including in this post a picture of a bouquet of red roses that I wish I could really give you. Maybe I could bring some when we visit your grave next Saturday. Dad wants to visit your place of rest. He says he misses you a lot.

It will be just Dad, Aunty Jen and I. Along and Abang is not following. Along has work to finish and Abang doesn't like the long journey. It tires him out.

Have you seen Grey? Before I had the vet put her to sleep I told her that you will look after her now that she has joined you. At least you won't be so lonely now. 

This Monday is my 34th. It is going to be hard not to have you there again and even extra hard now that Grey to has joined you.

I miss sharing my birthday cake with you Mom. 

But I am digressing. 

I wanted to have this conversation to celebrate your special day. You ARE the best Mom a child could have. The love that you showered on us... we still feel the warmth although it is nearing three years since you have moved on.

I feel sad as Mother's day approaches and everyone is planning their celebration for their Moms and I am heartbroken that I can't join their happy rank and share this special day with you.

All I have are these words and sometimes I feel they are not adequate. I wish I could hug you and kiss your cheek and give you present and see the surprised smile on your face as you unwrap it...

I miss you Mom. All the time. I love you and always will; happy mother's day, thank you for loving us with all you had.

Al-Fatihah.

Conversation with Mom 32

Hello again Mommy. Just wanted to tell you that two nights ago before Abang went to sleep, he said he misses you and cried his heart out.

It has been a long time since Abang showed his pain of losing you... so much so that I sometimes wonder if you still run through his mind; I have my answer now, like the rest of the family he still sorely misses you.

It broke my heart that I couldn't do anything to ease his pain, I just held him and reminded him that you loved him so much.

 He fell asleep with tears still falling.

It happens to me too sometime. And sometime I even cry in my sleep.

It doesn't seem to get easier with time Mom; it hurts just as badly as it did when we first learned that you were gone.

Truth is, every time I have these talks with you I am always rendered near to tears, and sometimes the tears couldn't be kept at bay and I have actually cried a few times while writing this to you.

I know the pain hurts, but I am glad I still feel it because it means you are still fresh in my mind.

I love you and miss you always. Al-Fatihah.

Mom's 63rd Birthday

Happy 63rd Birthday

Tomorrow, April 6 2013, would have been Mom's 63rd birthday had she lived beyond age 60.

While Mom was alive, before Along met Phil, Mom's Birthday is the first one we celebrate every year. The year, to me at least, doesn't really start to swing until Mom's birthday rolled in.

It's hard now not having Mom around to mark her special day.

Like me Mom loved birthdays. But unlike me, Mom love it not for the present, but rather for the cake that we would never fail to get her.

Mom loved cakes. Her favorite was tiramisu. 

While we don't celebrate her special day in real time now, I mean, buying cakes and presents for her, we still honor the day in our memory.

This year I am honoring her special day a day earlier, just because I can't wait for midnight before I express how much she is missed and how much I would have loved it if she was still around to enjoy the cake we would have gotten her if she was still alive to enjoy it.

As it is, I can only recite for her Al-Fatihah and hope she is comfortable where she is now.

Happy Birthday Mommy. I love you and miss you always.

My recurring dream of Mom

Ever since Mom passed away, I have often dreamed of her. Most of the time the theme of the dream is similar.

Mom had passed away but she came back to life and lived as she had always lived before. In most of the dreams, she was unaware that she had died. She lived as if she had never moved on.

In all of the dreams, we were always at a loss to explain how Mom who had died was now alive once more.

And at the end of these dreams, Mom would die once again and we once again had to mourn her passing. The best thing about the dream was having Mom alive once more and being the pillar of strength and the cornerstone that she had always been for the entire family.

Of course added to that dream is the horrific fact that she came back from the dead.

Somehow though, she came back fully form and healthy. Just as I remembered her before she got ill and ultimately passed away.

In all my dreams, she never came back looking zombie like or grotesque.

I don't really like to psychoanalyze myself, but it is obvious to me that I have issues with letting go of Mom and wishes she still walks the earth with us.

Such is the way of life that Mom is really gone and I will just have to get used to the idea that only my own death would mean that I would see Mom once again.

And as I have no plans of dying anytime soon, I guess my reunion with Mom will just have to wait.

I love you and miss you Mommy. Al-Faitihah

Conversation With Mom 31

Hello Mommy,

It is dusk as I am writing this. I still remember what you said about dusk. How we are not to play outside during that time or fall asleep...

