Conversation With Mom 28

Hello Mommy,

This will be the third new year we will be celebrating without you. So much have happened since you breathed your last. Especially this year. But that isn't why I wanted to write to you today.

I just want to spend these last hours of 2012 with you.

A few days ago, dad was busy asking Along to scan old pictures, and it brought back a slew of memories.

Thinking back to all those wonderful times captured in those old photographs, I was resorted to tears... thinking how those times can never be relived again because you are no longer here with us.

Remember this picture Mom? It was during my 17th Birthday Party. You know Dad, always wants to give his little girl everything. He missed by a year though. Hehe. It's sweet 16 Dad not sweet 17! But still, it was the thought that count. Dad wanted me to have a Sweet Birthday Celebration. And so we had one didn't we Mom?

And you were the best. Even though you just came off one of your relapse you were such a trooper for my birthday. Abang was just a baby then and Along was in U.

And I remember thinking then that life was just about perfect. I had my family, I had my best friend with me, life was my oyster.

If only happiness is a lasting instead of transient thing.

Then there wouldn't be days like today when I feel like my whole world is shattering again because I have images of you flooding my mind and how I yearn to just touch your face one more time, here your voice one more time...

I'm writing this to you while greeting the New Year, because as always, I want to take you along with me. And I thought, what better way to usher in the New Year than to spend some time with Mom.

I miss you always and think of you all the time and wish you were still here every single day.

But Allah is the All Mighty, The All Knowing, The Compassionate... and Allah knew more than we do that you've had enough of this life and that your time has come to move on.

I don't question Allah at all, but I can't help but wish, nonetheless, that you are still with us among the living.

Life has not been the same since you walked out on us that cold Thursday evening in 2010.

Mom... I carry within me pieces of you everywhere I go, every day I move forward.

Al-Fatihah.

Conversation With Mom 27

Hello Mommy,

Abang had a tonsillectomy today in Hospital Serdang. That's right Mom, the place where you breathed your last.

Thankfully, Abang's surgery went well and he will probably be discharged tomorrow, but being in the hospital as always, reminds me a lot about the time spent looking after you back then Mom.

Today I even met the guard who guarded the entrance to the ICU ward back when you were admitted then and she asked, "Back again?"

I told her this time it was for my brother.

Yesterday I texted Abang on his phone and reminded him to say a prayer to Allah asking for a successful operation and also I told him to recite the al-Fatihah for you and to ask you to bless him.

I don't know if he did as told, but I did it just the same on his behalf.

                                          Abang in the hospital sleeping after being medicated

Mom, I just wanted to share the good news that your little boy is safe and will now be tonsillitis free after so long having suffered from it.

Thank you for watching over him still from where you are.

I love you and miss you Mom.

Conversation With Mom 26

Hello Mommy,

I was just thinking about your Meandering River. The story you always wanted to write but never got around to. Just like my best-selling novel which I never get around to writing somehow.

You know Mom when I talk about my writing abilities and my natural flair for the written words, it is almost always easy to think that most of it come from Dad because Dad has been writing all his life and never seem to stop.

But now thinking about it, I think the way I write and my play on words, they seem more likely to be coming from you. Although you seldom apply yourself to the written words when you do the result is amazing!

Remember Mom when your article was published in one of the women's magazine? And you got paid RM100? I remember how excited you were that they published your article. And I remember too some of your writings which never saw print.

Oh how moving were those words you wrote!

Well Mom, I am trying to live the dream for you. To get my writings established. To share with the world the story that is in me. So that it won't be too late for me like it was for you. Oh the story you could have told with your 'Meandering River' Mom...

To not let my writing skills go unpolished while I wait for that illusive inspiration for my great novel, I have joined an online writing site called Helium. And you can find links to my works by going to my about me page at Helium.

I miss you Mom. All the time. In every way, every day, in every thing I do... I am always thinking of you.

Al-Fatihah.

Remembering

I was sitting by Mom's bedside in the hospital ward while she had been warded for about two weeks, in between being in the ICU, HDW and a normal ward, when Mom whispered to me, "Nyawa Mommy tak panjang dah Adik" (My life is not going to last for very long now dear).

It shattered me thinking that Mom could foretell her demise. Of course back then we didn't know her time was coming to a close so soon, but it weighed heavily in the thinking that Mom knew something I didn’t.

I remember how I broke down crying and calling my sister at home and telling her about what Mom said and asking her, “What if Mom knows sis?” Referring to the fact that Mom might me cognizant of her end.

After hanging up the phone with Along’s pragmatic words that all we can do is fight along with Mom and pray that she gets better, I wrote this following poem for Mom:

Mummy don’t go,

Please stay.

I can’t imagine a world without you in it,

You make the world lighter with your presence,

You lit it up with your smile and laughter,

And I can’t bear to see it all disappear,

You are my shining star,

You brighten even the darkest nights in my life.

Mummy please don’t go,

Not just yet,

Give it time,

I know you are tired,

I know you are in pain,

And it’s selfish of me to want you to cling to a life that is riled with illness,

But I need you still,

I can’t let go,

So don’t you let go either.

As I write this poem, I was crying and it was neither the first nor the last time that I’d be shedding copious tears.

Thinking about that single memory now, I can tell for certain that, that was the defining moment when I begin to let go of Mom, way even before the Doctor asked my sister Along to sign the death in line form (a form which states that the doctor has informed the next of kin of the imminent death of the patient).

And I realise now too, thinking back on the memory of that night, that Mom was saying her goodbye to me. Mom was telling me that it was her time and that it would all be all right.

That single memory, that precious moment in time, is a private moment between Mom and I, that I would never forget – Mom telling me goodbye and me accepting the fact that Mom is soon to return to the arms of the Almighty Allah. 

Conversation With Mom 25

Hello Mom,

It's 11.48 pm November 4th 2012. This exact moment two years ago, you breathed your last breath and you left us shattered and broken.

Two years later, time might have moved on, but for us, it is still as if it was just yesterday that we saw you last.

Today we visited your grave sans Abang who stayed behind in Jerantut... but he sends his love. We planted another tree at your grave to replace the last one we planted which has since perished.

I hope the new tree will grow well and will keep your resting place cool and comfortable.

I miss you and I love you.

Al-Fatihah.

Conversation With Mom 24

Hello Mommy,

When you were at the hospital

This Sunday would be exactly two years since you've been gone. Two years since I last saw your face.

Mom, you know how much I love entering contests right? Well these past two years I've been going strength for strength with entering as many contest as I can.

Today, I saw on Maybank2u.com that they are having a contest, so I figured I might as well kill two birds with one stone : I could talk to you and blog about how great it is to have access to Maybank2u.com.

You might not be aware of this Mom since you were too ill to realize the practicality of things but during your stay at the hospital we needed a lot of money daily.

We needed money for your adult diapers, we needed money for your special TED stockings which would allow your blood in your legs to circulate and of course we needed money for the daily expenses of coming and going to and fro the hospital; not to mention meal money for me being that I stayed by your side practically the entire 46 days you were hospitalised.

Suffice is to say money was a big worry for us then.

But Dad has many kind friends who would from time to time bank in some money to help with the expenses.

If it wasn't for the ability to check money online at Maybank2u.com we would have wasted a lot of time going physically to the ATM just to check if the money have been banked in or not.

Thanks to Maybank2u.com we did not have to waste time and effort to know our financial strength. With just a click, we easily discover how strong our bank balance is.

We still use Maybank2u.com mainly for checking our bank balance, but there's many wonders that we can do now.

The various things you can do at Maybank2u.com

Previously the Astro account was under your name, but since you've been gone the account has been changed to my name. Since I have access to Maybank2u.com, I'm thinking how easy it is to pay our Astro bill online.

And Mom, do you remember how you used to have to line up at the post office to make a deposit of your ASB account? Well, if you were alive now, you no longer need to suffer the queues at the post office. Just link your ASB account to your Maybank2u.com account and you can purchase new ASB stocks online.

That's what I've been doing lately.

Speaking of contest and Maybank2u.com I've entered another contest of theirs on Facebook where I made an advertisement on how great it is to have access to Maybank2u.com.

I told them about the time you were hospitalised and how important it was to be able to check money on the go.

Well Mom, it's been wonderful sharing this conversation with you and I'll try and come back on your anniversary and maybe have another conversation with you.

Wish me luck with the contest Mom.

Remembering

Dad was in tears today thinking of Mom not being around anymore. Dad asked, "Kenapa Mommy dah tak ada? (Why Isn't Mommy around anymore?):

I felt like crying too, but I replied as calmly as I could that it was her time to go.

As daddy kept being morose and sniffling about I tried to make dad lighthearted a bit by saying, "Mom had to go first so she can set up housekeeping so when you moved on there'll be a nice comfortable house waiting for you."

While Mom wasn't much of a housekeeper she had always somehow manage to make a house a home by making it feel warm and inviting - despite the messiness.

Maybe it was just Mom's loving presence that make the home such an inviting and welcoming haven. Thinking about how empty the house now feels, it definitely was Mom's loving touch that made the difference in the friendly atmosphere that the house gets.

Mom was such a warm, loving and giving person, that being around here automatically induces one into a calm and happy mood.

Remembering Mom as she was, I can't seem to escape this heartache and the feeling of wanting to cry.

We Miss you Mom. R.I.P.

Two years and an innumerable heartbreaks later

On November 4th 2012 at 11.48pm,  it will be exactly two years since Mom passed away. Nearing her anniversary, I find myself thinking about her more frequently than I've been doing this past year.

It's not that all these while I don't think of her, because I do, it's just that lately thoughts of her has been consuming my mind a lot.