I don't know why I said that. It just came to my mind, I can hear you saying those words to me.

But that wasn't why I wanted to talk to you today. I just simply miss you and wanted to spend some times talking with you.

Yesterday I went to MidValley to go to the jobfair. After I was done there I went to have lunch. I had grilled cheese and pancakes. I uploaded the pictures of what I was having on facebook and Kak Ita commented on how I had always loved pancakes since I was a little girl and how she remembers you making pancakes for us when she was living with us all those years ago. She says she misses you too.

I am so happy to know that you touched so many lives when you were alive and how everyone who knew you only have wonderful things to say about the person you were.

Of course the thing people remember most about you is your cooking abilities. There's not one person who knew you who didn't say they miss one type of food or other that you used to cook.

Most of the time what people miss most is your gulai lemak daging.

You certainly make the best gulai ever.

I miss you Mom. And I love you. Always.

A Bus Ride

I went to IJN today via public transport. When I was on the way home, sitting on the bus, my mind recalled the day after we buried Mom and Along and I took the bus from Temerloh, Pahang to KL and KL to Puchong.

Abang, Dad and Auntie Jen went back in Aunty's small Kancil.

Along and I had to take the bus because the car is too small to accomodate five people.

I remember how we trailed tears from Temerluh to KL and Kl to Puchong.

It was hard going back and leaving Mom buried in her hometown.

The finality of having just put Mom in the ground and that we will never see her form again hit us hard.

It was a really melancholic journey. Along crying her silent tears and me crying mine... thinking of the sweet creation who had just left us for good.

I almost broke down and cried again just now on the bus, thinking of that heartbreaking day when we left Mom at her place of rest.

It's strange how memories can overcome me unawares... the most mundane thing could trigger a trip down memory lane...

I miss Mom still. I always will.

Al-Fatihah Mommy.

Mom's Lost Recipes

I've written in previous posts how Mom was an incredible cook who had amazing recipes for innumerable recipes that I can't even begin to name. I think I've also mentioned how Along and I failed to learn most of the dishes that are our favorites that only Mom seemed to be able to make.

Among the dishes that mom made that we all miss are kerabu pucuk paku, laksa lemak, ikan sarak, karipap... to name a few.

Dad had been wanting to eat laksa lemak and kerabu pucuk paku for a while now but we don't know how to make it. Dad looked up the recipes online and ask me to make them.

Laksa Lemak

A few days ago I attempted laksa lemak. It turned out pretty good... but not like the one Mom used to make. I made a second attempt but I tweaked the recipe as close to an approximation of what I remember Mom making and it turned out great.

Today, I made kerabu pucuk paku. It turned out amazing but different from Mom's recipe. I guess we have a new recipe for Kerabu Paku now.

Kerabu Pucuk Paku

No matter how wonderful the new recipes I learned turns out, it would never compare to the dishes that Mom made using her own recipes. 

Another reason Mom will be missed always.

R.I.P Mom. Al-Fatihah

Loving Mommy

My biggest worry where Mom is concerned that I didn't show her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me when she was still alive.

I am afraid that i failed her somehow. That I didn't show her the maximum love and took care of her the best that I could.

It keeps haunting me that there must have been more that I could have done for Mom when she was alive... especially her last few months on earth... when I was taking care of her in the hospital. Did I talk to her enough? Did I exercised her limbs properly? Was i gentle enough when handling her daily baths?

Most importantly I wonder if she knew just how much my world is better just because she was in it... How I am a better person because of the person she was and how she raised me with so much love and care.

I don't know if I told her enough times how much I loved being her daughter... even when times are bad and she is in one of her relapsed and not making much sense... I loved her so much, but I'm afraid while she was alive I took that love for granted, took time for granted and never utilized all the time we had together to ensure that she felt deeply loved every single day of her life.

Maybe she knows... I hope she does.

Mommy I love you. Al-Fatihah.

Conversation With Mom 30

Hello Mommy,

Been a while since we last had a conversation. Of course if you want to be technical, the last real conversation we had was over two years ago while you were still alive... but you know what I mean... the conversation that we have at this blog of mine... where I do most of the talking and hope somehow deep in my heart I could hear the response you would give.