These November is also the two years anniversary of my aunt and my friend's grandfather's passing.
They died two days before Mom did.

I mentioned to my friend in a mail on FB the other day that it's almost two years since our loved ones had moved on and she replied saying "yes can you believe how time flies".

Time has flown indeed and I am now about to honour Mom's two years of going home to the Almighty.

I hope she is faring well in the after life. I hope she can still feel the love we still carry for her in our hearts.

I don't have a poem or anything remotely poetic to say about Mom's passing -all I have are these thoughts and I hope it reaches her somehow:

"Mom, I am trying to be a wonderful person whom you would be proud of and trying to live a full life in honor of the spectacular one you had lived. I carry within me, 24/7, 365 and every where I go, the love you left inside my heart and I will cherish and treasure each memory I have of you and one day should I be blessed with a family of my own I will share my memories of you with them and though you weren't blessed with grandkids while you were alive, I will, if Allah willing and I have my own offspring, make them love you as if you were here still to share your love on them... such was the power and beauty of your loving heart that I'm sure I won't have any problems allowing your loving nature to transcends death.

On this day, 26 days before your anniversary, I celebrate the bountiful life you lived and the joy of your love that you shared with those who knew you best.

I love, cherish and honour you.

God willing, one day we'll be together again and this pain in my heart will turn to rejoicing when our souls will greet each other on the same plain once again.

Till then, R.I.P Mom."

Conversation With Mom 23

Mommy love,

It's been a while since we last had a conversation. It's not because I didn't want to talk with you it's just that I couldn't write what I had to say without it sending me into another tailspin of tears.

Mom, you know that despite how much I would have liked to remain frozen in time back to when you were still breathing that this can't happen - that time has to move on and me along with it.

Not much has changed in our life since you were around other than that now you are gone and we have to do without your loving presence.

Your duties before... all the housework that you used to do, that has largely been transferred to me. It is my responsibility now to see that dinner is on the table, clothes are washed and folded... stuff that you used to do is now up to me to see to.

Along remains as she is. The everlasting chauffeur and everybody's care taker.

Dad is still, sad to say on my useless unemployed self, the main breadwinner of the family despite him having suffered a mild stroke and stomach ulcer.

And Abang. He knows now Mom. The thing that you were so worried how he'd react to it if he ever found out and largely he is taking it well and his major problem that you used to worry about too is also taken care off now. I supposed you probably already knew, but I wanted to tell you anyway.

And Grey. She has now taken the spot near Along's feet now that she can no longer sleep by yours. Remember that Mom? How you used to scold her for bothering you when you were sleeping?

Then there's Aunty Jen. What can I say? She is still tenaciously holding on to her relationship with Dad. She keep saying that she could leave him any time but funny thing is she keeps coming back. You know how it is. It is neither here nor there... but it's just exasperating some times when she brings on the drama and put on a show and act as if she has enough but truth is she could never let Dad go and this is something we all know don't we Mom?

But enough about her.

I am seriously in need of a job. You know I had one a month after your passing but I went and quit that one. And ever since I left and have nothing to do I have not been able to find a new job. Maybe you could work some divine intervention with the Big One and hope your blessings and Allah's mercy will let me land a good reliable job that I won't be wanting to quit within 3 months!

It's like I'm really desperate to find a job now Mom... and while at it could you also work your ethereal magic on my love life? Hahaha... you remember Mom how desperate you were to want Along and I to be married when you were in the hospital? You kept asking the both of us, "Are you married yet?" As if we'd marry without you knowing about it.

Those days in the hospital... still brings tears to my eyes thinking how sick you were and how much pain you were in and how hungry you must have felt when all you were given were milk through the tube... Mom... I know those days in the hospital;s were hard - for you and for me emotionally watching you slip away... but I would give anything to have those days back.

I know... this kind of talk is not conducive to anything but more pain... but I miss you... and I love you, oh so much!

I will talk with you again soon Mom. For now it is just too much on my heart having this 'pretend' conversation with you while thinking of all those 'real' conversations we used to share. Heartbreak.

R.I.P. Mom

Dreams and Nightmares: Mom in the Night

A few raya back before Mom passed away

Abang had a nightmare the other day that something possessed Mom's lifeless form and cause her to turn into an abomination.

It scared Abang silly and made him miss Mom even more. He was worried that to him it seems as if it doesn't matter anymore that Mom isn't around anymore. He was also in wonder that it has barely been two years since Mom moved on - it seems to him that it has been a longer amount of time since Mom's passing.

Just a few days before the nightmare, Abang mentioned how it has been quite a while since he dreamt of Mom. This was said after I mentioned that I had another dream about Mom.

Not all of my dreams about Mom are pleasant. I have a nightmare or two where Mom came back from the grave, where she was buried alive and had to dig her way out of the grave...

I don't now why, but out of the four of us (dad, Along, Abang and myself) I am the one who is frequently having dreams about Mom.

I get like four to five dream a month on average and it always leaves me with an ache in my heart that just won't heal.

I added this picture of a few raya back, just to remind myself how it was when Mom was around and our family was complete.

It feels strange without Mom around. Despite what Abang says of him already too easily letting go of Mom, I know he still misses her and still think of her and how she loved him so much.

I know there are still things he wishes Mom was around to see. 

The same applies to each one of us. 

I know we are dealing with the loss in our own unique way.

Mine is this blog. Whenever it gets too lonely and I miss Mom too much, this blog is my refuge. 

Here, I can share my pain and deal with it at the same time. Here, I honor Mom's memories and here too sometimes when it gets too much and I just need that contact with Mom is where I will have my 'conversations' with her.

I miss you Mom and I love you - always and forever.

R.I.P. Mom

Conversation With Mom 22

Mommy love,

Raya came and went and we visited your grave yet again. We said our prayers beside it and send you our well wishes. It isn't the same as kneeling at your feet and asking you forgiveness on raya morning and seeing you bless us with your brilliant smile, but at least we were still together.

As you know, Abang turned 17 on Raya morning. Must have been hard for him to visit you that day. I know he misses you a lot. Life's harder for him without the comfort you offer when he's upset or sick.

As for the rest of us... you know the situation with Dad. You were the love of his life and losing you has torn him asunder. He is like a ship with no sails now.

Along. She misses you along with her missing Phil. I don't know how that works for her, but it seems the more she miss Phil, the more she misses you. And the pain is double for her I suppose.

As for me... I assuage my empty heart by writing this blog and having the odd 'conversation' or two with you.
There are still days when I look up expecting to see you before my eyes only to realize with a start that you are no longer around.

Abang's friends are coming to celebrate raya with us this Friday and I'm thinking this is really the first time I have to entertain guest without you. I remember all those house parties that Dad was so fond of having and I remember how you were always the perfect hostess.

Mom, how have you been?

Can you still see us?

I wonder sometimes what you are going through now... where you are... what you are up to... I guess I'll never know until my end comes... And no matter how much I wish I could see you again, I hope my end doesn't come so soon. I still have a lot I want to do in this life. I guess it isn't fair for me to be talking to you about a long life since yours was cut so tragically... But I know you would want me to have a long, healthy and happy life.

Mom? I love you. I miss you. And there's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you.

R.I.P. Mom

A Different Ramadhan Without Mom

Two years ago, two days before raya (Eid) mom fell in the kitchen which subsequently led to her eventual demise. Raya has never been the same since.

This is the second fasting season that Mom hasn't been around for. It feels weird waking up for sahur (meal before fasting) to prepare the meal for the family when that was once Mom's domain. Mom was the one responsible for making sure every one gets up to have their meal before dawn.

Things are different now. Instead of Mom being in charge of the meals, it is now all up to me.

Ever since Mom passed on, the kitchen duties have fallen largely on my shoulders. The daily meals doesn't really bother me, but the meals served during Ramadhan (fasting month)... Mom usually make sure there was something special on the table for berbuka (break of fast) and she will ensure the fasting day begins right with a proper sahur.

Even as the rituals of fasting reminds me of its purpose of which to remember those who have to do without, I can't help but remember that the last Ramadhan spent with Mom ended in pain for her and Syawal (month after Ramadhan where the first day is Eid) was spend entirely in the hospital ward.

This coming November 4th would be the second year anniversary of Mom's passing. Even a year and a half or so away from the tragedy, I am still reeling from it's impact.

In fact as recent as last week, I was still dreaming of Mom. I dreamed she came back from the grave for a quick 'visit'. She looked her radiant self without the traces of fatigue and pain that marred her angelic face the  last month of her life.

I miss Mom so much. I don't know if this pain I bear will be with me forever. Won't the scar ever heal?

It hurts still thinking of her sweet, loving self now taken from us. God loved her too much to let her suffer long. But I love her too and though I don't for the world wish her to suffer I can't help but wish she hadn't gone so soon.

Life is just not the same without Mom.

I have to stop. This is taking too much out of me. Tears are falling as I continue this trp down memory lane.

Perhaps more time is needed before I can talk about Mom and not want to bawl my eyes out.

I love you Mom. R.I.P.

Remembering

Felt like listening to 'Shame' by Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow. And I don't even know why I felt like listening to it again after all these times. As I listened to the song again, it brought back memories of Mom during her 46 days stint in the hospital.

This song was released in the middle of Mom's stay there.

I remember how this song was like an anthem for me during those days.

I'm brought back to those heart-wrenching days as I watched Mum disappear right before my eyes.

It's been a while since it hits me this hard. I'm bawling almost as hard as I did back when Mom just passed away.

I miss Mom all the time, but there are days when it's harder than normal to keep the tears at bay.