I went for an interview on Friday. I don't know how it turns out just yet. I hope you'll bless me and I'll be lucky enough to land this job.

I know you were never materialistic and you only worry about money when the basic necessity of life cannot be met... while life isn't as bad as it was at one point or the other in the past, it would be nice to have some sort of financial independence.

Dad is old and not very healthy anymore and it is just too bad of me still being so dependent on him.

I don't know Mom... I wish you were here and could bolster my spirit with one of your bright comforting truism... Like, 'Things will work out dear', or my favorite, 'Let tomorrow take care of itself'.

I miss you Mom. The comfort that I could find just by being near you. You were always such a warm, giving, loving presence and it always made me feel better to be around you... and see that gentle smile on your face...

How do I move on and leave you in the past Mom? I can't seem to let you go and you have already gone for quite a while... and I'm still hanging on tight to whatever is left of you...

I wonder what you would say to me now if you could... would you tell me not to dwell too much on the pain of losing you? That sounds like what you would say... you were always pragmatic that way.

I love you Mom and I miss you all the time.

Al-Fatihah.

What would have been the 38th anniversary

Happy Anniversary Mommy and Daddy!

Had Mom lived till today, it would have been Mom and Dad's 38th anniversary. as it is they only saw 35 years together. The other three dad only celebrate in remembrance of what once was.

It has been exactly 2 years 3 months and 24 days since Mom moved on. And in those span of time, we've celebrated Mom and dad's anniversary, Mom's birthday, Mother's dad, and Mom's moving on day. 

As the years go, these celebrations will come again and again and I foresee it will still hit me hard not to be able to celebrate these occasions with Mom and not to have to celebrate the day that marked her passing.

I don't know about other people who have lost their loved ones. But for me, the saying that it gets better with time, well it hasn't proved true to me yet. Or maybe it is just that not enough time has passes by. Whatever it is, up till today, the pain is still the same.

It seems that it was just yesterday that we laid her to rest. It still feels so recent and I am still raw inside. My heart hasn't stopped aching for Mom ever since that cold Thursday night when Along called and said mom was no longer with us.

All these words that I write in this blogs... I know they sound repetitious somehow... after all how many ways can one say one is bereaved and missing the departed? Yet every post I write keeps Mom's presence alive and relevant still in my life and so I will write in various ways the desolation I feel at Mom's passing.

Al-Fatihah Mom. Happy Anniversary.

Mom's Last Ice Cream

Abang bought a tub of ice cream today. Somehow as I thought of the ice cream in the fridge my mind flashed back to the time when she was hospitalized for the very last time.

From the moment she was lucid enough to speak, all she ever wanted was some ice-cream. She was on the feeding tube then and wasn't able to eat orally yet.

But there was a short span of time within those 46 days that she was hospitalized that she could consume food and we managed to give her some ice cream a few times.

Oh the delight on her face when she tasted those ice creams. She savored every morsel that went down her throat and claimed, "Sedapnya. Sejuk je tekak Mummy (How delicious. My throat feels so refreshed.)."

The kind of ice-cream Mom loved.

I was glad that we managed to fulfill one of her last wishes. Sometimes, like today, when I come across ice creams or though about it, my mind would wander back to those times in the hospital when about the only bright spot in Mom's pain-riled body was a small taste of ice cream.

Conversation With Mom 29

Happy New Year 2013 Mom!

Another new year that you are not with us. I've already spent an entire day in the new year and it hasn't sunk in yet, the newness of it all.

But then again, many changes that takes place in my life goes by without so much as a by-your-leave, simply because a part of me is stuck in the past, trapped by the lost of you.

I know it's nearing three years this year since you passed away, and I supposed I have moved on of sorts, but a part of me is still stuck in limbo when you left us for good. A part of me that sees me having this conversation with you every now and again... a part of me that just can't comprehend a life without you.

Do you know Mom? That when I write out this conversations with you,. I am actually imagining you sitting before me and that at every point or so I'm picturing the response you'd give if you were still able.

I don't know if this blog is a plus or a minus. I don't suppose it does me any harm keeping your spirit alive within the confines of the WWW. But then again... I don't know how much this blog is affecting my ability to heal. Am I just keeping my wounds wide open by keeping this worded shrine for you?

Dark thoughts on what should be a new brighter beginning.

I just wanted to greet the new year with you by my side.

I love you and miss you Mom.

Al-Fatihah.