As hard as those 46 days were, I'd give anything to be able to sit beside Mom once again and watch her as she sleeps.

I know, I know. She's off to a better place. She's no longer suffering. But can I help it if I miss her so much?

Amazing how even a trivial thing like listening to a song could open the floodgate of memories.

There was Mom as she delighted at the small amount of ice cream we managed to give her after she's been craving it for weeks.Then there was Mom asking me to sing to her.  Then again there was Mom as she lay tired after her dialysis treatment. And again Mom on her last days on the respirator, blood coming out of her mouth....

These images will never be wiped from my memory, nor do I want it gone, it's just that sometimes when it comes back to haunt me, missing Mom gets harder to handle.

Taking a deep breath and hope this spell of heartache will end soon.

R.I.P. Mom

When Silence Gets Too Much

Sometimes silence might seem like indifference,
Days, weeks go by and I keep my distance,
Not because I don't care,
Not because I've forgotten,
But sometimes silence is all there is
When words fail to describe further how much I miss you
How much I yearn and how much I ache for you.

But I've been silent far too long,
The stillness is deafening,
And I again search for the words,
Whether in vain or not,
It is for you to judge,
As I once more struggle to tell you,
What life is like now that you no longer walk it with us.

Mommy love,
If I could paint you the bleakness of my soul,
Without it coming up pitch dark
Like my heart is,
I would.
I would show you the many shades of grief,
The layers of hurt,
The lines of pain,
But alas I am not much of a painter,
And all I have are these words,
And still they fail me.

How many ways can you write what pain means,
What loss is all about?
How many words can be scribed telling you
How my heart bleeds,
How my spirit is shredded...
Too many and too little all at the same time.
Suffice is to say, this is another expression of
My soul's dejection.

I love you and I miss you.

Adik
2011 hrs. 19 June 2012,
The empty house you left behind,
Puchong, Selangor

Conversation With Mom 21

Mommy love,

Uncle Dzul (Dad's mentor and friend) and Pak Long (Dad's Brother) both passed away recently. Uncle Dzul on Saturday June 2nd and Pak Long On Tuesday June 5th.

I don't know how things work in the after life, but I was hoping you'll have more company now. I hate the thought of you alone. I hope all those people we've known in our lives who have moved on as well are there with you and that you are not lonely.

Mom, I worry about you still. I wonder how you are faring in the after life. I hope you are doing all right.

Me? I'm not doing too well. Too stressed and too many things ailing me. Right now I'm eating 9 different medications daily and I'm guessing when I meet my doctor next for my diabetes appointment I will have to add another medication on my list. Oh and don't forget the insulin jab at night.

I don't mean to worry you, but you know how it is mom, you were about the only one I could always talk too.

I miss those times Mom. Those times when I would talk your ears off. You would listen and would tell me things that would make everything that seems wrong in my life looks less threatening and scary.

I miss you, period.

I know every time I have this conversation with you I'd be telling you in one form or the other how much I miss you. i'd hate to sound repetitive, but it just doesn't seem to be enough - me telling you how much I miss you.

Life is rather stressful now. Dad is overtly sensitive and every gestures and words we utter he would misinterpret it in the negative way. He keeps insisting that we don't love him anymore, that we find him a burden to us and he keeps saying that it's not like he is going to live for very long anyway and that soon we would be free of him.

This is so outlandish that I don't know how to tell him that he is paranoid. We love him so much and would never wish ill off him. We don't want to lose him anytime soon. Losing you was hard enough. Losing dad in any near future would just about shatter us.

I'm telling you all this so that not only will you know what's going on down here, but also so dad could read this and know that we do not resent him and do not for a second think he is a nuisance.

We love dad. We love you. The both of you makes the best parents any child could have, even with all your flaws and failings.

No one is perfect, but the both of you have loved us beyond what perfection could initiate.

Dad, if you are reading this, please, please know that we love you always and would never wish ill on you.

Mom, please whisper in Dad's dreams that he doesn't need to leave this plane so fast and that you'll be waiting for him when and only when his time has come.

I love you Mom. Sorry if I brought trouble to your resting self. I have no one really I could share this with.

I miss you always. R.I.P. Mom.

Love,
Adik

I Cherish You

For you are loved beyond the span of your time on earth,
You are remembered and missed by those you left behind,
In great pain and heartache we etch you in our mind,
Trying our hardest to hold on to a past that we try our best not to outlast,
Your presence though no longer corporeal, still deeply felt and cherished,
And we pray for strength to move on beyond your reach,
And we hope we honor your memories by holding you near,
Even if holding you close brings us to tears.

Mommy love,
I celebrate your life by holding true to the legacy you left behind;
Of love, kindness, compassion and understanding;
All the warmth of your love which transcends death,
And all the colours you painted your life with,
I will immortalize in the canvas of my own life,
and I will bring you with me wherever I go in this life I still have to live,
And I will never forget the glory that was you.

I love you and I treasure you,
For now and for forever.
Till death bring us back together.

Adik
2143 hrs. May 27.2011
The empty house you left behind
Bandar Bukit Puchong

Conversation With Mom 20

Mommy dearest,

It's been a while. My birthday and dad's birthday have both passed. Celebrations such as this nowadays lackluster and feel incomplete without you. Although I always feel the loss of you on a daily basis, on special occasions such as this the dearth of your presence is felt a hundredfold more.

Mom, I would like to say that a year and a half after you've gone that we've moved on. That we have adjusted and are doing well enough without you. But such was the impact you had on our lives that even after all these time have passed, we still find it impossible to pretend that we are just fine without you.

Dad especially have been really morose lately thinking about you. He feels lost without you to anchor him. You were the reason why he had to stay strong. You were the reason he fought so hard to live a righteous life. And now you are gone and it's like he doesn't know what's left for him to do. He does not seem to see any purpose behind his existence now.

I don't know how to rectify dad's dwindling spirit.

I know I'm telling you about how dad is coping without you, but that does not mean that abang, along and I aren't as badly affected.

I was cleaning the yam today and I recall how it was a task that you had always undertaken and I felt a sharp pain in my chest as I internalize the fact that it is a task that I have to take over. That never again will I see you striping the outer yam skin to clean the yam.

Mom, I miss you so much. At this moment as I write this, tears are threatening to fall. Today is a bad day. Where missing you is concerned that is. There are days when missing you gets too much that I just have to give in to my misery and cry for losing you,

Mom, is there no magic dust that you can sprinkle over me while you watch over my sleeping self that would    take away this debilitating pain I feel at the thought of you?

Life is so empty without you. This house feels so empty without you.

I miss your gentle smile, your soft-spoken demeanor, your sleeping form in the corner of the bedroom, your pleading voice as you asked me to pull your gray hair...

What I would give to deny you yet again your request of pulling your gray hair, only to hear you asking me again and again to please pull your hair.

I miss you Mom.

I wonder how you are faring now. What your soul is subjected too. If you are still watching us from wherever you have gone to.

I'm sorry if I didn't look after you well enough while you were ill Mom. I don't know what I could have done that would have made a difference. I watched you suffer for 46 days and although it saddens me that you are no longer here, I was glad that your suffering saw an end.

Mom... if I could just hug you one more time and tell you how much I love you and how much you made a difference in my life, how you helped shaped me to be the woman I am today and if I could only see your smile one more time.... Mom, there's not a day that passes by that I don't wish you are still around.

There are even days when I would look up expecting to see you looking back and me only to realize that what I was feeling was just a glimpse from my memory.

I love you. I miss you. Always.

Al-Fatihah.

Conversation With Mom 19

Hello Mommy,

I just felt like talking with you. Don't really have anything specific to talk about... not really anyway.

There is something on my mind. Along and Dad has given me a lot to worry about these past few weeks.

Along... well I can't get into details about her. Lets just say that she is severely depressed and sees her life as being hopeless. I don't know how to help her other than be there for her when she needs a shoulder to cry on.

And Dad... he has been really ill these past few days. His spirit is low and he is hardly eating. I am worried about him. I pray that it is just a phase he is going through and that he will recover soon. I don't think I can bear it if I lose Dad so soon after I lost you. Maybe I am being a bit dramatic, but it does feel like Dad is slipping away. I don't know Mom. I hope to heaven I am wrong and Dad is just severely under the weather and that he will be all right soon.

Not much to say that is really new. I still miss you, still dream of you every now and again and still aches inside with losing you. Wonder how much time will pass before I don't feel like my heart is shattering every time I think of you.

Mom, you were the best part of me and I wonder how will I ever be whole again now that you've left a void inside of me.

I love you and I miss you. Rest well Mom. Al Fatihah.

Conversation With Mom 18

Dearest Mommy,

Your birthday came and went and I didn't even mention anything to you. Your 62nd birthday was on April 6, 2012. It's not that I didn't want to wish you a happy birthday, it is just that I was just too wrapped up in pain to broach the subject with you.

It was the 2nd birthday you weren't around for. I miss getting you cakes and surprising you with one sort of knick-knacks or the other.

This year, a week before your birthday the family went to your grave and cleaned up your resting place and Dad planted the orchid that he got for you on the last birthday you were around. It had bloomed for the first time and Dad thought it fitting that you should celebrate your birthday with your birthday orchid.

I couldn't get you a cake anymore, but I went online and found you a pretty picture of a birthday cake and were you here that is the kind of cake that I'd want to get for you.

                                                      Happy Belated Birthday Mommy!

Don't you think the cake looks pretty Mommy? I know you would have loved it if you were here and that cake was for real.

I love you Mom and I miss you. Always.

Hope that where ever you are, you are safe and happy.

R.I.P. Mom.

Old Photographs

Dad was taking pictures of the old photographs we had and some of them were pictures taken with Mom. I felt kinda weepy looking at those pictures again as memories of those events in the pictures came sweeping by.

There were pictures when Along and I were small, pictures when I was a teenager and Abang was a toddler. It all bring back memories.

To cap it all, yesterday I just dreamed about Mom. I dreamed that she was still alive now and we were sending Abang off on a trip to Hong Kong Disneyland all by himself. Mom looked so proud of her little boy who is now a young man.

Gosh I miss Mom so much.

Looking at these pictures, they just impacted the loss tenfold. Looking at Mom as she was.

                                                                    Mom and I a long time ago

Mom, Abang and Along

Feel really sad now, thinking of the wonderful, loving woman I knew as Mom and how she is no longer on this plane to share this journey I am still going through now.

Look at how happy we once were.

And now, all we have are memories.

Now all we have to remember her by are our memories and her grave site where we only ever visit once in a while. 

Miss you Mom. RIP.

Conversation With Mom 17

Mommy love,

It's been quite a while since our last conversation. It's not because I have been thinking about you any less that I was before, it's just that I haven't had anything new to say to you.

I still don't really have anything new to say but I felt as if I have been silent too long.

Yesterday I dreamed about you. I was crying in my sleep calling out your name. In my dream I recited Al-Fatihah in your memory and I was mourning you something terrible. I don't know why I had that dream of you.
While I was crying in my sleep, Along was crying for you while she waited for sleep to overcome her pain of missing you.

I didn't want to mention it because it hasn't arrived yet, but I can't help myself. Your birthday is coming. April 6. You would have been 62 if you were still around. This is your second birthday you wouldn't be around for. On the first birthday, the rose that dad bought for you for your last birthday on earth bloomed. It seems the rose will bloom on special occasion. Like on your 40th day, 100th day, on your wedding anniversary and on your birthday. We will see if it will bloom again on your birthday this year.

Mom, Dad too have been missing you something terrible. He was brought to tears a few times recently as he remembers you.

And abang. You know how much it hurts him to have lost you at fifteen. There are moments when he will go all quiet and sad and I just know that he was thinking of you. Sometimes he even said that he misses you so much.

Mom, it seems time hasn't lapsed too much because it still haven't done its job of dulling the ache in our hearts regarding you. The wound is still very much raw and unhealed.

I don't know how long it will take before we can go on with our lives and feel just the warmth of your memories, without the pain of losing you leeching our hearts dry.

I hope you are at peace mom and that our earthly sorrows are not giving you unrest in the afterlife. I hope that where ever you are now that you are finally at rest.

I love you and I miss you. Alway. R.I.P. Mom.

Conversation With Mom 16

Mommy love,

You would be so proud of daddy's achievement if you were still here. I just wanted to share with you the highlight of our lives these past few days.

Dad's first ever book has finally seen print and the books were sent to our house. Dad entitled the book 'Simfoni Sepi'.

                                            Dad besides the delivered boxes of his books.

Mom, the book is spectacular. What I love most about the book is the poems that dad wrote for you and the dedication that was made out for you. The dedication reads, "Siti Rahey binti Tok Muda Haji Salehuddin. Mummy, isteriku tercinta, ibu kepada anak-anakku Yasleh Khaliff Amri, Yasleh Hani Wati, Yasleh Rita Ayu" (Siti Rahey binti Tok Muda Haji Salehuddin.Mummy, my beloved wife, mother to my children Yasleh Khaliff Amri, Yasleh Hani Wati, Yasleh Rita Ayu)

You are still very much part of our lives Mom. No one can deny how huge an impact you have wrought into our lives. Especially to daddy. Everyone can see how important you were in dad's life.

In the introduction to the book Uncle Johan (Johan Jaaffar) wrote about how daddy was shaped to be the man he is by having you in his life and how important you were in creating the man he is today.

Mom, I am going to share with you the poem dad wrote (which is included in the book) on the 101 day of your passing.


Seratus Satu Hari Sudah Mummy Pergi Meninggalkan Kami


Mummy sayang.
Seratus satu hari sudah
Mummy pergi meninggalkan kami.
Daddy, Abang, Adik, Phil dan Mama Jen
datang hari ini
menziarahi pusara Mummy
menjulang pasrah menatang sayu
memujuk rindu tanpa sendu
walaupun tak terleraikan jua
sembilu pilu yang menghiris qalbu.


Anak-anak kita membersihkan pusara Mummny
dari dakapan daun-daun kering.
Daddy tanamkan sepohon puding
dari keratan benih yang kami ambil
di pusara Abah.


Aduhai Mummy tersayang.
Betapalah ya,
begitu kami melafazkan salam pamitan
bayu pula menggugurkan lagi daun-daun kering
satu, satu, menutup pusaramu
bagaikan dulu
di suatu ketika
dalam suatu detik waktu
bayu meniup rambut menutup wajahmu
di sempadan hari
dan belibis senja resah mencari
pasangannya yang hilang
dalam timbunan daun-daun kering
yang berguguran satu, satu, satu, satu, satu.


Lalu dengan darah dari jari manisku yang luka
ku tuliskan sebuah sajak untukmu Siti Rahey ku tercinta.
Di manakah agaknya
sajak itu kini Mummy sayang?
Aduhai.


1038, 12 Feb, 2011
Tanah Perkuburan Pengkalan Balai,
Chenor, Maran, Pahang.

(* Taken from 'Simfoni Sepi' by yassinsalleh page 29-30 with permission from the author.)

Mom, that is one among many of the poems dad wrote for you. Some while you were in the hospital and some after you passed away.

I hope you are proud looking down on dad from wherever you are.

We love you and miss you always.

R.I.P. Mom.

Conversation With Mom 15

Hello Mommy,

It's been a while since I last talked to you. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I feel as if I am saying the same thing over and over again and I was afraid of sounding trite.

But tonight, I feel like talking with you. You know I always miss you Mom. All of us do all the time.

Dad and Abang is particularly miserable. And dad in specific have not been the same since you've been gone. He is more irritable now and he seems lost without you. He is drowning in his sorrow and I don't know what we can do to help pull him out of his bereavement.

I know you were his soul-mate and you bring balance to his life. You stabilized him. As much as he was your rock when you were alive, you were the pillar of his existence. Now that you are gone his very essence is threatened for you defined the man that he used to be. Without you he have to rebuild his entire make-up and I don't think dad is doing well in rebuilding a life post you.

Mom, how do I help dad regain his sense of self? His life for so long now has been centred around you, but now you are no longer here and it's like he has lost his direction and purpose in life.

How can I help dad when I have no clue of where to begin?

I know dad will read this and he will brush my lamentations aside. He won't deign to dignify my concerns with an admission of how bereft he is without you. Dad is still dad despite the changes your passing has impose on him. And he is always the strong one and heaven forbids if we should see him crumble.

Mom, the family has not been the same since you left.

There are much resentment and tension in the house. Abang is always saying how the family is not like it used to be when you were still around. Grief is tearing us apart and yet no one is adressing the issue. We are all each suffering in silent and not talking about how your passing has affected the unity of this small family unit.

We are just going on with life and everyday I feel the family growing further and further apart. It's like your passing has left a chasm in between the four of us left and we just can't seem to close the gap to reach each other.

Every one is in their own private hell and there is no solidarity.

I don't know how to heal this wound you left behind Mom. How do I gain back the unified family we once had?

Who would have thought that having you out of the equation would leave everyone in the negative?

Mom, show me the way to repair our shredded heart and to heal the family's broken bonds.

I have not known a truly happy moment in the family ever since you departed.

Help me Mom. Guide me from where ever you are. If this hurt isn't healed, we will never gain that cohesive unity once more.

Sorry if I burden you with our earthly problems, but as when you were alive, you were the only one I could really share my troubles with. I'll leave you for now mom. Hopefully when next we talk, I would have a happier demeanour.

Love always,
Adik.

Conversation With Mom 14

Mummy love,

It's another new year without you. The 2nd actually since you moved on. The new year has been eventful. Along came back from England, Abang started a new school year and I scalded my leg with hot water.

You must be thinking about the time when I was 2 and I ran into you when you were holding a jug of hot water and the water spilled on my right arm. As I suffer my second encounter with boiling water, dad and along can't help but recall that first incident I hat with boiling water.

Dad said how frantic you were when the water spilled onto my body. Well mom, that night when the water fell onto my leg I was screaming blue murder and I woke up Abang and Along.

Abang came rushing down where as Along thought she was dreaming and it was you who screamed from the kitchen and not me and so when she woke up and realize that it couldn't be you because you were gone already she decide it was all a dream and went back to bed.

As painful as the burns are, that's not really why I am having this conversation with you. I wanted to tell you that I have been dreaming of you again and quite frequently these past few weeks.

I haven't had these many dreams of you after the first few months of your demise, when dreaming of you was equivalent to going to sleep each night.

I don't know why the dreams are occurring again. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that as off late I have been back to thinking of you constantly like I had when you first passed away.

You know I will ALWAYS miss you Mom, but there are days when the pain is less and there are days when the pain becomes unbearable and there are days when it seems like it's a normal thing not to have you around, although those kind of days are rare because mostly it still feels odd not to see you sitting at the dining table or cooking in the kitchen or sleeping in the bedroom.

Mom, I am having this conversation with you tonight because after so long having kept my emotions at bay, I am feeling again the emptiness that I felt the first few months after you went away.

I feel so hollow inside Mom and I don't know by which means I can fill it up again so as not to feel so barren.

I miss you Mom and I still haven't figured out a way to get over you. I suppose I never will.

Al-Fatihah Mom. Until the next time.